Trying to rest today. Not just my body but my mind too. Always a hard week. So much attached to the memories. 

 

 The topic of suicide is not exactly something that many people are willing to discuss. I certainly can understand how uncomfortable it may be and maybe hard to understand for many. It’s been on my mind a lot. 

So many changes for me the past two years. Almost everything in my life plan has been altered. Honestly I don’t recognize myself much these days. The darkness and emptiness, the lack of worth, of purpose, and most of all joy; struggling everyday for a reason.to want to continue. For me, like many others, thoughts of suicide are not really about wanting to die but instead about not knowing if I want to live any longer. 

They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But is this always the case? I was reading an article entitled “Rational Suicide”. Just the title intrigued me. The article was about how older adults, especially those in assisted living facilities, have been gathering outside of their facilities to discuss options for suicide. They are creating a plan to choose when they die prior to dementia or Alzheimer’s taking their choice away. At these meetings they share different methods of how to end their own life. These meetings take place away from their residences as apparently this topic is not allowed on the inside. Why? Because the facilities can be punished by Medicare for suicides that happen there. 

As a long time health care provider I don’t have an issue with wanting to be able to die when we choose. I see so much suffering. We should all have this choice. Not just the terminally ill. Protecting life at all costs has never made much sense to me. It’s one of those just because we can doesn’t mean we should. The dilemma seems to be is taking your own life ever rational? 

I’m not sure I can truly answer that question. I say yes it can be. But this is broken me talking. Are my thoughts on this right now rational? Again I feel like they are but….. Right now I am trying to figure out if I really want to keep living. That’s the honest truth. I’ve not put a time limit on it but what I can say is the way I am living right now I cannot sustain forever. Life without feeling is death. 

On a recent pod cast I caught, the psychotherapist was saying that suicide is all about anger and hate. While I could see where he is coming from, for me it’s about some other emotions too, especially pain. The pain of feeling the nothingness and the hopelessness. Not knowing if I’m willing or even want to fight my way through. These are feelings I’ve not had before so who is to say I can be fixed. Doubts easily creep in. 

As hard as I have been working to deal with my physical health issues, I still have so much more I have to go through to get my body well. Then there’s this fucked up mind of mine. This all has taken a massive toll on me. This depression and anxiety and panic attacks. It’s all so foreign and overwhelming. And I’m still so tired. 

The hardest thing is trying to care >>>>>> about myself. I’m not sure if I even know how. 

1-14-22

This happened on 1-15-22

 2022….It’s a new year. I wish I was feeling the happiness that is supposed to come with the start of a new year. I’m just not there. 

I started this blog to share my health journey, my navigating breast cancer. The one thing I am leaving behind in 2021 is the actual cancer itself. There is always a risk of it returning or getting it in the other breast but while it will be in the back of my mind it’s not at the top of my list any longer. So what is? Physically that would be chronic pain from hips, back, and headaches. But my number 1 priority right now is my mental health.

While mental health care has certainly been out in the public eye thanks to people like Simone Biles and Michael Phelps, I never, in my wildest, ever would have seen myself here. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and thoughts of suicide have been a daily reality for me. Most people do not understand that you don’t just wake up and get over it. This is all new to me. I  don’t feel like I’m coping well. Broken. 

I am sure that I have been depressed for much longer than I am aware of. I seemed to manage it until events in my life just overwhelmed me and my ability to cope was interrupted in a big way. I get frustrated because I have been able to find answers and solutions to everything that I have encountered in my life. I’ve depended upon myself for so many years. This is so different and unfamiliar. I don’t know how to fix this for myself. 

To be clear I am seeing a psychologist as I recognize I need professional help. Accepting the help and trusting the process takes time. I have never been in therapy before except for a short forced stint as a teenager. I have no idea how it works or what to expect. It’s very peculiar telling someone things about yourself that you’ve not ever told anyone else. Fixing anything is never easy with no exception for this fucked up brain of mine. It is at times uncomfortable and I must force myself to be honest. I try to remember that my therapist is not judging but they cannot help if they don’t know. I can’t heal if I don’t reveal. 

What I do know is every single day is hard. Every single day is painful. I am tired. I am struggling. My current reality is truly unknown. This is no place to live. 

1-9-22