The End of the Road

 The End of the Road... 2025

There is about 36 hours left before the clock strikes midnight and 2025 will be complete. I cant say I am sorry to see it go as this has been the second worst year I have had in my entire life.  I only need to read back on this blog to be reminded of how much pain and suffering I have endured to get to this day. Sadly, I don't see where much will be able to change for me so I am not really excited for 2026. It seems that next year I will choose to be the end of my road. 

I have worked so hard the last 4 years to try to get my mental health to improve. I had never been in therapy prior to my cancer albeit for a failed forced attempt when I was a teenager. I went into this thinking I will listen and work hard and I will be able to overcome it all, just as I have used my brains my entire life. Ha ha...naivety at its finest. 

Instead what have I found in the therapy room? Its the most invasive thing I have ever put myself through and not achieved any results. What have I taken from there? Awareness. Awareness of all the shit that lives inside me. I don't feel any better about myself and if I am being honest I actually feel so much worse. Its seems to just have given all those internal critics of mine free reign to wreak havoc inside me. They remind me everyday how much disdain and loathing I have for myself. How I hate the person I am.

Yes it sounds harsh because it is. At least my current therapist has been honest with me and I am thankful for that as I have realized what a crock of shit my previous one was selling me. How she really had no answers but let me stay stuck for over a year and then led me down a path to be raw and open and vulnerable, left me with a huge open wound, actively bleeding, and never coming back to finish the job, but instead just abandoned me in an email. How screwed up that a therapist, a psychologist, a PsyD would fuck with my head and then hurt me so badly. That the person I trusted with so much of my deepest darkest did not help me but instead hurt me so deeply, so purposefully. The hurt from that experience is extreme. I was given no closure, no way to understand, and also left in a mental headspace that has made it hard for me to recover from. How do I truly ever trust anyone again after being treated so poorly? I feel so used, like I was some kind of fucking experiment.

Shame and guilt are hard ones. They rule my life in many ways with shame being at the top of my list. When I was 17, I betrayed myself. I don't mean some insignificant teenage BS. I went against my morals and values and not only hurt myself but another too. It's something I cannot change, fix, or make any kind of amends. So what I was told is to just accept and when I do I hate myself even more everyday for what I did and find no path for forgiveness for me. This self betrayal will haunt me until I take my last breath. 

I don't think anyone truly understands what it’s like to live with someone you hate when that person is Self. Is it really a mystery why I wake up everyday and try to figure out a way to make some hours disappear so I don't have to spend time with myself, my shame, my guilt?? It is so fucking overwhelming because there is no escaping yourself. I am right there in my head, with my thoughts, beating on myself constantly. So I take drugs and just get so fucking high that I cant feel anymore and I can just escape by passing out.

I have no real friends. I missed Christmas because I have had a nasty virus the last 2 weeks but not one person noticed. I didn't hear from anyone. No holiday greetings, no how are you. and that's what my life has become. Isolated, invisible, and alone with all those lovely voices in my head and my cats. This is my life: I get 2 hours a week to talk with my therapist and the other 166 hours in my week I spend with my cats. I won’t be missed when the road ends. I feel a large crash coming soon.

I knew at some point this was coming. I am tired. I cannot keep this up. I feel like an imposter, one who has been faking it for a very long time but has finally been exposed. If I am such a great person, why am I so alone? This question stings because there is no answer that makes sense except for I am not a good person. To give your entire life to others and then end up alone is the story of my life. My reality is that I don't see a way to change this for myself. Where do I find people to just talk to let alone find a friend or build a support system? Unfortunately it's not real safe here in the US to be looking for friends unless of course you're MAGA. How can I even trust my own decisions when everyone I chose over my years is no longer here because they were never really here for me? I blame no one for my situation except for myself and the solution will be mine alone.

I have no doubt that I have paid my societal debt for giving. I have given everything I have to others but on the flip side that has left very little for me to give myself. My tank is beyond empty with no real way to fill it up. Its just not possible to provide myself with all I need and believe me I have been trying with all I have but it's just not enough. Slowly, everyday I am giving up, little by little and it feels like 2026 I will find the end of my road. 

I don't know when It will happen. I am not in a hurry. I will have a fail safe plan. It will be painless and pleasant. I will make sure that what little I am responsible for will be well taken care of. Slowly, little by little I will move out of the security of my Castle and leave it as my “I was here” place, abandoned and haunted by the voices of my parts that will celebrate their victory in ending the pain of it all while all those secrets get buried along with me. 

                            

                                        

This may be my last post here on this blog. Maybe I’ll document my final trip. I haven’t determined if I want to keep writing here. While I have enjoyed it, I had hoped to find some people to interact with but they have all gone now. I get it- who wants to just read about the darkness. Depression is dark. Depression is hard. For me, depression is terminal with no way out. It’s not really living, it’s just existing and it’s a miserable place to be. It just cycles round and round and doesn't get any better. I don't see a path to win against this horrible place that my mind keeps me trapped in. I'm not sure what's worse, the pain in my body or the one in my mind. Either way, I am so over the pain and never finding any answers for any of it.

I hope you all find a much better world out there than the one I live in. I don't wish it on anyone but maybe the Orange Taco Asshole who is causing so much harm to people and my beloved USA. 

Here’s to the end of pain. 🥂 As we used to say back in my day: Peace, Love and Bobby Sherman ❤️☮️

https://youtu.be/NLlOeGeVih4?si=MS0OPOIFJ-JVqgzC

May everyone find their own peace.

12.30.25

Darkness, Winter, and Giving Up

Darkness, Winter, and Giving Up

They say Winter is a time for hibernation, to rest and renew before the new growth and awakening of Spring. This year I seem to be finding just the darkness. It’s 12 days until Christmas and I am just not feeling very festive.

I totally missed Thanksgiving as I spent the entire week just trying to survive a horrible health episode. While I’m hoping Christmas week will not greet me in the same way, the joy in the season eludes me. That makes me sad.

How do you celebrate or find the Christmas spirit when everyday all we see is the cruelty of the US Government in action. Violence, threats, losing our rights and freedoms, racism and bigotry are all on display seemingly every hour these days. So much shit happens that it’s hard to keep up with it all. It’s heartbreaking. 

I’m fighting my own internal battles which gives me no respite from all the hate. It’s getting so hard to keep going. I dwell in my basement of darkness a lot. I feel like the last few weeks and in so many ways I have truly given up on myself. I have no expectations of anything getting any better than where I sit right here right now. Nothing I do seems to help or even matter anymore. I don’t see anyway to change that. 

I’ve been in a mode of if nothing changes, can I accept my life as it is? The answer hasn’t changed. It’s a big NO. I loathe my life and have great disdain for myself. The shame I carry will never change but instead just continue to torture me until I take my last breath. 

The difficulties of being isolated and so alone are catching up to me. It’s not realistic to think I can provide enough self regulation to help myself. I only have a couple hours a week where I actually connect with others. I know it’s not enough but I don’t have any other options so what am I to do? 

Retirement has not been kind to me. Everyday is getting harder. I’ve lost so much. I’m making choices that aren’t very healthy in trying to escape and find relief from my reality. Am I trying to hurt myself? 

I started this blog to write about my journey with cancer. Cancer unleashed my depression and anxiety and this became a place I could talk about my mental health struggles. It kind of feels like I’m now documenting the darkness, my slow death of Self. 

Alone, isolated and so cold in the dark. Will I be able to keep finding a light or some warmth? I have so many doubts. 

12.13.25