Alone

Alone

Sharing someone else’s words today….this holds so much truth for me. 

People don't just become loners overnight - it happens gradually, after too many disappointments, too many broken promises, and too many times they've let their guard down only to regret it.

It starts with small letdowns, the kind you brush off because you want to believe the best in people. Then, one by one, the people. They once trusted to reveal their true colors.

The ones who swore loyalty disappear when things get hard. The ones who promised honesty turn their words into weapons. The ones who claimed to care only cared when it was convenient.

So they withdraw. They learn to enjoy their own company, to rely on themselves, to keep their world small and their peace intact.

They become the ones who observe more than they speak, who listen but rarely share, and who keep their circles tight and their walls higher than before.

It's not that they don't want connection - it's that they refuse to gamble with their trust anymore. Once someone has learned that solitude never betrays them, it becomes hard to convince them to let people in again.

Author unknown

3.21.25

For those walking through a storm in silence, holding back tears, and pretending to be okay while the world rushes past—you’re extraordinary. 

It’s not easy to keep showing up when you feel like falling apart, but every step forward, no matter how shaky, is a testament to the fire inside you. 

Trust that this strength will guide you through.

As long as I keep doing things for myself, I haven’t given up. 

Skullduggery

Skullduggery 

Pinball was all the rage in my teens and 20s and it was something I really enjoyed. I was pretty good at it back in my day and one of my favorite machines was called Skullduggery. It had lots of fun sounds and voices and challenges. I also just liked the word skullduggery.

According to Miriam Webster dictionary, skullduggery means underhanded or unscrupulous behavior. It’s interesting but understandable that this word is coming up for me now. How can I not question everything that happened this past 3 years? How will I ever know if anything was what I thought it was when all I get is silence? 

The past three weeks has been really like no other. When your world becomes small like mine has, the losses become massive. This has been so unexpected and has affected me like nothing else I have gone through. It’s been very debilitating and discouraging as I don’t know how I will ever find my way back to any light. 

I been mostly in bed because I don’t what else to do, where else to go. My brain needs some relief from the constant voices, the unknown, being ghosted and truly abandoned with such a lack of care or concern. It’s difficult to be left wondering about so many things with the biggest question- was any of it real? Was I just another player piece of the game of life you crafted for yourself, to feed your ego and your family, without regard for the consequences that I now get to pay? Did you ever care about me? This feels nothing like caring but maybe I don’t know what that is anymore either! 

I’m very fucked up over this. It’s rocked my world in ways I’m just beginning to realize. It’s so confusing and overwhelming. I am questioning everything. I feel so stupid- how could I be so foolish to believe? How will I ever make sense when I get nothing to make sense of but sitting here alone with the pain of what was taken from me? Why would I ever want to put myself through any of this again when my results have only hurt me? I don’t know how to help myself but it’s a conundrum to even want to trust anyone again. I can’t even trust myself. How do I move forward?

I don’t have answers and I don’t know where I’m going to find any. The encyclopedia in my brain has been altered to such a degree that it’s no longer a place of truths. It’s kind of like Wikipedia; started out with good info but now diluted by others. Just a bunch of bullshit that doesn’t make sense any more. Is anyone out there with any kind of words for me today?  

I have always had a strong survival part but she’s tired. She wonders why are we continuing the fight. I never find answers. It just seems I continue to collect pain and hurt along my path. How can I not think this is my message, that pain is my destiny and what I deserve. I have tried so hard to help myself but when I’ve asked others what have I gotten? More fucking pain.

People suck in my world but I don’t want to live alone. Why get up everyday just to struggle? I feel like such a misfit in this world. Quazar is my part that never feels like we have ever fit in anywhere in this life. How could I? I’m always different than everyone else. Those differences are never celebrated but instead hidden in my attempt to belong. 

I have been told that I deserve good things just because I exist. I don’t believe that for one minute. There is nothing in this world we don’t have to earn- in some way we pay for everything. All the focus on self- care and boundaries are great but they should never be at the expense of others. Intention has so much to do with it. Are you self preserving or self centered? 

How will I find my way even if it’s just to something different? I have no clue. It’s not good being me right now. Simply existing day to day is not any kind of life I want to sustain. Joy has been absent for so long now. Hope is fleeting. Self compassion is non existent. I’m not sure how much longer my Soul Survivor will keep sustaining me on my journey. Do I even care anymore? If I don’t, does any of this really matter? 

Is there anyone out there? Today, a nod would do. When I reach out, no one reaches back. Alone. Me, myself, and I. Can Helga come out to play? Take me away from my reality. I’ve had enough for today

Double I

2.28.25

Quazar 

Exhausted

Exhausted

Today I have a new understanding of the definition of exhaustion. My energy is so low it’s almost nonexistent. My dysautonomia episodes take a lot out of me but today is a whole new level. 

I’ve had chronic pain issues for 20 years. Both knees and one hip have been replaced with the other hip due soon. My back is a mess with multiple levels of discs and stenosis. My hands and shoulders have issues. I haven’t been able to walk unassisted for 5 years now. Having so much osteoarthritis for so long has given me the ability to manage much pain daily. It wasn’t really a choice so I put the work in to make life as comfortable as possible. 

So many people have the wrong idea about mind body connection and pain. It’s easy to say it’s all in your head which is true but that doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. There are still physical reasons for the pain- they aren’t made up or all in your mind- but can control how you are translating those pain signals. Pain signal manager. It’s something I’ve become very good at.

The biggest issue for me is not as much about managing my pain anymore but managing my energy as pain runs on a large band width. As I get older the amount of energy I start with decreases, causing that ripple effect, forcing choices that aren’t always optimal. I have had to realize the value of rest and become aware of my changing needs. 

The pain of the last few weeks has come from my body, my mind, and deep into my soul. Such a sharp wound, so unexpected, still so open and raw. Bleeding tears, wailing from my depths, waves of shocks, lost and confused. It has taken so much. 

Today is extra hard. Every cell in me is tired. I won’t be getting out of bed unless necessary. I won’t be brushing my hair or teeth or changing out of my PJs. I hope I can get enough nutrition and drink enough water. I have no idea how I will sustain and recover. The problem with depression is it lets very little motivation in. It’s getting harder and harder to pick myself up everyday. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. Things pile up. 

That’s the scariest thought. I’ve only ever really had myself. What happens when my body gives up or my mind quits? There is nobody else coming for me….

So many questions. No energy to find answers. Not sure there are any….

Double I: Isolated and Invisible

Alone in the dark

2.26.25

Nuggets of My Truths

Nuggets of My Truths 

Clicking on the pictures makes them clear to read

Trauma Brain. Depression Brain. Full on Brain Train

2.24.25

Kindness Matter

Kindness Matters

^ Click on pic to read ^

Do your best to come from a place of kindness. Be aware of the influences you have and do no harm. 

Trying to make sense of why…..

Living the Double I Life; Isolated and Invisible

2.19.25

Shattered

Shattered

I don’t know how to begin to pick up the pieces of what’s happened. It’s so massive. After I figure that out I need to try to figure out how to put them back together. It’s a huge undertaking and I know I can’t do it alone. Cases of bandaids won’t come close. I’m afraid of what I won't be able to get back

Why are relationships so complicated? Why does it have to hurt so much. I find myself often saying I don’t care. In some cases that’s true. I do find it difficult to care about myself in all ways that I need to. I’m thinking that my real issue is I actually care too much. I have focused all my energy on caring for and about others and have not filled my own heart needs for far too long. It’s empty and rusty, still here taking a beating. I care so much for others but when I try to care for myself with others, my outcome seems to always be pain. 

I wonder how I just don’t accept this as my destiny- to live life alone and unsupported. It happens to me over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…you get the point.

People Equal Pain. PEP.

As I sit here thinking about just how many different things in my life this has affected, how enormous it all is for me, I shed more tears. While I’m thankful for these real feelings dripping from the corners of my eyes, I will ask did I really need a lesson this hard to make them flow? That’s always been my way…the hard fucking way. 

This heart of mine is still leaking. I’m doing all I can. But it’s just plain hard. Trying my best to keep all my pieces and parts contained until we can figure it out. Broken trust. Hurting. 

2.11.25

 

My Basket Broke

 Now what

My basket broke. Shes not coming back due to understandable circumstances but that doesn’t lessen the impact for me. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. Why should I keep trying when it’s the same result for me. Let down and abandoned. How will I trust again. I can’t keep putting myself through this. It’s too painful to think of starting over. I know I need help but to find it is a different story. 

Undeserving. Discouraged. Defeated. Heartbroken. Crushed. Sad. Disbelief. Confused. 

Truly ALONE. No real hope today. Lost. DEVASTATED 

2.5.25

It’s A Day

 It’s a Day

So many thoughts whirling in my brain today. I’m definitely struggling just figuring out my days but today adds more on to it. Convoluted would be an excellent word for my thoughts and feelings on this Inauguration Day.

Hard. Sad. Disappointed. Discouraged. Fearful. Confused. Betrayed. Numb. SMH

 To each their own. I just can’t understand how hate and discrimination is excused and acceptable. I fear for the rights of all who aren’t white men as we all have much to lose. Some way more than others. It’s coming. 

I refuse to support hate, discrimination, anger, or meanness or anyone who supports those who do. There is not a pass for this in my world. To accept the name calling, bullying, and pure revenge is not the world I want to be a part of. You can’t take out the parts you don’t like and look aside. If you support, you take it all. You are just bullshitting yourself and others by pretending and riding that fence. 

I am very confused by you so called Christian’s supporting this behavior, and also judging others.This is the behavior that you want your children, grand children, and great grandchildren to children to model? The very first week you want to make some peoples existence illegal and lock people up because they’re wanting a better life? Not sure what God or Jesus you follow but the ones I learned about in the Bible are kind, loving, and accepting of all people and the only judge is God. Christianity does not justify this type of treatment of people in any way shape or form. Fuck you hypocrites! My heart is already sad just thinking about what’s to come. 

Some people call me cold or curt which I get. My depression can have me zombie like at times but also I’ve come to honor the parts of me that desire/require total honesty. I suppose blunt would be another good word. Some of it is my not wanting to waste time and another part is I want people to be honest with me. No matter what it is, I would much rather someone tell me the truth than lie. When you’re honest, even if I don’t like what you said I can process and move forward. When you lie, I lose trust so I never get over it and it alters our relationship. 

This works for me and I’m not going to make any excuses for my decisions for myself. I accept whatever that affects for me going forward. Being honest about my own self has been a huge step. I have to Be Authentic Me. I learned a lot more about some people I had around this past year. I’ll just say I’m thankful for the lessons; no matter how painful they have a place. 

I continue to find old and unwanted and slowly rid myself of some of this heavy load. Can’t build much new with so much old in the way. I’ll take that for a partial win. I’m hoping to find additions somewhere- it’s pretty busy yet empty in here. That’s a real challenge. 

I refuse to support the hate and discrimination and anyone who does. 

I battle enough of it internally. I can’t live in a world where it’s all I hear. 

ISO Day 21 Alone.Tired. Processing. Trying

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve had any meaningful conversation with another human. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that no one but me, myself, and I, is just all there is right now. Why pretend. I’m hoping my therapist will return in a few weeks. Everyone else has let me down. It’s hard to hold myself. 

I read recently that as long as I keep doings things for myself, I haven’t give up. Hmmmm

1.20.25

Endings NYE Part 1

Endings

 New Years Eve. Last day of the year. Can’t say I’m sad to see 2024 end. Yesterday my therapy ended. I’m still having a difficult time wrapping my head around how I got here. We spent time making sure this wouldn’t be happening while she’s on maternity leave. The reality is I’m officially alone until she comes back. I know she won’t be happy to hear this has happened. 

I simply can’t understand how someone could fuck with me in this space of mental health. It’s so messed up. I really need the support I get from therapy, right now more than ever. I’m struggling and this is a hard time to lose access. I’m sad and also very mad about being treated like this. The hardest part for me is this had nothing to do with the therapist. I know we both are upset. Reality. Acceptance. No other real options. 

Even though I recognize these thoughts are not necessarily true, I am going through an entire spectrum from feeling dumped and abandoned, to everyone in my life leaves me, all the way to broken, unhealable and worthless so what’s the point. My family system can be so cruel to me. The Squad in full effect. It’s hard to fight with them all right now in my current weakened state.

I have considered being in therapy as much needed self care the last few years. Now I don’t know. I might be done. I don’t want to continue being hurt in these spaces I visit for help. That seems to be a theme lately, hurting more than helping. This includes groups, workshops, and all the other places I have been going for support. Lots to think about. I always try to keep my promise to myself about not making permanent decisions when I’m in such a fucked up head space or under the influence. Just one of many harm reduction things I have in place for myself. This will be no different. I have no deadline, no time limit. 

I’m still very depleted physically and today spent mentally as I think of going forward on my own. Rest. Nutrition. Hydration. Can I count that as 3 self care items? I’m going to give myself some much needed credit as I continue to replenish. I think I can manage a shower today. 

It’s daunting for me right now as I think of what’s ahead. It will be a most difficult challenge to hold myself up, to care enough, to just manage every moment upcoming. I will need to use every available tool, method, substance, resource, or whatever I’ve learned if I’m going to have a chance for myself. I’m not very confident but this hasn’t been the best week for building much up in myself. 

Isolation begins. What will it mean? A beginning, an end, or just a waste. More struggles and hardship. I have no answers. Just many thoughts. So many thoughts. I’ll try to keep sharing. 

Sitting with it all in the early morning on this last day of 2024.

12.31.24

The group of people called therapists

 Finding a Therapist…my personal experiences 

My therapist has been on maternity leave for 15 weeks and 3 days now. Yes I’m counting. I’m hoping only 3 more weeks until she returns. I will make a separate post about this soon. I made a mistake by not finding someone else to see while she has been gone. My plan was to just take a break and work on improving my daily life. That didn’t work out well for me. 

I did try finding someone else and my experiences were honestly fucked up! I reached out to a total of 22 different therapists that I found from searching several hundred. I excluded the 12 who courteously replied by email they weren’t taking new clients even though their listing stated otherwise. All of them offered free consults which I took advantage of. Three of them didn’t bother to show up at the scheduled time even when confirmed and no communication they weren’t coming(so unprofessional). One challenged me for asking her questions and then told me I wasn’t right for her practice because I asked(I thought therapy was a collaboration not a dictatorship). Two showed and said they had no space for several months(why take the consult when I need someone now?). One told me to try Better Help. One I contacted thru a low cost service told me she gave away her last sliding scale spot the night before but could see me at full price(I call BS on the night before). 

Ten rejections. Ten failures. Hopeless. Empty. This is how I felt after these encounters. Sure I am responsible for my own feelings but here’s what I’d like to say to any therapist that might be reading this:

I am so happy that mental health is in the public eye now more than ever and people are getting help, which means you all have an abundance of clients/patients available to make your living. Update your info online. When it says taking new patients I assume you are. While I respect and honor your right to help who you choose, PLEASE pause and check within yourself when making those choices out loud. There are many like me truly hurting and first impressions, actions and words can be very impactful. Treat your consults as professional, delicate and gentle as a session. None of us know what’s really going on in each other.

From my experiences I don’t have a very good opinion of therapists in general. I never found anyone to help me get through this time. It has been hard being alone again with all my thoughts. I can only hope I’ll get mine back in three weeks. I don’t know what I’ll do if that doesn’t happen. 15 weeks, three days and still counting.

2-2-23