Giving In or Giving Up
How do I continue? Hopelessness abounds. Darkness still prevails. I don’t see a way out but instead just an end. To fall off into the void. To end the pain and suffering of so many years. To relieve myself of the constant struggle of survival.
I’m not living. I’m barely existing. Slowly dying in my aloneness. Why would anyone in this world care if I don’t care about myself. Trauma brain tells me this but sometimes it seems I care too much about others and that’s what hurts me so.
I don’t see a way in, a way around, a way out. Trapped in my misery, so close to crazy, parts in such disarray, out of control, so close to being psychotic, and ready to go to the end to find relief.
Any possibility of help is now gone. Unable to accept any assistance, barely functioning. What now? No real answers. Just more pain and suffering.
Depression is such an expert thief. Holding a very thin thread today.
Alone. Isolated. Invisible. The paradise of my private hell.
4.17.25
I hear you. There were times I wrote posts like this. But remember your brain is sick. It's like having painful gallstones, only it's in your head. Even tho you are experiencing this emotionally, that's part of the illness. You truly cannot trust these feelings as they are being driven by out-of-balance chemicals. Normally I would say to always trust your gut, EXCEPT when one is suffering from clinical depression, truly the worst illness of all, and I can say that as I'm a terminal cancer patient. Nothing is worse than depression. NOTHING. About 20 years ago, mine was so bad that I called a suicide hotline, who in turn called an ambulance for me. It was the ER doctor who found me a safe and caring psychiatric hospital, and I actually was there only five days, as their protocols began working quickly. But no matter how many days or weeks you stay, that is the beginning of your way home. You can't do this alone. Reach out, even to a hotline if necessary. There is a lot of help, love and care out there. I was at the bitter end when I did that, and I'm so glad I did. You can recover.
ReplyDeleteYes I have learned to ride the roller coaster of having depression. It’s always a concern if the seat belt will continue to hold when needed. This year has been a whole new experience of losing my therapists but I have finally found enough of myself just recently to locate and get started with someone new. I am acutely aware that I need help to navigate this path. The lying, thieving voices of depression can keep me going in unhealthy ways. I hope to find some words to update soon. I’ve just need some time to rest and recharge for another battle with this oh so relenting disease. Thanks for reaching out! Do you still have a blog? Feel free to share…
Delete