The Basement full of secrets

Defeated,

I went beyond the basement

Greeted there by The END and Deeper.

We all sat awhile

I listened.

The END was so very strong but,

Deeper more convincing.

This time

Written on 4-4-22

Thinking I will add more

Support System Deficiency 

I’m told we all need a system of support, a safety net, that we can count on to help us through the rough patches in our life. My safety net died in 2004. My brother, my best friend in this lifetime. It’s hard to find the words to describe our relationship. Never judgmental, always supportive, kind, and loving. He kept me on my path. 

We spent most every Saturday together in the spa or pool which would morph into dinner then cards, games, or a movie. We shared our weeks happenings with each other. We held nothing back and no topic was off limits. More than anyone else in my life my brother taught me what unconditional love was all about. And then he was gone. Losing him created such a huge void for me.

I thought I was managing until the question was asked- Who is your support system? I had to really put some thought into this because my reality is I have no one. I am sure I could make a list with a few names on it who would help me with certain things, but right here and right now no one truly knows me and what’s happening. 

People say I will support you but I’m not sure what that means as I have been mostly alone during my journey with cancer and into my mental health struggles. It’s also often said that you isolate yourself when you’re depressed. I have to disagree because I have found that people generally don’t want to hear about the hard times. So am I truly self-isolating?

What does supporting someone mean to you? For me the term is holding space. It’s more difficult than it might seem.

I wrote an entire blog entry on being strong. I have been trying to redefine that word in my vocabulary because as a person who is genuine giver my choices for friends don’t always fulfill many of my needs. I definitely see how my tendencies have led me to this place of having so little support. 

Right now I am so thankful for the many different ways my therapist provides support. At the same time it makes me sad that this is where I am at and also conflicted at times because that is her job. It is for me a genuinely safe space that provides a ray of much needed hope.

Friends…More listening, less busy. Be willing to just be there..come as you are. 

I don’t know how my story ends yet. 

4-4-22