Giving In or Giving Up

 Giving In or Giving Up

How do I continue? Hopelessness abounds. Darkness still prevails. I don’t see a way out but instead just an end. To fall off into the void. To end the pain and suffering of so many years. To relieve myself of the constant struggle of survival. 

I’m not living. I’m barely existing. Slowly dying in my aloneness. Why would anyone in this world care if I don’t care about myself. Trauma brain tells me this but sometimes it seems I care too much about others and that’s what hurts me so. 

I don’t see a way in, a way around, a way out. Trapped in my misery, so close to crazy, parts in such disarray, out of control, so close to being psychotic, and ready to go to the end to find relief. 

Any possibility of help is now gone. Unable to accept any assistance, barely functioning. What now? No real answers. Just more pain and suffering. 

Depression is such an expert thief. Holding a very thin thread today. 

Alone. Isolated. Invisible. The paradise of my private hell.

4.17.25

Prickly

 I haven’t had much nice to say so I haven’t been here. Seems like it doesn’t matter as no one is out there anymore. Trying hard to find my way back to some reasonable sanity as it’s all slipping so far away. I have come to see how easy it could be to have a psychotic break when your parts have been in such disarray for so many weeks. It’s a slippery slope I’m on right now. Still holding on for life.

Is there anybody out there?

4.15.25 US tax day. First time in 60 years I didn’t have to file! 

Trust

 Trust

Trust. Where can I find some. My life seems to be filled with red flags and warning signs everywhere I go. That explains my shutdown but it doesn’t solve anything at all. It does make me aware of my lack of resources and options. I’m at zero and still trying to go backwards. So used to digging my own holes and filling them in. Hard to even trust myself these days.

So much awareness seems to have created much dysregulation and upset in my inner world. Feeling so lost. Protesting right out loud inside my head! 

Invisible, isolated, and alone with me myself and I 

4.2.25