Emergence

Emergence

Emergence according to the Oxford dictionary is the process of coming into view or becoming exposed after being concealed; the process of coming into being, or of becoming important or prominent. A very appropriate word for where I’m at.

Depression can be such a thief and a liar. It’s hard to imagine unless you’ve experienced it yourself or lived closely with someone who lives with it. I got so lost in my darkness and when you’ve essentially left yourself alone it can be suffocating, swallowing you up into its non stop harshness and cruelty until there’s nothing left but a dark void.

I’m starting to finally emerge. I hope this time will be different. I took time to rest, to breathe, to find stillness and search for more answers, but also to truly see all the parts of me that are so wounded and those that keep them suffering; to turn a light on them all and really look and to listen.

I knew then that I couldn’t give up or stop now. I was truly on the edge, not having any idea of how to help myself after being let down in such a huge way once again. I am thankful for the strength of my survival part that has yet to fail me.

I was able to find the ability to reach out and again search for help. Therapists can be an odd bunch overall; I won’t say anything more except I was able to wade through the bizarre and lack of professionalism to find someone new.

It’s been different and at times surprising but ultimately I am finding some hope back here in therapy. Of course lots of trepidation of being hurt, let down and abandoned but I can’t let that stop me from trying to get help for these parts of mine that have been waiting so long and hurting so deeply.

I went all in this past week. Straight to the challenging shadow parts, the ones who were left open, vulnerable and abandoned alone. Why wait? They can’t hurt much more than has already been done. I think I opened a door to hope but this isnt Let’s Make a Deal. It’s more Let’s Get Real so we can Heal. It’s a hard place to go, to be brutally honest with yourself and face those demons inside, but my other choices aren’t very desirable. 

I’m OK for right now. I am still fighting and I have some new support. I’ll keep you posted.

Stay safe out there. It’s a such a cruel world currently around us

5.9.25