Cycles of Depression
My good friend Lola, my depression has been kicking my ass the past few days. She’s such a good thief and just as good a liar. While I might be cognizant of her ways, she still knows how to take me right out and put me back down, down in to the basement.
One thing I do appreciate about the field of medicine is how so many keep curious about how we humans work and new ways to help us heal. In my lifetime I have seen so many advancements but yet there is still so much unknown. The brain is one of those mysteries that continues to be unraveled in so many new ways.
Depression is one of the many things that keeps being studied and for someone who lives with it I am always on the look out for new findings and knowledge. Neuroplasticity, the ability to regenerate and change neural pathways, was one of the biggest findings in recent times. Now I see more and more articles and research finally recognizing that depression isn’t always a chemical imbalance in the brain.
Up until recently, it was widely accepted that depression had to do with low serotonin levels in the brained thus the reason for the development of anti-depressants. Thankfully medical researchers didn’t just accept that fact and continued to question the findings ruled by that only around 60% of people found any kind of relief while taking these meds.
What is now being said is depression doesn’t universally show up as low serotonin in the brain. They have now identified sub types which can help predict what treatments may be helpful. They are also talking about the roles of our genetics and our gut microbiome and brain connection, recognizing that 90% of our serotonin is found in our gut.
Alternative treatments including different psychedelics, deep brain stimulation, and trans cranial magnetic stimulation(TMS), in addition to correcting our gut microbiome, are just a few of the things they are looking into, trying to create a more personalized treatment for each individual person.
All these things can help keep me hopeful, to know that maybe one day Lola can give up her lying, cheating ways and find a different place in my life that’s not so dark, not so sticky, not so heavy and doesn’t keep me stuck in these cycles, these loops of hopelessness, suffering and despair.
Stuck in the muck is such a good way to describe what happens. I sometimes call her my messy brain as she can make it hard to see clearly, to know what to do, to keep my head above and just keep breathing. She makes me lose trust in my Self and question everything I am doing. When you don’t really have anyone you trust for help with the fog and doubt, it’s so hard to keep going, to know you will make it back up those steps without falling.
The cycles of my depression are such a challenge. Often so unpredictable, like a tornado in my brain, she can wipe out all those small glimmers that may be sustaining me and kick my ass right down those steps, back to the basement, where darkness lingers. The cost of getting out is getting steep.
I can only do my best everyday and as I have mentioned many times previously, that isn’t always good enough anymore. And so it goes, up and down and all around. Kicks me when I’m up and harder when I’m down. I ride and ride and some days I just want to get off but that’s just another battle with the rest of the Squad. I can only use what I got.
How much more hurt can a person endure before OD’ing on life’s torture?
Be safe out there.
8.13.25
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