2026 The Long Road Home: My Journey Into The Darkness
It’s three weeks into 2026. The outside world is becoming so hard to watch, so hard to understand the cruelty and violence happening right here in the USA. Just another added layer of harshness for me to figure out how to navigate. There seems to be no real escape.
I have tried so hard but I’m so very tired. I no longer have any realistic expectations that I will ever get any better than I am right here and right now. I’ve spent many hours in therapy talking, just as many if not more reading and watching and trying to educate myself. I’ve taken medications, bought the programs and workbooks, done the breathing and meditations and so many kinds of exercises- all supposed “gold standards” for treating trauma with “proven” research and result but I’ve come to realize that research apparently doesn’t include anyone like me because NONE OF IT WORKS FOR ME!
When I embarked on my journey into the world of therapy, I didn’t expect miracles or quick cures. I never even expected my therapist to “fix” me even though they all worry enough to comment about that. I knew I was carrying a lot underneath and it would take work which I have happily done. I was hopeful for change. Every single person has told me they can help me feel better about myself and I’ve tried to believe them, but here I am four years later and the only thing that has changed is my awareness of how much I loathe myself and hate my life. Life is so full of triggers for me that safety seems elusive and I just live either in shutdown or fight/flight.
My life’s circumstances have been altered so much the last 5 years. I went from working 60 plus hours a week, to now having “chronic” health issues, rarely leaving my house or having any connection to anyone or anything. These days I’m often in bed, wasting the day away. I’ve kind of become that weird, crazy old woman, that lives alone with her cats. Life doesn’t fulfill me or excite me or give me any reason to want to keep engaging. While my world has become so small, my struggle has only grown larger.
I will do my best to keep trying to find answers, to move forward as I always do, but in the background I will be working to manage all my responsibilities so I can be able to depart guilt free. A plan. To find my path home. To be free of the pain, done with the darkness.
I know that much of what I have written on my blog is not new. Just re-reading my blog has confirmed for me how cyclical my depression is, how it doesn’t ever really get better but just goes up and down and all around. It seems never ending with no way out. I am not living I am just existing and I hate it so much.
Why should I have to endure so much physical and emotional pain just to survive? I don’t believe in life at all costs. To be told there are no answers, we don’t know, I just have to figure out a way to endure is unacceptable to me. This will be my way of doing things in my control.
The few people that actually loved and accepted me just as I am have all passed away. The pull of having a chance to see them again in some way can be very strong. I don’t have any real hope of ever finding any true friends again in this lifetime. I don’t see any real future where I’ll ever find a life to be worth living.
I feel a small sense of calm. To know I have a choice, to be able to find relief. I am not afraid. I don’t have fear of missing out. While my life’s path has been difficult, I am fine with the things I have done, places I’ve been, people I have helped. They’re enough. I don’t want to struggle any more.
2026. A different kind of year for me. Traveling my path. Alone. Finding my way home. Peaceful. No more pain. There is no one else coming to help. The choice is always mine.
1.17.26
