My Journey Into Silence and Darkness 

It’s been a bit since I’ve been here. I haven’t wanted to share because sometimes posting here makes things real. Life for me has been incredibly hard. Everyday is kicking my ass. Everyday feels like I’m losing. My journey is dark and many ways silent. I feel so very alone on my path and as each day passes it’s gets more difficult to live in this isolation that I have created.

The outside world is still so harsh and seemingly gets worse the longer this administration is allowed to function unchecked. I try my best to limit my exposure but also want to be informed as to what’s happening. As much as I want to, I just can’t pretend to not care but I also need to protect myself from the overwhelming amount of racism, hate, and cruelty we are all being exposed to. It makes me incredibly sad to see my country behave like this and I don’t want to be a part of it. I care about people- ALL people. Not real happy with MAGA supporters but. 

My inside world is struggling so mightily. My brain overflows with thoughts and words that I can’t always make sense of. The internal dialogue can be so harsh. I commented some weeks back that things have shifted and I’m feeling that so strongly these days.

I’m slowly giving in, giving up. I don’t know how much longer I can sustain myself. That sentence says it all- sustain myself. I know I am a strong woman, but I don’t see where it’s even possible for me to pull myself out of how far I’ve fallen. I have set myself up to fail by not having a support system in place for these years when I need it most. 

My total health is crap right now. My mental and emotional health sucks. My physical health has been deteriorating ever since I had cancer and I would have to say I feel worse right now than I ever have in my entire life. I’ve went to so many doctors and had so many tests and here I sit almost 5 years into symptoms with zero answers of why this stuff is malfunctioning or how to help. 

How can my mental health improve as my body fails? Not sure it’s possible. While I do believe in mind/body, I don’t believe that a person creates their own health issues in the mind. For myself, I do think mental struggles can exasperate the physical symptoms. I get so tired of being dismissed and gaslit by people claiming it’s all in your mind. One day I’ll post about this as I’m very passionate on this topic. 

Giving up and giving in. Little by little, part by part, I seem to be surrendering to the beliefs that things will never change, that so many parts of me will never even get a chance to change or heal. Lots of grieving has been going on internally because of the acceptance. Many parts have felt cornered, frustrated with being stuck so they surrender. My parts are tired of the struggling, feeling like we are fighting a losing battle. They don’t have the strength to continue the fight.

In many ways I am preparing for the inevitable. I’m losing parts of myself. I’m allowing the giving up and giving in. I have accepted the facts that I have limited resources that factor in including support and finances. If something major would happen I am just shit out of luck. I can’t do it all for myself any longer as I’m just not physically and mentally able. 

I have tried so hard to help myself. So many different things and ways and people and yet there seems to be no answers for me, nothing that truly gives me any hope of recovery. And that’s it in a nutshell. I have lost any hope of change.

Hopelessness waxes and wanes in my life. It has been a huge part of depression for me. This seems bigger than that. I understand it though. When you’ve been fighting for answers and solutions as long as I have and received zero else, ending the struggle becomes real. 

I talk about suicide because I think about suicide. Those that may panic when they hear the word don’t understand how suicidality can be chronic. I am not in immediate danger of killing myself today but I am at risk that it could happen. That became very real for me this week when I realized I was actually willing to go through with it. There is nothing here on this earth that makes me want to stay much longer. No person would really miss me and I’m not attached to my cats enough to keep fighting for them. I don’t have FOMO as I’ve done enough things in my life and I don’t have a bucket list. 

In some ways, it’s a comfort to know I’m willing because at least it’s an answer to end the suffering of my symptoms, a solution that I have not found anywhere else. In other ways it’s sad that I feel I have no other options but it’s where I’m at. I haven’t set a time limit for my self and I will continue to do what I can.

My darkness is thick and unrelenting. The heaviness of the burdens are becoming too much to bare. I am very much alone in the silence, in the private hell that I’ve created for myself. I’m not living. I’m just dying, little by little; part by part, slipping away into the abyss; the point of no return. 

Point of no return? Time will tell. Not today. Substances sustaining me for now. 

Is there anyone out there? I’ll let you know before I go.

3-13-26 

2026 The Long Road Home: My Journey Into The Darkness 

It’s three weeks into 2026. The outside world is becoming so hard to watch, so hard to understand the cruelty and violence happening right here in the USA. Just another added layer of harshness for me to figure out how to navigate. There seems to be no real escape. 

I have tried so hard but I’m so very tired. I no longer have any realistic expectations that I will ever get any better than I am right here and right now. I’ve spent many hours in therapy talking, just as many if not more reading and watching and trying to educate myself. I’ve taken medications, bought the programs and workbooks, done the breathing and meditations and so many kinds of exercises- all supposed “gold standards” for treating trauma with “proven” research and result but I’ve come to realize that research apparently doesn’t include anyone like me because NONE OF IT WORKS FOR ME!

When I embarked on my journey into the world of therapy, I didn’t expect miracles or quick cures. I never even expected my therapist to “fix” me even though they all worry enough to comment about that. I knew I was carrying a lot underneath and it would take work which I have happily done. I was hopeful for change. Every single person has told me they can help me feel better about myself and I’ve tried to believe them, but here I am four years later and the only thing that has changed is my awareness of how much I loathe myself and hate my life. Life is so full of triggers for me that safety seems elusive and I just live either in shutdown or fight/flight. 

My life’s circumstances have been altered so much the last 5 years. I went from working 60 plus hours a week, to now having “chronic” health issues, rarely leaving my house or having any connection to anyone or anything. These days I’m often in bed, wasting the day away. I’ve kind of become that weird, crazy old woman, that lives alone with her cats. Life doesn’t fulfill me or excite me or give me any reason to want to keep engaging. While my world has become so small, my struggle has only grown larger. 

I will do my best to keep trying to find answers, to move forward as I always do, but in the background I will be working to manage all my responsibilities so I can be able to depart guilt free. A plan. To find my path home. To be free of the pain, done with the darkness. 

I know that much of what I have written on my blog is not new. Just re-reading my blog has confirmed for me how cyclical my depression is, how it doesn’t ever really get better but just goes up and down and all around. It seems never ending with no way out. I am not living I am just existing and I hate it so much. 

Why should I have to endure so much physical and emotional pain just to survive? I don’t believe in life at all costs. To be told there are no answers, we don’t know, I just have to figure out a way to endure is unacceptable to me. This will be my way of doing things in my control.

The few people that actually loved and accepted me just as I am have all passed away. The pull of having a chance to see them again in some way can be very strong. I don’t have any real hope of ever finding any true friends again in this lifetime. I don’t see any real future where I’ll ever find a life to be worth living. 

I feel a small sense of calm. To know I have a choice, to be able to find relief. I am not afraid. I don’t have fear of missing out. While my life’s path has been difficult, I am fine with the things I have done, places I’ve been, people I have helped. They’re enough. I don’t want to struggle any more. 

2026. A different kind of year for me. Traveling my path. Alone. Finding my way home. Peaceful. No more pain. There is no one else coming to help. The choice is always mine.

1.17.26