My Journey Into Silence and Darkness 

It’s been a bit since I’ve been here. I haven’t wanted to share because sometimes posting here makes things real. Life for me has been incredibly hard. Everyday is kicking my ass. Everyday feels like I’m losing. My journey is dark and many ways silent. I feel so very alone on my path and as each day passes it’s gets more difficult to live in this isolation that I have created.

The outside world is still so harsh and seemingly gets worse the longer this administration is allowed to function unchecked. I try my best to limit my exposure but also want to be informed as to what’s happening. As much as I want to, I just can’t pretend to not care but I also need to protect myself from the overwhelming amount of racism, hate, and cruelty we are all being exposed to. It makes me incredibly sad to see my country behave like this and I don’t want to be a part of it. I care about people- ALL people. Not real happy with MAGA supporters but. 

My inside world is struggling so mightily. My brain overflows with thoughts and words that I can’t always make sense of. The internal dialogue can be so harsh. I commented some weeks back that things have shifted and I’m feeling that so strongly these days.

I’m slowly giving in, giving up. I don’t know how much longer I can sustain myself. That sentence says it all- sustain myself. I know I am a strong woman, but I don’t see where it’s even possible for me to pull myself out of how far I’ve fallen. I have set myself up to fail by not having a support system in place for these years when I need it most. 

My total health is crap right now. My mental and emotional health sucks. My physical health has been deteriorating ever since I had cancer and I would have to say I feel worse right now than I ever have in my entire life. I’ve went to so many doctors and had so many tests and here I sit almost 5 years into symptoms with zero answers of why this stuff is malfunctioning or how to help. 

How can my mental health improve as my body fails? Not sure it’s possible. While I do believe in mind/body, I don’t believe that a person creates their own health issues in the mind. For myself, I do think mental struggles can exasperate the physical symptoms. I get so tired of being dismissed and gaslit by people claiming it’s all in your mind. One day I’ll post about this as I’m very passionate on this topic. 

Giving up and giving in. Little by little, part by part, I seem to be surrendering to the beliefs that things will never change, that so many parts of me will never even get a chance to change or heal. Lots of grieving has been going on internally because of the acceptance. Many parts have felt cornered, frustrated with being stuck so they surrender. My parts are tired of the struggling, feeling like we are fighting a losing battle. They don’t have the strength to continue the fight.

In many ways I am preparing for the inevitable. I’m losing parts of myself. I’m allowing the giving up and giving in. I have accepted the facts that I have limited resources that factor in including support and finances. If something major would happen I am just shit out of luck. I can’t do it all for myself any longer as I’m just not physically and mentally able. 

I have tried so hard to help myself. So many different things and ways and people and yet there seems to be no answers for me, nothing that truly gives me any hope of recovery. And that’s it in a nutshell. I have lost any hope of change.

Hopelessness waxes and wanes in my life. It has been a huge part of depression for me. This seems bigger than that. I understand it though. When you’ve been fighting for answers and solutions as long as I have and received zero else, ending the struggle becomes real. 

I talk about suicide because I think about suicide. Those that may panic when they hear the word don’t understand how suicidality can be chronic. I am not in immediate danger of killing myself today but I am at risk that it could happen. That became very real for me this week when I realized I was actually willing to go through with it. There is nothing here on this earth that makes me want to stay much longer. No person would really miss me and I’m not attached to my cats enough to keep fighting for them. I don’t have FOMO as I’ve done enough things in my life and I don’t have a bucket list. 

In some ways, it’s a comfort to know I’m willing because at least it’s an answer to end the suffering of my symptoms, a solution that I have not found anywhere else. In other ways it’s sad that I feel I have no other options but it’s where I’m at. I haven’t set a time limit for my self and I will continue to do what I can.

My darkness is thick and unrelenting. The heaviness of the burdens are becoming too much to bare. I am very much alone in the silence, in the private hell that I’ve created for myself. I’m not living. I’m just dying, little by little; part by part, slipping away into the abyss; the point of no return. 

Point of no return? Time will tell. Not today. Substances sustaining me for now. 

Is there anyone out there? I’ll let you know before I go.

3-13-26