2022….It’s a new year. I wish I was feeling the happiness that is supposed to come with the start of a new year. I’m just not there.
I started this blog to share my health journey, my navigating breast cancer. The one thing I am leaving behind in 2021 is the actual cancer itself. There is always a risk of it returning or getting it in the other breast but while it will be in the back of my mind it’s not at the top of my list any longer. So what is? Physically that would be chronic pain from hips, back, and headaches. But my number 1 priority right now is my mental health.
While mental health care has certainly been out in the public eye thanks to people like Simone Biles and Michael Phelps, I never, in my wildest, ever would have seen myself here. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and thoughts of suicide have been a daily reality for me. Most people do not understand that you don’t just wake up and get over it. This is all new to me. I don’t feel like I’m coping well. Broken.
I am sure that I have been depressed for much longer than I am aware of. I seemed to manage it until events in my life just overwhelmed me and my ability to cope was interrupted in a big way. I get frustrated because I have been able to find answers and solutions to everything that I have encountered in my life. I’ve depended upon myself for so many years. This is so different and unfamiliar. I don’t know how to fix this for myself.
To be clear I am seeing a psychologist as I recognize I need professional help. Accepting the help and trusting the process takes time. I have never been in therapy before except for a short forced stint as a teenager. I have no idea how it works or what to expect. It’s very peculiar telling someone things about yourself that you’ve not ever told anyone else. Fixing anything is never easy with no exception for this fucked up brain of mine. It is at times uncomfortable and I must force myself to be honest. I try to remember that my therapist is not judging but they cannot help if they don’t know. I can’t heal if I don’t reveal.
What I do know is every single day is hard. Every single day is painful. I am tired. I am struggling. My current reality is truly unknown. This is no place to live.
1-9-22
My email in case you ever want to message me personally...j_henry16@live.com. My husband and I had this eamil since we were young and I just put him as the primary because he was looking for work at the time. Never changed it so it will say Jason but my name is Jaque and it's mine, so please don't think it's anyone else. As a matter of fact if I can remember I will try and update that tomorrow. Hope you find a little light to your darkness knowing you have helped me a lot. I admire your creativity with words and it's truly an art form and so raw. The feeling of suicide and worthlessness is a feeling even for those who haves tons of support. I'm not alone like you physically to give you a brief, I'm 36, unemployed since diagnosis so home all the time unless doctors, treatments etc. I have a blood cancer called mutliple myeloma. Treatable for most throughout life but uncurable so I guess you could say "Dead woman walking"...my husband and I have been together for almost 23 years and we have four children ages 17, 15, 13 and 8. The 13 year old is the only girl and that is not a complaint because DAMN! She is a handful of personality but my beautiful unique and funny handful lol. My mom and sister are my closest supporters and have a big family but we are most definitely the black sheep! By that I mean literally we love the darkside and embrace different. I don't have social media, hate it for the most part but I do believe it does some good, just not interested on displaying my life for people to lurk, compare and judge. Stuck in a rut but I don't have to tell you what that's like. I will in fact never be free of cancer so moving forward to me is a complete 360 to what and who I was. I still want to be me but I guess a better me. Although I'm not used to self-care because I'm always the caretaker, never thought I'd end up the patient but here I am. Nice to meet you and I hope you reach out to talk and it literally can be about anything we don't even have to mention cancer ;) I'm sad I read all your blogs in about 40 min, no more to read...
ReplyDeleteHello! Good to hear from you. I sent you an email
DeleteJust read my post because I didn't preview, and my thoughts are so jumbled sometimes I drag on a sentence and lose track of my point...anyways I was just trying to say that I have all this support but feel so much alone inside like you. Not even my closest of family can ever truly begin what it is like. I can't say I even can say I understand you completly because we have different battles but ultimately the same feelings of failure, survivalness, suicide, loneliness etc., all of that is 100% the same. So, I would be more than happy to be one of the few friends you have. One of my goals is to build relationships and have an understanding with everyone I feel is important to me and to free myself from toxic people that have no benefit to me as far as my journey of living with this cancer.
ReplyDeleteHello! I’m so glad to hear from you! I have reached out to you via email so you might check your spam file :)
ReplyDelete