Awakening is a painful process. It’s brutal. Everything you thought you knew no longer is the way you know it to be. The sun looks different. Foods don’t taste the same. Conversations are held up to a new standard. Then, you find yourself on an island, raising your white flag, praying for another wakened soul to show you how to navigate your new surroundings. It is an unfolding of your soul. The pain is caused from ironing out the creases, trying to remove remnants of the former self. But it doesn’t work that way. The creases are scars, remnants of the journey you trekked to arrive at this destination. To lessen the pain you must surrender. You have to be ok with not being ok. Observe your unfolding . . . . For not only are you awakening to a new world, you are awakening to your true self.

~ S. Moultrup 

Longing for that awakening.

3-20-22

 

This is the only plan I have. Pretty wide open. 

3-10-22

 Struggling

I’ve really been struggling this week with wanting to give up. Everything I’ve gone thru and all that I’ve done to improve myself, my health, and yet I feel like there is so much left to over come. I get so overwhelmed and then lose hope. It’s still massive. I wonder if I am going to be able to find solutions. I can’t move forward until I solve a 50 year in the making lack of self love. 

Self-love: a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve. Self love means accepting yourself as you are in this very moment for everything that you are. It means accepting your emotions for what they are and putting your physical, emotional, and mental well-being first. 

I found the above in something I was reading. While it makes sense to me, it’s just not how my brain sees or believes and not how I have been living. I think most every person I know would not have a clue that outside of work I don’t really take very good care of myself and have very low self esteem. I have become expert at compartmentalizing all the different aspects of my life. It’s almost like I have a few different personalities and bring out which ever I need. I wonder if my brain broke because it became so confused. Maybe it’s just saying WTF. 

Searching for answers just keeps me finding more questions. This is not living. 

3-8-22

                                                          Going on is not a given

 Degeneration or Regeneration

I long for more moments to be able to experience that connection of body, heart, and mind again. Some days so desperate with almost irrational thoughts of how to create it. My feelings. Where have you gone? The memories from last weekend still with me. Life without feeling is death. 

My hope is fading. It seems at every turn all I find is more questions. At first it feels good to arrive and uncover. But those feelings soon give way to the reality of how enormously fucked up I am. I have so many doubts of ever being able to heal and overcome. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to be here for myself. My days are becoming increasingly harder. I don’t mind the uncomfortable but I’m precariously hanging on to a thread that can snap at any moment. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. 

The darkness and emptiness still surrounds me. The castle that I put so much effort into constructing layer by layer turns out not to be that fairy tale for retirement, but instead more of a horror film. I have become a POS- prisoner of self. There are no doors; they have been blocked for many years. The windows have not been clear enough to see through and light only graces the inside because of the exposure of minute cracks due to age. 

Broken brain. Escape is but a dream. I can’t find my way out of the nothingness. The walls collapse, crushing my soul.

3-6-22