Degeneration or Regeneration

I long for more moments to be able to experience that connection of body, heart, and mind again. Some days so desperate with almost irrational thoughts of how to create it. My feelings. Where have you gone? The memories from last weekend still with me. Life without feeling is death. 

My hope is fading. It seems at every turn all I find is more questions. At first it feels good to arrive and uncover. But those feelings soon give way to the reality of how enormously fucked up I am. I have so many doubts of ever being able to heal and overcome. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to be here for myself. My days are becoming increasingly harder. I don’t mind the uncomfortable but I’m precariously hanging on to a thread that can snap at any moment. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. 

The darkness and emptiness still surrounds me. The castle that I put so much effort into constructing layer by layer turns out not to be that fairy tale for retirement, but instead more of a horror film. I have become a POS- prisoner of self. There are no doors; they have been blocked for many years. The windows have not been clear enough to see through and light only graces the inside because of the exposure of minute cracks due to age. 

Broken brain. Escape is but a dream. I can’t find my way out of the nothingness. The walls collapse, crushing my soul.

3-6-22