Struggling

I’ve really been struggling this week with wanting to give up. Everything I’ve gone thru and all that I’ve done to improve myself, my health, and yet I feel like there is so much left to over come. I get so overwhelmed and then lose hope. It’s still massive. I wonder if I am going to be able to find solutions. I can’t move forward until I solve a 50 year in the making lack of self love. 

Self-love: a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve. Self love means accepting yourself as you are in this very moment for everything that you are. It means accepting your emotions for what they are and putting your physical, emotional, and mental well-being first. 

I found the above in something I was reading. While it makes sense to me, it’s just not how my brain sees or believes and not how I have been living. I think most every person I know would not have a clue that outside of work I don’t really take very good care of myself and have very low self esteem. I have become expert at compartmentalizing all the different aspects of my life. It’s almost like I have a few different personalities and bring out which ever I need. I wonder if my brain broke because it became so confused. Maybe it’s just saying WTF. 

Searching for answers just keeps me finding more questions. This is not living. 

3-8-22

                                                          Going on is not a given