Darkness, Winter, and Giving Up

Darkness, Winter, and Giving Up

They say Winter is a time for hibernation, to rest and renew before the new growth and awakening of Spring. This year I seem to be finding just the darkness. It’s 12 days until Christmas and I am just not feeling very festive.

I totally missed Thanksgiving as I spent the entire week just trying to survive a horrible health episode. While I’m hoping Christmas week will not greet me in the same way, the joy in the season eludes me. That makes me sad.

How do you celebrate or find the Christmas spirit when everyday all we see is the cruelty of the US Government in action. Violence, threats, losing our rights and freedoms, racism and bigotry are all on display seemingly every hour these days. So much shit happens that it’s hard to keep up with it all. It’s heartbreaking. 

I’m fighting my own internal battles which gives me no respite from all the hate. It’s getting so hard to keep going. I dwell in my basement of darkness a lot. I feel like the last few weeks and in so many ways I have truly given up on myself. I have no expectations of anything getting any better than where I sit right here right now. Nothing I do seems to help or even matter anymore. I don’t see anyway to change that. 

I’ve been in a mode of if nothing changes, can I accept my life as it is? The answer hasn’t changed. It’s a big NO. I loathe my life and have great disdain for myself. The shame I carry will never change but instead just continue to torture me until I take my last breath. 

The difficulties of being isolated and so alone are catching up to me. It’s not realistic to think I can provide enough self regulation to help myself. I only have a couple hours a week where I actually connect with others. I know it’s not enough but I don’t have any other options so what am I to do? 

Retirement has not been kind to me. Everyday is getting harder. I’ve lost so much. I’m making choices that aren’t very healthy in trying to escape and find relief from my reality. Am I trying to hurt myself? 

I started this blog to write about my journey with cancer. Cancer unleashed my depression and anxiety and this became a place I could talk about my mental health struggles. It kind of feels like I’m now documenting the darkness, my slow death of Self. 

Alone, isolated and so cold in the dark. Will I be able to keep finding a light or some warmth? I have so many doubts. 

12.13.25