Going outside the lines

A recent group of thoughts made me realize that I haven’t looked at myself in a mirror for many months. The last time I did, I had no real recognition of who that was looking back. The longing to find any semblance of myself has made me even more open to taking risks. 

I did a thing. I cried.

To feel actual tears flowing down my cheeks

A true release

Pink Floyd to ELO to Prince

I sang.

so loud I scared my cats

and then fell off my couch in laughter

I fucking danced, not well, but

I fucking danced! 

A whole gamut of emotions came and went

Every single one savored and fully experienced.

I went in search of answers but

Instead found feelings

Unexpected.

Magic.

Wonderfullyintensivelyoverwhelmimglyexcitingmassivelyunendingdeliciously 

challengingultimateemotionalconnectionawarenessfullspectrumexperience!!!

Holy fuck. 

Yesterday I did a thing. It’s been decades. For a few precious hours I actually felt something- my heart and brain and body and mind were reunited. To experience that comfort and contentment when it’s been absent for so long is not a single word I have in my vocabulary, thus my ode to Mary Poppins Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-docious! above.

The only thing absent at the end of the day was a hug.

2-27-22

 

You can be the side effect

I’d rather be the dope

-Prince-

 Broken Brain continues

There’s so many frustrating things about having depression. One is making it  all the way into this current state of Zombie. Pretty devoid of true emotions. Such a shitty place to live. The second thing is why I can’t figure out how to fix myself. 

I’ve been transparent with the fact that I’m currently in therapy. It’s been super difficult to know that I need to trust someone else to help me. It’s taken me awhile but I have been able to reveal things about myself that I’ve not ever told anyone. I do trust that I won’t get hurt there. Uncomfortable sure but that’s expected. You can’t heal what you don’t reveal. I read that somewhere and now try to repeat it to myself prior to my appointments. Trying every week to allow more truth to come out because I know how valuable insight is to my provider being able help me.

The picture that I posted says so much to me. If I answer the question truthfully it’s because it’s hard to give a fuck about much of anything right now. My lack of caring for myself has been at an all time low. I forget to eat or just don’t. I don’t remember to brush my hair or teeth everyday. I wear the same clothes a lot. I haven’t done my laundry in over a month. Finally washed my dishes after a month. I could go on as it’s ugly but it’s my current reality. It’s incredibly tough to admit these things to myself let alone put them here for all to read. I’ve deleted and rewritten this several times but ultimately decided to share. A new level of low. For me. If it’s part of this illness, it truly sucks.  

What does all this mean? Am I giving up or is it just part of this fucked up brain of mine? Will it all come crashing down? Will I step off the ledge?  I don’t have the answers. I’m still searching. I just don’t want it to be desperately because I think that will be too late.

2-19-22

Broken Brain

Jethro Gibbs rule number 28: When you need help-ask. 

 

Depression. If you’re lucky you could also get the bonus of episodes of high anxiety and flat out panic attacks. I say this in jest but it’s been my reality for months now. Trying to navigate this new reality everyday is challenging to say the least. Every single day is a struggle. Some days demand me to find every bit of energy I can just to navigate the day. 

It’s so frustrating because I think I should be fixing myself and I can’t figure out how. Believe me I try. I’m trying hard to allow the professional to utilize the training and expertise they have to help me. I just keep telling myself I could truly do more harm than good to myself by not listening to them. It’s still difficult to trust and depend on someone else but I’m getting better at it.

So what does it feel like to be depressed? Here’s some of my thoughts as I’ve been dealing with it:

Like shit. Like nothingness. A big black hole. Hopelessness. Frustration and inadequacy. Empty. Worthless. Failure. Drowning. Massive. Messy. Endless. No future. Zombie. Heavy. Shame. Prisoner. Overwhelming. Done with life. Suffocating. On an island full of darkness. Lonely. Loud. Painful. Confused. Sad. Nobody’s home.Life sentence. Trapped. A horror film that I can’t wake up from. 

I’m living with no joy or pleasure or sense of worth.

I can’t get out of my own way. 

I’ve fully lost myself with zero idea how to find me. 

Life without feeling is death. 

I still go to bed and hope I never wake up. Broken brain. Fucked up mind. Simply existing. I don’t know who this is inside my mind but I’m giving my best actress job to most. Not a place I want to continue to live. 

Depression sucks! 

I wish…..                                 

2-2-22

I enjoy the  drawings in this video. 

https://youtu.be/z-IR48Mb3W0