Broken Brain continues

There’s so many frustrating things about having depression. One is making it  all the way into this current state of Zombie. Pretty devoid of true emotions. Such a shitty place to live. The second thing is why I can’t figure out how to fix myself. 

I’ve been transparent with the fact that I’m currently in therapy. It’s been super difficult to know that I need to trust someone else to help me. It’s taken me awhile but I have been able to reveal things about myself that I’ve not ever told anyone. I do trust that I won’t get hurt there. Uncomfortable sure but that’s expected. You can’t heal what you don’t reveal. I read that somewhere and now try to repeat it to myself prior to my appointments. Trying every week to allow more truth to come out because I know how valuable insight is to my provider being able help me.

The picture that I posted says so much to me. If I answer the question truthfully it’s because it’s hard to give a fuck about much of anything right now. My lack of caring for myself has been at an all time low. I forget to eat or just don’t. I don’t remember to brush my hair or teeth everyday. I wear the same clothes a lot. I haven’t done my laundry in over a month. Finally washed my dishes after a month. I could go on as it’s ugly but it’s my current reality. It’s incredibly tough to admit these things to myself let alone put them here for all to read. I’ve deleted and rewritten this several times but ultimately decided to share. A new level of low. For me. If it’s part of this illness, it truly sucks.  

What does all this mean? Am I giving up or is it just part of this fucked up brain of mine? Will it all come crashing down? Will I step off the ledge?  I don’t have the answers. I’m still searching. I just don’t want it to be desperately because I think that will be too late.

2-19-22