Broken Brain
Jethro Gibbs rule number 28: When you need help-ask.
Depression. If you’re lucky you could also get the bonus of episodes of high anxiety and flat out panic attacks. I say this in jest but it’s been my reality for months now. Trying to navigate this new reality everyday is challenging to say the least. Every single day is a struggle. Some days demand me to find every bit of energy I can just to navigate the day.
It’s so frustrating because I think I should be fixing myself and I can’t figure out how. Believe me I try. I’m trying hard to allow the professional to utilize the training and expertise they have to help me. I just keep telling myself I could truly do more harm than good to myself by not listening to them. It’s still difficult to trust and depend on someone else but I’m getting better at it.
So what does it feel like to be depressed? Here’s some of my thoughts as I’ve been dealing with it:
Like shit. Like nothingness. A big black hole. Hopelessness. Frustration and inadequacy. Empty. Worthless. Failure. Drowning. Massive. Messy. Endless. No future. Zombie. Heavy. Shame. Prisoner. Overwhelming. Done with life. Suffocating. On an island full of darkness. Lonely. Loud. Painful. Confused. Sad. Nobody’s home.Life sentence. Trapped. A horror film that I can’t wake up from.
I’m living with no joy or pleasure or sense of worth.
I can’t get out of my own way.
I’ve fully lost myself with zero idea how to find me.
Life without feeling is death.
I still go to bed and hope I never wake up. Broken brain. Fucked up mind. Simply existing. I don’t know who this is inside my mind but I’m giving my best actress job to most. Not a place I want to continue to live.
Depression sucks!
I wish…..
I enjoy the drawings in this video.
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