Trying to Find My Way

 Trying to find my way

I’ve been very reflective and still lacking words to share here. That beacon I saw has come back shining, so I’m hopeful for guidance. I would describe my current’s status as LOST. After all that was taken away I’m now taking notice of what I might have left, what might still be here that I want and also what needs to still go. 

I am acutely aware that change is needed but the path is currently unknown. The only real question is not whether I can be helped but whether I will be able to accept the help. My ability to trust myself let alone another has been severely compromised. 

I’m here still trying. I have to try to give myself some grace for just that- trying- as some days it’s all I can do and it has to be enough. No need to beat myself up for this….easier said than done. 

3.27.25

Alone

Alone

Sharing someone else’s words today….this holds so much truth for me. 

People don't just become loners overnight - it happens gradually, after too many disappointments, too many broken promises, and too many times they've let their guard down only to regret it.

It starts with small letdowns, the kind you brush off because you want to believe the best in people. Then, one by one, the people. They once trusted to reveal their true colors.

The ones who swore loyalty disappear when things get hard. The ones who promised honesty turn their words into weapons. The ones who claimed to care only cared when it was convenient.

So they withdraw. They learn to enjoy their own company, to rely on themselves, to keep their world small and their peace intact.

They become the ones who observe more than they speak, who listen but rarely share, and who keep their circles tight and their walls higher than before.

It's not that they don't want connection - it's that they refuse to gamble with their trust anymore. Once someone has learned that solitude never betrays them, it becomes hard to convince them to let people in again.

Author unknown

3.21.25

For those walking through a storm in silence, holding back tears, and pretending to be okay while the world rushes past—you’re extraordinary. 

It’s not easy to keep showing up when you feel like falling apart, but every step forward, no matter how shaky, is a testament to the fire inside you. 

Trust that this strength will guide you through.

As long as I keep doing things for myself, I haven’t given up. 

March Madness

March Madness 

I’ve felt quiet and have been doing a lot of reflection. For me it feels like the calm after the storm, a calm I’ll gladly embrace while it’s here as that is so often elusive while feeling unsafe. There are still waves that rise and overwhelm but I’m better at riding it out now to find and arrive back to a place where I can still breathe color.

I’m fond of March Madness. It’s a title that’s been given to the NCAA basketball tournament that begins here in the US next week. Today is selection Sunday where all the teams are picked and seeded and bracketed. The higher seeds usually have a better chance but there’s always a “Cinderella” team, an underdog lower seed that plays well and advances deep. For the college basketball players this is their Super Bowl World Series, their chance to become national champions and to showcase their talent. 

For me, sports is a nice distraction. A place I can go for a couple hours and just enjoy the game, the athletes, the competition. I do have a few favorite teams in various sports but I most often just hope for a good game. March Madness tournament rarely disappoints for good games and I assume this year will be no different.

I will utilize my viewing to help tame my own madness, to continue to help myself recover and restore some light back into my life where it has been so dark these past few months. Does it hurt less, no. I've just accepted the added burden, the additional pain, continuing to discover and understand all that has been affected. 

I am trying. Trying to look at this as a new beginning. How could it not be as I’m at a new place, with newly added painful and open wounds to figure out and tend to. Starting over. It’s not exactly what I had in mind but there’s no denying it’s where I am at. 

Begin again. Let’s hope I have the strength. Just finding hope is a start. I’d much rather have solutions over awareness but they are usually a package deal. 

Double I isolated and invisible, me, myself, and I 

3.16.25

"They say beauty comes from a

spirit that has weathered many

hardships in life and somehow

continues with resilience.

Grace can be found in a soul 

who ages softly, even amid 

the tempest.

I think the loveliest by far is the one 

whose gentle heart bears a hundred scars 

from caring, yet still finds a way to pick up 

the lamp, one more time, to light the way 

for love."

 Susan Frybort

Still

Still 

Still a lot of feelings swirling. The sadness and grief of loss, the fear and uncertainty of what’s next. Trying to renew some hope of the ability to find change within myself to create a life worth living.

Isn’t that mostly the goal for any of us? We all have different ideas of what that entails and what it might look like to achieve. To find myself here at my age, I’m not sure what to make of that honestly. I wonder about so many things along the way, questioning the depths of my soul to reflect on how I got right here right now.

I struggled with insomnia last night. It’s not a regular occurrence for me so I know my brain is on overdrive when it happens. 1:07, 3:13, 4:44, 6:01. All the times I noticed the clock as I lay in bed searching for what really was going on. Sleep was pretty elusive; too many thoughts. I suppose I could call it rumination but on many things, not just one.

I have been limiting my social media time to maybe an hour a day. That change has been so good for me, I haven’t missed all the garbage that is found there these days one iota. It’s been a surprisingly easy habit for me to change. I’m still online but in a much healthier way reading and learning and listening to whatever strikes a chord. 

I saw this somewhere while trying to read myself back to sleep. It seemed so appropriate for me and much appreciated. I am grieving and it’s very painful to go through such a difficult and unexpected experience. I have been trying so hard for myself. To find some joy. To enjoy. To not be hurt. The truth is life can kick back and knock you down. It’s all about getting up. 

I’m not quite there yet but I’m working on it. I’m starting to find some space to keep breathing; to see beyond. It’s hard. To find hope and to keep hoping. To still see color even when it’s dark. To look towards the light and find a way; to know you can still get there. 

Alone still- yes I am. But I’m pretty sure there’s a beacon with my name on it and I hope to find it soon. Keep on shining please. I know you’re out there.

Me, myself, and I, living the double I life: isolated and invisible. 

How is your world treating you????

3.11.25

29 Days

29 days 

It’s Friday March 7th, twenty nine days since I received the news of my abandonment by my therapist of 3 years. Everyday I’ve battled my demons, my depression, that deep dark hole where I’m so very alone. This has been an extremely challenging episode in so many different ways. I’ve went to places I’ve not ever been, so deep and dark that even though I have a somewhat comfortability in my familiar darkness, this time was not so familiar at all. Scaring myself at the levels I succeeded to drop into, the self destroying thoughts that permeated my brain. 

I am sure much of that fall was because I’ve been so alone with this journey. Not my choice but it is what I have available at this time. Trust is so elusive, so fearful of another disappointing and painful outcome. Me, myself, and I trying our best everyday with that best falling on some wide scales of how it shows up. 

Last night after twenty nine days I am finally able to breathe, to see some light from the deep dark hole that I fell into once again. A reprieve, a shift, a digging out of sorts, that has allowed me some space to find a few glimmers of color back in my world. Instead of blankly staring, a smile at a joke heard on TV. Instead of annoyed, feeling comforted by the sweet soft purr of one my kitties resting on my lap. Actually noticing and finding delight in the antics of the humming birds at my feeders outside.  Enjoying listening to music instead of feeling the sadness of it. Welcoming the transposition of my thought processing: that black cloud that causes so much chaos is dissipating into light shades of grey with some clearing for now. 

Today I will just take it slow and easy and try to relish some of that color and those glimmers, those small but important sparks that have been so absent and lost, impossible to find all these weeks. Crushed by the enormity of it all, pushed back into the deep dark pit to live in depression, my good friend Lola. 

Sometimes I worry that I just keep going back because it’s familiar, sadly comfortable because of how intimately I know her. But the reality is she really only keeps me stuck in the pain and hopelessness of despair with her promising lies of destructive solutions. It’s hard not to want to believe as she’s shifts into her own treacherous mirage of beauty. Worthless, the temptress, never far away, the leader of the gang, of the group I call my death squad. 

For today it is quieter, much more calm and peaceful. It seems a small path has been cleared from the crushing weight of it all, uncovering things bit by bit, hoping I’ve made my walls stable enough to stop the dirt from falling back in, to keep searching for the light that’s out there for me. I don’t want to keep living in the dark.

I know there is still much happening for me, in me, with me. I will continue to sit with it when I can and to let it rest when I need. I will hope that I find help, true genuine help for all these parts that have been so deeply wounded again. Another challenge of my resolve to help myself. 

It’s easy to give up but the only road I’ve traveled in all my years is the hard fucking way. Why would it be any different now?

I know that this new wound, this loss, this great pain of betrayal and abandonment will take more work. That there will be days that waves of grief still come and overwhelm me. This lesson is a hard one that I shouldn’t have had to take on but it’s here and like everything else, all I can do is give it the best I have offer. I know I will need help with it all if I am to find lasting success with change

I’ll shed many more tears because this one is deep with so much attached that needs to be processed. Losing someone so important in my life, the safety of their trust and support, is going to take time to understand and accept. But I’ll take those tears as long as they can still have some color. I am still here! 

Double I. Me, myself, and I. Alone. Sad. A little lighter. Thanks Self. 

3.7.25

“I helped myself.

I put balm on the wounds. 

I put bandaids where my heart still hurt.

I took my time.

I read books that soothed my soul,

listened to music that calmed my nerves,

watched movies that made me smile.

Step by step. Piece by piece.

I pulled myself together and gave myself

a second chance.

Because I knew that if I didn’t do it, 

no one would.”

Ruby Dhal

Finding Space to Breathe

Finding Space to Breathe

Life has been so heavy for me so far in 2025. This past couple weeks has challenged me like I haven’t felt in many years. It’s difficult to keep fighting when you only have yourself to count on. Struggling but here I am writing it out. 

The last week I did some things that scared me, things I’d not really considered doing before. Making a list of people to call if I’m found dead and a few other details in that realm regarding my pets and possessions. I believe it’s considered part of making your plan. It surprised me somewhat that I got to those thoughts but it shouldn’t have since it’s been so very dark in my world. A true low for me.

I always am continually looking for harm reduction type things I can put in place for myself as I know I’m at risk. Options is one of my favorite words because for me, running out of those options will be when I die. The biggest promise I have between me, myself, and I, is I don’t make permanent decisions when I’m in my low depressive, black and white thinking, hopelessness and despair or any other cognitive distortions. So far I’ve not broken that promise. Not going to lie, I came close this week.

Warm lines. If you don’t what they are and you have depression with suicidal ideation you should have the numbers in your area handy. Why? Unlike the national suicide hotline, warm lines are run by peers and they don’t track your number and turn you in. It’s just someone on the other end to connect with, to talk, to bring yourself back, to stay. You don’t need to be in full crisis to call warm lines. You can call just to talk with someone. Some have an hour time limit but many will talk with you as long as you need.

I found myself in a panic. I knew I needed help getting out of it so I called. I talked. I found some space and was able to breathe a little bit more. It suck’s to not have any options to call someone I know. I just don’t have any support like that in my life any longer. All those type of friends are gone now, sadly have passed away. No family in my picture. Currently having no therapist has made any emotional support back to zero. 

I don’t know what my fate is right now. I am doing my best. Some days I just take minute by minute. Suicide for me is not about wanting to die, but simply not wanting to live this joyless life I’m in. They are separate parts in my system as they are two different things. I’m so aware of the workings that make up these parts of my system. There’s an entire gang I call the death squad.

Awareness is one thing. I do appreciate being aware of all the different parts that make up “me”. But I haven’t made much progress with change. The disappointment and hurt from being so close to some actual help, confronting these shadows of mine and having a plan that all disappeared when I was abandoned by my therapist. It’s hard to find the proper words to explain how many ways that has affected me. I’m still discovering the enormity of it all.

It’s so discouraging to think about starting all over again. Can I do it? Will I do it? How will I do it? Trust is locked away pretty tightly. So many unanswered questions to ponder. My brain is still searching but unsure if I can find solutions. I do realize help is needed. I’m going to search for a bit of hope with finding that help. At least I can breathe a bit more and I’m still here fighting for that breath. 

Double I. Still alone. Struggling. Me. Myself. I

Can I just say fuck. It seems appropriate.

3.4.25

The Big Darkness

The Big Darkness 

It’s as dark as it’s ever been in my world right now. Depression just sucks everything out of me and circumstance doesn’t help. I’m not sure how to help myself. Things are shifting and that can be scary. Of course I have lots of tools but they can only work to a point as this thing called depression can be so alluring and deceiving. So I come here to write, to get my words out because I don’t know what else to do.

Deep sadness and despair overcomes me right at this very minute as I’m writing. I feel so lost and can’t find any scrap of hope today to keep up this fight. I’m used to sitting with pain of all types but this time is different. Letting yourself experience what’s happening is supposed allow it to flow in and then out, like a river. Problem for me is things flow in but then swirl around like a whirlpool with a vortex that sucks it all in and holds it tightly underneath, trapping it all within. 

All the voices in my head, these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and despair are suffocating me, slowly building up enough to crush my entire being. The past few days I been feeling defeated like no other time. Knowing I am totally alone right now has such polarizing effects on my mind. Getting so tired of the fight, the push and pull, like a tug-a-war that never ends. Will that thread that never seems to break keep holding me or will one side claim victory? I have not seen Ted and Teddi for awhile (my thread parts). IYKYK. 

I have doubts that things will change, that I can find some reason that makes me want to stay here. When this first went down I promised myself that this would not be what defeats and buries me. That’s not a promise I can keep right now. This is different. Being alone with no support I just never know. Minute to minute I’m trying my best to stay, to give myself a chance, but how many days can I sit in the shit and not drown? It’s already so hard to breathe. 

These battles in this darkness never seem to give me any relief. I know I need help but where will I find it? I do not know if I’m even capable of allowing anyone to help me again. The ability to explain what’s going on has been severely hampered by betrayal of my trust that is so hard for me to give. Will I have be so desperate that I won’t reach out until I get to the crisis intervention stage? Will I even ask for help then or will I succumb to all the voices in my head?

The pull of wanting this all to end is strong. My life is a fucking disaster and I don’t want to live this anymore. I didn’t want to wake up today but here I am. Still trying. Depression: like a never ending pile of dirty dishes. 

Where do I go? 

What do I do?

Depression….

Fuck you!

More thoughts in poems: 

Depression

Like lead bullets poisoning my bloodstream

Going to the center of my brain

Corroding my mind vault

Letting loose these feelings I trapped away for so long

These thoughts slowly enveloping me

Until there’s nothing left

No me

Just this beast I call depression.

End.

Every day is a challenge for me right now. People don’t understand and most just look away, not really wanting to notice or be bothered by those that might be suffering. I can’t predict what will happen. Right now it’s just all so empty and dark. I’m below my basement today. It’s all just too much sometimes. Why do you think I take drugs. At least they give me some relief, an escape, albeit temporary. It’s better than none at all. 

Consumed by darkness

All fades to black

Light you can’t harness

The passion you lack

The soul that once burned

Now freezes in vain

The answers once yearned

Now provided by pain.

End.

Is there any hope out there to be had? I can use some help finding some. Mine is lost. The vortex. Temptress. Numb Helga please take me away.  

Double I. Alone. 

3.2.25