Still

Still 

Still a lot of feelings swirling. The sadness and grief of loss, the fear and uncertainty of what’s next. Trying to renew some hope of the ability to find change within myself to create a life worth living.

Isn’t that mostly the goal for any of us? We all have different ideas of what that entails and what it might look like to achieve. To find myself here at my age, I’m not sure what to make of that honestly. I wonder about so many things along the way, questioning the depths of my soul to reflect on how I got right here right now.

I struggled with insomnia last night. It’s not a regular occurrence for me so I know my brain is on overdrive when it happens. 1:07, 3:13, 4:44, 6:01. All the times I noticed the clock as I lay in bed searching for what really was going on. Sleep was pretty elusive; too many thoughts. I suppose I could call it rumination but on many things, not just one.

I have been limiting my social media time to maybe an hour a day. That change has been so good for me, I haven’t missed all the garbage that is found there these days one iota. It’s been a surprisingly easy habit for me to change. I’m still online but in a much healthier way reading and learning and listening to whatever strikes a chord. 

I saw this somewhere while trying to read myself back to sleep. It seemed so appropriate for me and much appreciated. I am grieving and it’s very painful to go through such a difficult and unexpected experience. I have been trying so hard for myself. To find some joy. To enjoy. To not be hurt. The truth is life can kick back and knock you down. It’s all about getting up. 

I’m not quite there yet but I’m working on it. I’m starting to find some space to keep breathing; to see beyond. It’s hard. To find hope and to keep hoping. To still see color even when it’s dark. To look towards the light and find a way; to know you can still get there. 

Alone still- yes I am. But I’m pretty sure there’s a beacon with my name on it and I hope to find it soon. Keep on shining please. I know you’re out there.

Me, myself, and I, living the double I life: isolated and invisible. 

How is your world treating you????

3.11.25