The Big Darkness

The Big Darkness 

It’s as dark as it’s ever been in my world right now. Depression just sucks everything out of me and circumstance doesn’t help. I’m not sure how to help myself. Things are shifting and that can be scary. Of course I have lots of tools but they can only work to a point as this thing called depression can be so alluring and deceiving. So I come here to write, to get my words out because I don’t know what else to do.

Deep sadness and despair overcomes me right at this very minute as I’m writing. I feel so lost and can’t find any scrap of hope today to keep up this fight. I’m used to sitting with pain of all types but this time is different. Letting yourself experience what’s happening is supposed allow it to flow in and then out, like a river. Problem for me is things flow in but then swirl around like a whirlpool with a vortex that sucks it all in and holds it tightly underneath, trapping it all within. 

All the voices in my head, these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and despair are suffocating me, slowly building up enough to crush my entire being. The past few days I been feeling defeated like no other time. Knowing I am totally alone right now has such polarizing effects on my mind. Getting so tired of the fight, the push and pull, like a tug-a-war that never ends. Will that thread that never seems to break keep holding me or will one side claim victory? I have not seen Ted and Teddi for awhile (my thread parts). IYKYK. 

I have doubts that things will change, that I can find some reason that makes me want to stay here. When this first went down I promised myself that this would not be what defeats and buries me. That’s not a promise I can keep right now. This is different. Being alone with no support I just never know. Minute to minute I’m trying my best to stay, to give myself a chance, but how many days can I sit in the shit and not drown? It’s already so hard to breathe. 

These battles in this darkness never seem to give me any relief. I know I need help but where will I find it? I do not know if I’m even capable of allowing anyone to help me again. The ability to explain what’s going on has been severely hampered by betrayal of my trust that is so hard for me to give. Will I have be so desperate that I won’t reach out until I get to the crisis intervention stage? Will I even ask for help then or will I succumb to all the voices in my head?

The pull of wanting this all to end is strong. My life is a fucking disaster and I don’t want to live this anymore. I didn’t want to wake up today but here I am. Still trying. Depression: like a never ending pile of dirty dishes. 

Where do I go? 

What do I do?

Depression….

Fuck you!

More thoughts in poems: 

Depression

Like lead bullets poisoning my bloodstream

Going to the center of my brain

Corroding my mind vault

Letting loose these feelings I trapped away for so long

These thoughts slowly enveloping me

Until there’s nothing left

No me

Just this beast I call depression.

End.

Every day is a challenge for me right now. People don’t understand and most just look away, not really wanting to notice or be bothered by those that might be suffering. I can’t predict what will happen. Right now it’s just all so empty and dark. I’m below my basement today. It’s all just too much sometimes. Why do you think I take drugs. At least they give me some relief, an escape, albeit temporary. It’s better than none at all. 

Consumed by darkness

All fades to black

Light you can’t harness

The passion you lack

The soul that once burned

Now freezes in vain

The answers once yearned

Now provided by pain.

End.

Is there any hope out there to be had? I can use some help finding some. Mine is lost. The vortex. Temptress. Numb Helga please take me away.  

Double I. Alone. 

3.2.25