Life Has Been Kicking My Ass

 Struggling

Life has been kicking my ass lately in so many ways. Just when I think I’m catching a break, finding some space, some inner peace, it all goes away and here I am back in the darkness of hopelessness.

This week a young man in Dallas took his own life. He was a 24 year old second year player for the Dallas Cowboys. On Monday Night Football he recovered the ball in the end zone, scored his first NFL touchdown and 80,000 fans cheered wildly as he celebrated. Thursday evening after a police chase for a traffic violation, he took a gun and ended himself after calling his family to say goodbye.

This was extremely heartbreaking to read because I get it. I fully understand the dark places your depression mind can take you and the lies it can tell you. I’ve been living in that darkness with visits to the edge; I just haven’t taken the final leap, selected my final option.

To me, this young man’s tragic end to his life speaks volumes about the stigma of mental illness; how many suffer but few reach out to ask for help. Most people don’t get it because they haven’t experienced it themselves or just don’t see what’s going on inside someone with mental health struggles because outwardly it seems like all is great in their lives. The thing is, we get good at masking, pretending instead of sharing or reaching out for help. For many, the stigma of being seen as having mental health issues can be seem harder than reaching out. Instead it’s simply I’m fine. 

He seems to have had it all. He played football at a small college and he dreamed of being in the NFL. His hard work paid off when the Dallas Cowboys drafted him and he signed a contract for 7 million dollars. He was an active part of the team. He had a family and girlfriend that loved him and supported him. He had all his team mates and the entire Cowboys organization. He had plenty of money, seemingly living his dream, his best life. But today he is no longer alive. The stories and lies his brain told him overwhelmed him and he chose that final option. 

It’s hard for people to understand how the darkness of depression makes you unable to see or hear anything but the lies of the illness. It doesn’t matter how intelligent you are or if you’re a CEO, bus driver, or NFL player. You may intellectually understand but it still doesn’t matter. Sometimes being told how much we have to live for or how good our lives are just makes it worse. 

Sadly I don’t see the stigma of illness getting better in this current atmosphere of lack of care and concern for our fellow humans. It’s the same type of judgment many of us are subject to when we are given a health diagnosis like fibromyalgia or dysautonomia. I get not wanting that stigma, prepared to get the eye roll from the physicians, told it’s all in your head because they can’t seem to find anything else. So you give up and just stop asking, stop going to doctors. The darkness gets darker. See my recent post about chronic illness. 

Reaching out for mental health issues can be so difficult  and there is no guarantee that therapy will be helpful either. The mental health industry has it's good and bad. Unfortunately there are way to many "quick fixes and gold standards" that aren't actually helpful and can and does cause much harm to many. There are a ton of modalities out there and who knows what will actually help. Finding the right assistance for what you need can be very difficult; I am speaking from personal experience here.

This young mans death reminded me that for me and so many others who battle mental illness and depression that it doesn't matter how much money you have, how successful your career is, how much love and support you might have, it still might not be enough to let the light in when the darkness surrounds and overtakes you. 

Life has been kicking my ass lately. I feel so alone. I am so tired, so discouraged, and so very lost in my stories that I wonder if it's all slipping a way. For people with depression, life can be a daily battle simply to stay. 

24 years old. I hope he found the peace that all of us living in that darkness so desperately crave. RIP. 

11.8.25