Silence and The Changing of the Seasons

  Silence and The Changing of the Seasons

It’s been seven weeks 

It’s been seven weeks since I’ve written. This blog has been important to me, something that’s mine to utilize in anyway I’d like. To share, to work things through, to out myself and hold myself responsible, to brain dump, to just simply write words and stories floating around my brain. I write sometimes to just make sense of my reality that is sometimes so challenging it’s hard to believe. 

I have come here several times over the last weeks, but could never gather the words to actually write anything. It’s not that I’ve not had anything going on or a blank mind. Quite the contrary, my mind has been on overdrive and when it gets like that, with so many conversations going on, I tend to be scattered with my thoughts, not able to find a coherent complete story to write, instead I am wrapped up in many different things all happening at once. I refer to this as my hectic and chaotic brain mode. 

Outwardly I am silent. Even my private journals have snippets and sentences that are not related. A bunch of random thoughts that have to be processed and put together. This is where I've been and what I’ve been doing. 

Now to quote The Terminator…..I’m back……

The Changing of the Seasons

Growing up in a small town in the Midwest, Ohio, the changing of the seasons were easy to notice. Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter were always distinct in the scenery and the weather. Spring brought the renewal outdoors with the trees growing leaves, flowers started blooming, grass greening up. Summer with it full nature, warm weather and vacations. Fall with the beautiful colors of the changing trees preparing to shed it leaves for their yearly renewal, schools back in session, Halloween. Then comes Winter with the cold and snow, Thanksgiving and Christmas; a time for a sort of hibernation to rest and restore before starting the cycle of the seasons over. 

These are all part of what the changing of the seasons meant to me growing up. While I still think fondly of them , living in the desert Southwest for the past 44 years, I have come to know some different clues to know the changes are happening. We don’t have the typical change of landscape and weather like there is in the Midwest. 

Since it’s currently Fall I’m going start with Winter and end with Fall.

Winter is about cooler temperatures. I didn’t say cold because compared to so many other places, we don’t get that cold. Yes we do have days of freeze but very few and far between. In my 44 years of living here, I can count on two hands how many times it’s actually snowed here. Flowers bloom all winter and we joke that our winter shoes are adding socks to our flip flops. Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations can be held outdoors with only a few patio heaters. If you grew up in a snow state, late Fall and Winter are truly glorious as far as weather. We have many “snowbirds” who come here to live and enjoy during these months. 

Our annual rainfall is only 7 inches total. Florida can get 7 inches in a day so our normal is very dry. I don’t see the green foliage but instead I just pay attention to our desert plants. The saguaro and many other cactus start to bloom in the Spring. If we have had enough rain, the Palo Verde trees and desert ground plants green up. Winter rye grass starts to die off and the Bermuda will be planted and begin to take over and green up. Yes we have different grass if you want to have a green lawn all year! 

Summer brings the extreme heat, warms up the swimming pool, and reminds us how wonderful air conditioning is as we would have a difficult time surviving the summer without that cool relief. I do enjoy being in my pool outside but otherwise most of us seek out and stick to the cool places. For me I consider Summer to be official when I turn on my tap and the cold and hot are close to the same temperature, when I can enter my pool and my body doesn’t have a reaction as it feels like a nice warm bath. Summer also brings what we call the monsoons, which consist of dust storms called haboobs with wind and often rain. 

Fall is here now. I can feel the coolness in the air

Fall is here now- finally!. While there isn’t colorful changing leaves that drop from the trees, there are other clues that have become part of what I notice changing. My tap and hose water is back to being cold. I sit outside in the mornings and evenings and can feel coolness in the air, something that has eluded me for many months. 70 degree weather hadn’t been seen since early Spring. The last few days my AC did not turn on once. My cats are able to enjoy my front door being open. I do welcome the changes but also am grieving the end of my pool season as it is such a resource and support for my own well being; just something I’ll have figure out how to replace. My cats feel it too, enjoying the cool down, being playful and frisky, not worrying about the stifling heat any longer. We all can enjoy this welcome change that allows us more freedom being outside. 

If you’ve been reading or have read any of my other recent posts, you know I have been struggling with my mental health, with my internal system having a huge conflict and split. I have been working everyday to figure this out, to work thru and listen to my parts to find a way to move forward. 

I’m happy to say that there has been a shift. I’ve been able to reunite my system and create a little more internal peace, to be able to make movement. With that has come a bit more calm, feeling a bit more patience, more understanding and kindness towards myself and my parts. I haven’t been alone on this journey. So grateful for the steady support of my therapist. 

Within all that comes some glimmers and hope. I’ll take it. It’s been a very long time. I still have lots of work but I’ve never been afraid of that. That tells me I still haven’t given up.

No Kings Day yesterday was so inspiring to see so many millions worldwide to come together to speak out against, fascism, racism, bigotry, discrimination and hate. And that also gives me hope. I’ll take all I can get!

10.19. 25