Too Big

 Big

I’m still here, still struggling to figure things out. Lately life has seemed so big, too big. I made the mistake of allowing all of my parts to gather together to be seen. It was overwhelming. All I could see was how much I have going on that needs updating. It was way too much at once. No wonder I feel discouraged.

Imagine being overwhelmed by your own internal system. Mine is so large I just can’t take it all in at once. It’s not helpful. I could see my entire life all right there, the pain, the shame, the guilt, the grief, the losses, all my wounds and then all their friends, the parts trying to protect. 

I start to doubt everything. I don’t trust myself and I’ll look to change something- focus or direction- which is part of my avoidance that I’m so attached to. I’m also going places I’ve never been out loud. Just another reason to avoid. Being aware doesn’t always keep me on track. 

Keep it small. I need to listen to myself there. I know that my internal system is large but no need to have it all going on at once. Nothing will get accomplished if I try to take it all on. I say it again- Keep it small!

Still here. Still trying. I’ll take that today.

6.29.25

A Life Long Friend

 My Friend Water 💙🩵🤍

One thing I so enjoy about summer is that I get to spend so much more time in and around the water. Water has truly been a friend for me for many years now and still to this day provides so many different things for me. 

I grew up swimming. I took swimming lessons at the YMCA starting at age six. They had different levels to progress thru depending on your skills. There was a certain requirements to move into the next level. These levels were polliwog, guppy, minnow, fish shark and I got a patch for completing each. This also was the start of my competitive swimming.

I was on our local swim teams. In the Midwest we had winter team which was the indoor circuit and summer was the outdoor pools. My small town had the benefit of an endowment to build an Olympic sized public pool so I got to practice and compete in that pool as our home town pool. 

We had a pretty good team for the most part. Competition was amongst age groups. I swam the freestyle but my specialty was the butterfly, where broad shoulders served me well. Lots of good memories of the teams and fun we had together. I still have a box of my medals that I won over the years.

Swimming in the lakes and the streams and even creeks were a regular summer activity too. Wherever the wet stuff was, you were sure to find me and a few friends having fun in, on it and around it. Camping and fishing and swimming with my Dalmatian Emily are some more fond memories around water. I will save my ocean times for another post by simply saying Kauai Hawaii. Wow! 

Water now is a huge resource for my mental health. I feel so safe in the water. The way it’s warm and contains me and cools me off, lowers my fire level, when needed. I’ve talked about my love for isolation tank floats but the pool is a whole another animal for me. It’s been a little slow going for me and my pool time due to the skin issues, but it’s getting close to me being unlimited and I can’t wait.

It also assists my body so very much. The ability to support and actually free me from some restricted movement while on land can feel so liberating to my struggles. That breaking down of my body threatens my independence so I’m thankful that the pool helps me keep managing each day for now. 

My pool time is mornings and then usually not again until evening as our brutal heat has arrived. My little ferals hang out with me by the pool. It makes me smile that they feel comfortable enough to spend the time with me. It’s quite our routine now as I cool off some areas for them with water from my garden hose before heading into the pool. I love floating and watching the stars. 

Of course I’m not going to write about water without acknowledging how important it is for hydration, for life force. Our body is around 60% water and it plays a vital role. I must say that water is something I have always liked to drink and for many years now I rarely drink anything other than water. A good habit I created…one of a very few that has travelled this far with me. 

I will give myself a kudos for my overall relationship with water. It really has been a life long friend and ally to me and I look forward to enjoying it to the max these next few months.

I’m not great but I’m still trying. That’s all I can ask of myself today. 

6.18.25

Dark Night

When the darkness becomes simply the night,

I can see the stars breaking thru to

Twinkle and shine,

Smooth and silent I float,

Encircled by the wet and warm comfort of the water that holds me.

Reveling in the weightlessness and freedom provided to me by

An always struggling physical existence.

Acutely aware of the desire and need to

Catch my breath.

The ability to find my way thru the shit that tries to keep me trapped.

Is it good to be back? 

6.17.25

 

Monsters Inside

Monsters

My trauma is so loud right now I can’t hear much of anything else. Trapped inside. 

6.11.25

Monster Of Mine

 

Lost Hope

 Lost Hope

It’s Summer and it’s supposed to bring the light but it seems here I am back in the dark. Leonard Cohen famous quote “ there is a crack, a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” Seems my cracks have been sealed up for the time being.

I fight so hard most days to find that light, those glimmers that give me hope and keep me moving forward. And then just like that they’re gone for a while, unable to find anything in my dark. Thick and heavy, stuck in my own shit, it’s all come undone again. The endless cycle. Nothingness. 

When my body and my brain are malfunctioning at the same time, it’s hard to keep up with any type of maintenance when there’s little hope of resolution. Over and over. More. New. Will it ever end? Crawling because I don’t know what else to do. It hurts so much, losing everything you thought you had. 

Hopelessness and despair are big to carry, easy to overwhelm. The constant search for the light can exhaust even the strongest of souls. I used to ask others to hold hope for me. It was very powerful to know that when I couldn’t find any for myself, that someone else was out there still holding that hope for me. I don’t have that anymore. Let down and abandoned, I doubt I’ll ask again as I can’t seem to find any that want to hold on. I fear another rejection will push me over that edge and I’ll never come back. It’s the darkest when you’re alone but it’s safer this way. If I don’t care does it really matter? 

Today is hard. I’m trying to find some hope but I’m too tired to look. Maybe I can try again tomorrow. Maybe not. I just don’t know. 

Fucking depression. 

6.8.25

Lost

Where Did I Go? 

I wish I had an answer for that question but honestly I just don’t know. So many questions running through this brain of mine. Not just where am I but who am I?

I’m feeling so very lost about my life lately. It’s a strange place to be and I’m not sure why I’ve landed here in this space. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Do I even belong here?  Things have become so confusing for me and I have no idea what I will do next, what will happen, but it doesn’t feel good in any way. 

Empty. I feel such a void inside me, darkness, zero life force,  no reason to care as there is simply nothing in there. Am I really living on that edge of hopelessness as I don’t see how I will find anything to keep sustaining myself, my Self, my life. A Zombie, aimlessly wandering, all consuming yet still unknown. 

Oh dear Lola my depression, you can be so cruel and unrelenting. How do I possibly continue to carry on when I have no faith that anything will ever change. A vicious cycle of push and pull and narrow escapes from the reality that I keep finding the same answer; there is no answer. Just that darkness that fools me every time like self charades, a game with no possible winners, rigged for loss. 

Currently I seem to be wandering endlessly because I don’t see the light. So much I desperately want to find but know I never will when I search from despair. I’m blinded by my own Self, searching for parts unknown, can’t see to get out of my own way. 

That’s just it….I don’t know! Please help me see. Help me feel. Help me know. It’s almost self torture at this point. Self defeating for certain. Sabotaging Self is something I’m very good at. Will I ever find what I’m looking for? Doubtful since I have no clue what that is. 

I must be asking too much. Just like every other day of my life. Nothing is inevitable. Still not comfortable in my own skin. The itch continues. Feeling sucks. So tired. 

Highs, lows, and not much else in between. Life with no joy is death walking. I can’t find a way out. Please send a key. 

6.7.25

Trapped in a time

Within the depths of my mind

Should I let go?

I just don’t know. 

It’s so painful being here.

This is Blog Post #150 🥳

#150 

Self- Reflection with my Cats

This is post #150 for me. I never imagined how this blog would become important for me and my journey. It started out as a place to share my experience with cancer and now has become whatever I need it to be for mySelf. I hope you find something useful here. Thanks for reading.

For my 150th post I would like to share my reflections comparing and contrasting myself to each of my current fur kids. It has been said that you come together with your pets because they manifest qualities about yourself that we may love or just want. I thought I'd try to test that theory.

Please know I fully understand what personification and anthropomorphism is. I respect everyone's right to communicate and believe whatever they want with and about their animal friends, their pets.

I currently have 6 house cats. I often say I only have 5 and one foster but it’s time to acknowledge that he's no longer a foster and not going anywhere so reality is I have 6 cats that live with me and all are spayed and neuters. No pet gonads at my house! Let's meet my gang and how I relate to them. I have 3 girls and 3 boys. I have a set of triplets. 

The Girls

First up is Itty Bitty Kitty. Nickname Bitty Bits. She's black and white around 13 years old. Her face reminds me of Batman in some ways. She was a feral that showed up at my house as a tiny kitten. I witnessed her being grabbed and shaken by a neighborhood dog and was able to get her loose. After that I provided a shelter for her and made sure she was safe and able to heal. I couldn't bring her into my house because of my dogs at the time. She became somewhat friendly and 2 years later she showed up limping badly. I thought she had a broken leg so I trapped her and took her to the vet. Luckily it was just an abscess and she became an inside cat from them on, never any issues with her integrating. 

Itty Bitty summary: Former feral, survived, found an opportunity, reformed, living the good life now, first in line for meals, first to claim a spot on my bed, and the loudest purr of them all 

Me: Definitely a wild child, survivor of much, made my opportunities after cleaning my act up, have tasted some of the good life. 

Next is Baye Baye. Nickname Bay of the Way. She's a Siamese with a grumpy face. She's one of the triplets that were born in my back yard to a feral mother. The litter was about 4 weeks when I brought them in to socialize them. She was a very tiny thing and our first encounter was when I picked her up she hissed and spit so much I just had to laugh. That was the start of our relationship. 

Baye Baye summary: Vocal, bitchy, a real nag, not liked by many in the house, can be sweet and loyal, and claims to be misunderstood.

Me: Vocal when needed, can be bitchy(we all have bitch mode) but take the time to get to know me and I'm a very kind and loyal friend, often misunderstood. 

Last of the girls is Sassy. Nickname Sassy McFrassy. The runt of the triplets. She's a pretty gray tabby who has many unique qualities. She has this habit of picking things up and moving them around the house. I often find things in my bed. Some of her favorite items to move are an old dog leash she discovered and a old furry toy. The oddest item I found in my bedroom was a small bag of little potatoes she found in the kitchen. Made me smile.  

Sassy summary: Quirky, odd, and weird. She's a favorite of the boys but she takes no shit. Hit and miss with her sisters. she's generous with bringing me gifts!

Me: Quirky, odd, and weird. Doesn't take too much shit. I learned from early abuse how to use sex to manipulate the boys.

The Boys

Tommy. Nickname: Tom the Bomb or Tommy Obama. He is the foster who isn't going anywhere. Tom showed up in my yard as a small kitten, dragging his back legs seemingly paralyzed. I don't how he got in as my yard is fully fenced and he couldn't jump. No matter I took him in and got him vetted. It turned out he had a spinal infection that was causing the loss of his back legs. A retired friend of mine offered to adopt him as he needed more care than i could give as I was working at that time. So I thought he had a great home and future life. She treated the infection, and did PT for him and and he regained full function of his body. Then I got a call one day if I didn’t come get the cat he was going to the pound. Why? What happened? He was a young energetic cat who just wanted attention and would cause her to fall. I was so sad for him but I wasn't going to let him go to the pound after all he had been thru. After a year in a home of his own, Tom came back to me and as much as I tried I never found a different home so he's a part of our family now. 

Tommy summary: Big boy, clutzy for a cat, rough, he means well but his approach of zero boundaries can be annoying. He loves to stretch out back to back with me in bed (nice winter heater), BFF is Willy Wils. 

Me: I can be perceived as rough due to walls I have constructed. I have worked hard to respect other's boundaries, but as a teacher I sometimes need to push a student a bit out of their comfort zone to enable them to learn. Seems to be effective done gently. Now if I only could apply the same skill to mySelf.

Willy Wils. Nickname: Silly Willy or My Gingy Boy. Wils came from a parking lot. There was a young man giving away this kitten and on a whim I took him. A few months earlier I had lost a litter ginger boy named Cheddar to FIP. It was heartbreaking as Cheddar was such a cuddly sweet kitten who would sleep under the covers with me. So when I saw a ginger kitten I couldn't help myself. Not replacing Cheddar but just wanted that ginger vibe back in my house. 

Willy Wils summary: Sweet, mischievous, Ginger boy. He gets along with everyone. He looks up to his big brother Luigi, plays hard with his BFF Tommy, adores Sassy, and loves to give Baye Baye a hard time. He can even get old lady Bitty to play with him. He insists on smelling and or tasting everything I eat. His food obsession is unlike any cat I've ever seen as he likes everything from pizza to Poptarts. He will appear from a dead sleep when he knows food is around.  

Me: I'm envious of his ability to get along with all the different personalities in our house. The different approaches he uses for each relationship are something I enjoy watching. He's such a pleasant energy to be around and him being a cat foodie makes me chuckle for sure. I share most of the time! We have a special agreement with yogurt as it's one of his favorites and during my cancer recovery that sharing was our private time together. 

Last but certainly not least is Luigi. Nickname is Weege or Luigi Winky Woo or Bubba. He's a handsome gray cat that could pass as a Russian Blue.  He is the third triplet and also the ruler of the house. He puts them all in their place when needed and he is respected by the rest. Tom tries challenge for position on occasion but not successfully yet. He's a big boy these days, looks somewhat like a Buddha (see picture below). He's a mamas boy, quiet and super sensitive. I often observe him for clues on my energy. He's also the official guard cat and door bell as when someone comes up our side walk he will growl and runaway. 

Luigi summary: Big, quiet, sensitive, mamas boy. Keeps everyone in line and is a gauge of how things are going in our household, what kind of energy is around. 

Me: I am smitten with this big sensitive boy. They say you shouldn't have favorites but I will admit I do. I can relate to his sensitivity and we push each other beyond comfort at times with our antics towards each other. There's just something unique and indescribable about our bond.

So many different reflections I can find when I watch my kitties living their life. Myself, Self, my parts- so many different things I see in my kitties. I've had many pets over the years which I hope to share more about in the future It's so interesting to watch and reflect on their behaviors with each other and with me. 

 Cats are unique in how good they are at reading energy. Dogs are masters of body language but cats feel you and what you're putting out. You can’t hide it from them. Maybe they can help me with embodiment and felt sense that I struggle so much with. Hmmmmmm.....interesting thought to ponder.

Happy 150th Post to Me! I will take this as a win today. I'm still not in my best health but happy to share something personal and fun. I hope you enjoyed meeting my gang!

Please be safe out there!

Happy Pride 🏳️‍🌈

Some additional pictures for your enjoyment!

To Bee or Not to Bee

To Bee Or Not to Bee

 This is how I’ve spent my last 6 days. Itchy, scratchy, painfully miserable. I have been in a full body break out rash. When I say full body I mean no part of me on the outside was unaffected- eyelids, fingers, feet, you name it and there was a rash. I was completely covered. There’s been no escape from it. 

This all started when I apparently stirred up some bees while raking some leaves up in my yard. Before I knew it at least a dozen were on me and attacking. My choice was to jump in my pool which luckily isn’t too cold this time of year as it’s swim season. I know they tell you that’s not a good strategy but I am unable to run so way I could out run them. I found 4 drowned in the pool and I had wait and keep swatting as I’d surface for air but they eventually all were gone. 

My stings were all on my back. I know I had at least 5 attack and sting but what happened to me next was so unexpected. A few hours after the attack I started breaking out in a rash. I wasn’t too concerned but it kept getting worse.

By Thursday I could barely stand it. I talked with my PCP who called in some meds. When I woke up Friday it’s was at its worst. I tried everything I could think of to find some relief but it was a huge challenge. Battling with depression and trauma doesn’t give much space for added ailments but like every other shitty thing that happens to me, I just have to deal with it as my only true option to rid myself of it all is to die.

This my actual arm and leg on Thursday. It got worse Friday and Saturday. Today I’m happy to report that the rash is less angry and my skin is peeling en mass. I’m hopeful that it’s headed in the direction of healing and not resetting for another go around. I’m already on the edge. 

In IFS they say there’s no bad parts. I like to call them challenging and not so challenging. This is definitely extra. I believe strongly and understand the mind/body connection. I’m quite sure that my current mental health challenges are involved with the severity of some of my health issues. Am I causing these issues? I don’t believe I am creating but I do know my mental status can be very unhelpful during any of my episodes of unwellness and can make them more intense. 

The best I can say about this histamine attack is it kept my mind in a different space but this definitely isn’t helpful to restore my connections with my body. Having to deal with the effects of such a large amount of histamine being released is something I don’t wish on anyone. 

Just another fucked up thing to add to my story. Like I really needed this one. Trying to find something to be thankful for today that I can believe so here it is:

I’m thankful for the beautiful cloudy rainy day we are having here today. The lower temperatures  make my skin a tiny bit happier. I’ll take it. A 1% improvement is always better than zero! 

What else is this old woman to do? Dr. Donna and Numb Helga making a house call tonight! 

Hanging in and holding on. Be safe out there.

Me, mySelf and I

6.1.25