Lost

Where Did I Go? 

I wish I had an answer for that question but honestly I just don’t know. So many questions running through this brain of mine. Not just where am I but who am I?

I’m feeling so very lost about my life lately. It’s a strange place to be and I’m not sure why I’ve landed here in this space. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Do I even belong here?  Things have become so confusing for me and I have no idea what I will do next, what will happen, but it doesn’t feel good in any way. 

Empty. I feel such a void inside me, darkness, zero life force,  no reason to care as there is simply nothing in there. Am I really living on that edge of hopelessness as I don’t see how I will find anything to keep sustaining myself, my Self, my life. A Zombie, aimlessly wandering, all consuming yet still unknown. 

Oh dear Lola my depression, you can be so cruel and unrelenting. How do I possibly continue to carry on when I have no faith that anything will ever change. A vicious cycle of push and pull and narrow escapes from the reality that I keep finding the same answer; there is no answer. Just that darkness that fools me every time like self charades, a game with no possible winners, rigged for loss. 

Currently I seem to be wandering endlessly because I don’t see the light. So much I desperately want to find but know I never will when I search from despair. I’m blinded by my own Self, searching for parts unknown, can’t see to get out of my own way. 

That’s just it….I don’t know! Please help me see. Help me feel. Help me know. It’s almost self torture at this point. Self defeating for certain. Sabotaging Self is something I’m very good at. Will I ever find what I’m looking for? Doubtful since I have no clue what that is. 

I must be asking too much. Just like every other day of my life. Nothing is inevitable. Still not comfortable in my own skin. The itch continues. Feeling sucks. So tired. 

Highs, lows, and not much else in between. Life with no joy is death walking. I can’t find a way out. Please send a key. 

6.7.25

Trapped in a time

Within the depths of my mind

Should I let go?

I just don’t know. 

It’s so painful being here.