Lost Hope

 Lost Hope

It’s Summer and it’s supposed to bring the light but it seems here I am back in the dark. Leonard Cohen famous quote “ there is a crack, a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” Seems my cracks have been sealed up for the time being.

I fight so hard most days to find that light, those glimmers that give me hope and keep me moving forward. And then just like that they’re gone for a while, unable to find anything in my dark. Thick and heavy, stuck in my own shit, it’s all come undone again. The endless cycle. Nothingness. 

When my body and my brain are malfunctioning at the same time, it’s hard to keep up with any type of maintenance when there’s little hope of resolution. Over and over. More. New. Will it ever end? Crawling because I don’t know what else to do. It hurts so much, losing everything you thought you had. 

Hopelessness and despair are big to carry, easy to overwhelm. The constant search for the light can exhaust even the strongest of souls. I used to ask others to hold hope for me. It was very powerful to know that when I couldn’t find any for myself, that someone else was out there still holding that hope for me. I don’t have that anymore. Let down and abandoned, I doubt I’ll ask again as I can’t seem to find any that want to hold on. I fear another rejection will push me over that edge and I’ll never come back. It’s the darkest when you’re alone but it’s safer this way. If I don’t care does it really matter? 

Today is hard. I’m trying to find some hope but I’m too tired to look. Maybe I can try again tomorrow. Maybe not. I just don’t know. 

Fucking depression. 

6.8.25