Finding My Way Back to the Light
This year, 2025, hasn’t been my best. That’s an understatement for certain. Recently I spent some time reading past entries here on my blog and my many journals. I find it a good thing to revisit from time to time, to see where I’ve been, where I went, and where I am currently. Awareness of my Self and my patterns can be so helpful when trying to make changes or updates in my system.I have to say I really was surprised at what I read and I’m glad to be here writing this today. It’s been super dark in my world the past few months. The depths that I visited were in many ways terrifying but at the time I had no concept of just how far into the darkness I had fallen. So close to death.
Drowning in my depression is the name of the above picture. Such a great visual and the title fits so perfectly to how I feel at times. The stories and lies that depression tells; it’s hard to sort through what’s real and what’s not when I’m in a low cycle. This time hit me particularly hard. Honestly there were moments when I questioned whether I’d make it especially since I was totally alone after being so let down and abandoned by my therapists. Pain is when you know no one is coming and you only have yourself. My Self is very tired but thankfully Soul Survivor, that part of me that will me to live when nothing else can; that finds just enough to make it to the next minute, the next hour, the next day, and today.
While I don’t want to question or throttle that survival part of me, I have been asking myself what has helped me especially this year, this fucked up challenging year like no other that I’m having. I think I found part of the answer in what I call glimmers.
Glimmers….glimmers are described as micro moments of regulation that fosters feelings of well being (term coined by Deb Dana, who works with Polyvagal Theory Stephen Porges). To put it simply these are tiny moments in your day that bring you joy.
I first heard of glimmers while reading about attachment styles and theory. It was one of those things where I was really drawn to the word and explanation so I filed it away in my busy brain thinking this might be something useful in the future.
They started showing up in my life as things that could break thru that darkness, that crushing weight of nothingness, the lies of Lola and Worthless, Cinder and Vanessa, Denise, Sloven and Lydia. Who are these characters? They are my critics. Parts of me that are “protecting” me. They are my shadows and they can be loud and relentless in their pursuit of keeping me trapped in the depths, blocking the light to any path or escape from the deception and lies of depression and what it attracts. Prisoner. Imprisoned. Self prison. Death
Being in therapy the last few years has given me a great deal of knowledge and awareness. It has enabled me to learn and create tools and coping strategies to help me combat this darkness that can, at its worst, totally overtake and suppress any normal thoughts. It’s hard to live with it at times as it can challenge me in ways I never thought possible. But I’ve found my way back once again.
Our brains focus on the negative. That’s an absolute fact. I know I do it. I could do 100 things and 99 be great and I’ll only focus on the one that was less than. Knowing this has helped me become more aware of ruminating or getting stuck in those dark spots and to try to take action to help. That’s where those glimmers come in.
Finding and/or creating safety for my Self is something I work on most days. When I’m in a low depressive state this is where I go to all the somatic type grounding tools. Things like orienting to the surroundings, saying things out loud, holding myself, water, and moving locations are some ways to break that rumination and stickiness of my thoughts, black and white thinking, cognitive distortions, automatic negative thoughts, all those things you learn about in therapy about how your brain can fool you.
Once I started seeing how these things can help bring me back, to create less suffering, I realized I could take it one step further when I started seeing glimmers. Instead of just breaking the pattern, once I'm out of it I can actually add something good, even some joy for the moment.
Glimmers are all around if you’re looking. They are just moments in our everyday life that go unnoticed because we rarely stop long enough to see them let alone enjoy them. I wrote of a wonderful glimmer I found and enjoyed the other day…the box.
What I hadn’t really thought about is how all my glimmers(and my writing) have helped me find some of that color again, to find space to breathe without that crushing weight, to pull out of the darkness that had such a grasp. Why do glimmers help? It all adds up. Even micro moments of letting joy in, smiling, enjoying whatever that is. My nervous system remembers. Neuroplasticity is rewiring my brain. It notices and feels each of those moments I am creating and remembers how this felt so safe. Micro moments accumulate to create bigger; similar to a leaking faucet, it will eventually fill up the bucket as it continues to drip.
So my buckets are filling, one glimmer at a time. As I take them in I try to find more each day to replace the emptiness and hopeless that come with depression. As with anything, I have to keep reminding myself to look for those moments, those glimmers.
Some of my favorites are enjoying a lap purr party with one of my cats, rainbows, watching the hummingbirds play around my feeders, sunset or sunrise, the smell of fresh rain, holding a favorite crystal, eating a good piece of pepperoni pizza, crafting a Sigil, the smell of bread baking while driving by a big bakery in town, a clerk who remembers my name, the WTForecast weather app(try it, you'll laugh!), choosing what Zox I will wear for the day (https://zox.co/), cloud watching, hot chocolate, the smell of favorite essential oils, birds singing, candle magic, finding constellation and meteorites in the night sky, and listening to classic rock with headphones and my Woojer vest.
My list could go on because I have been using glimmers for awhile to help myself, my Self. I didn't realize how much they have been adding up and I will give them their due credit for assisting in my survival this year. Some are more than micro-moments for me now. Glimmers are the opposite of triggers and the much preferred response for me! Feel a trigger, seek a glimmer.
So are you ready to try adding glimmers into your life? From Deb Dana's website:
This Basic Glimmer Practice helps you learn to notice and name glimmer moments, to stop and feel the spark of joy a glimmer brings.
See: What are the cues that you have found a glimmer? What happens in your body that lets you know you are in a glimmer moment? What do you do when you feel that spark of energy? What thoughts arise? What emotions do you feel?
Stop: Now that you know the cues, use them to notice glimmers as you move through your day. Glimmers happen regularly, but because they are micro-moments, you need to be on the look out for them. Look for predictable glimmer moments in specific places, with particular people, at certain times. Find the ways glimmers routinely appear. Be open to the unpredictable glimmers that may also appear. When you recognize one of the cues you identified, stop and find the glimmer.
Appreciate: Create an easy way to acknowledge a glimmer as it happens. You might repeat a simple phrase or make a small movement like hand on your heart or a finger pointing towards the glimmer, each time you find a glimmer. Notice all the different feelings your glimmers bring. Spend several seconds in appreciation letting the glimmer land in your system.
Remember: Find ways to keep track of your glimmers. Experiment with ways to build your collection and create a personal glimmer library.
Share: When you share your glimmers with someone else, they come alive again in the remembering and retelling. You might text your glimmers to a friend or make talking about glimmers a daily ritual. You could find a glimmer buddy or create a glimmer group.
The darkness of depression brought me to my knees and almost won. But I'm here and still fighting. Any little light in the darkness helps. They can light the way to a different path and fill the voids with joy that has been absent for so long.
None of this is easy. It’s been a really hard period of my life this year but I will continue fighting. I will continue my writing. I will keep finding my glimmers. They give me hope. Without hope I’m back in the dark. I hope you will find some too.
5.20.25
