Fear, Doubt, Trust, and WTF

Fear, Doubt, Trust and WTF

I had a crisis of WTF last night as in What the fuck am I doing? Doubt trickled in and fear grabbed ahold and now I’m feeling the desire to run away and just go back to imprisoning myself, my Self, to keep it all away by silencing.

Doubt: to call into question the truth, to be uncertain of, to lack confidence, to consider unlikely, an inclination to not believe or accept. 

Yes all of the above. Fucking trauma brain and depression. I’m questioning myself here- parts in disarray, a little internal disagreement. l'm feeling very insecure in my choices and wondering what’s wrong with my communication skills. I only speak one language, but lately I wonder what exactly is coming out of my mouth as the feedback doesn’t seem to match my words. So what did I really say? Is my mind so full of fog that my words don't match my meaning?

Something amiss. So confused. Am I going too fast, pushing too hard, or truly just don’t know what I’m doing? Zero confidence currently and trying to figure out why. What changed? I’m not sure but I’m going to do my best to continue to comprehend the roadblock

Fear. Those monsters inside of me scare the shit right out of me. Not going to lie. They all want me to die. I am afraid that they will scare everyone away. They are very loud. They are very strong. They are very powerful. I don't currently have the capacity to keep them from destroying me. That's why I don't let them out often. I need help and I will freely admit it; they know it. That can be very problematic.

Things had felt lighter lately which was easy to notice by the tone of my writing not just here but also in my journals and thoughts in my mind. Of course it's been great having some support and safety and co-regulation. But now what is happening? Why am I feeling the desire to pull back, to hide, to quit asking for help?

I don't have those answers yet. I'm still sitting with this and it's always helpful to write it out. In some ways I am worried that I will confront my monsters, my shadows and then be left alone again to deal with them. That terrifies me as they see my vulnerability as they look for the ways in to hurt. 

Self-sabotage...that's something I will explore in the coming days as it's a recognized behavior, a part I call Demon Denise who tries to ruin things in the name of avoidance. I don't want to run I don't want to hide but its all I know because failure and then pain is what I usually find when I don't. 

I hear my Self saying patience. They say it’s a virtue but that's not a quality I've mastered yet, at least not for myself. I have a lot of patience when out in public as I realize it's the only peaceful way for me. Inside my mind is a totally different reality. Waiting is hard. Going slow is just as hard. Neither is optional.

So what exactly am I doubting and not trusting? Right this moment my answer is most everything as I'm back wondering about it all. Grief still very prevalent. Being vulnerable is hard and we don't like it much. Scared of the known and unknown. 

Still trying to figure this out, what is really going on today and what am I so afraid of? Retreating and locking my doors has never been the answer but still a common strategy in my world of avoidance. Looking closer, going deeper, being totally honest, being naked in the true sense of the phrase the naked truth. Hoping to locate whatever, whoever this is. Come out come out wherever you are. 

Trying to stay out of the basement this weekend. It seems I have fallen down the steps again. Picking up my pieces of my shattered heart, my fractured life. 

2.23.25