Skullduggery

Skullduggery 

Pinball was all the rage in my teens and 20s and it was something I really enjoyed. I was pretty good at it back in my day and one of my favorite machines was called Skullduggery. It had lots of fun sounds and voices and challenges. I also just liked the word skullduggery.

According to Miriam Webster dictionary, skullduggery means underhanded or unscrupulous behavior. It’s interesting but understandable that this word is coming up for me now. How can I not question everything that happened this past 3 years? How will I ever know if anything was what I thought it was when all I get is silence? 

The past three weeks has been really like no other. When your world becomes small like mine has, the losses become massive. This has been so unexpected and has affected me like nothing else I have gone through. It’s been very debilitating and discouraging as I don’t know how I will ever find my way back to any light. 

I been mostly in bed because I don’t what else to do, where else to go. My brain needs some relief from the constant voices, the unknown, being ghosted and truly abandoned with such a lack of care or concern. It’s difficult to be left wondering about so many things with the biggest question- was any of it real? Was I just another player piece of the game of life you crafted for yourself, to feed your ego and your family, without regard for the consequences that I now get to pay? Did you ever care about me? This feels nothing like caring but maybe I don’t know what that is anymore either! 

I’m very fucked up over this. It’s rocked my world in ways I’m just beginning to realize. It’s so confusing and overwhelming. I am questioning everything. I feel so stupid- how could I be so foolish to believe? How will I ever make sense when I get nothing to make sense of but sitting here alone with the pain of what was taken from me? Why would I ever want to put myself through any of this again when my results have only hurt me? I don’t know how to help myself but it’s a conundrum to even want to trust anyone again. I can’t even trust myself. How do I move forward?

I don’t have answers and I don’t know where I’m going to find any. The encyclopedia in my brain has been altered to such a degree that it’s no longer a place of truths. It’s kind of like Wikipedia; started out with good info but now diluted by others. Just a bunch of bullshit that doesn’t make sense any more. Is anyone out there with any kind of words for me today?  

I have always had a strong survival part but she’s tired. She wonders why are we continuing the fight. I never find answers. It just seems I continue to collect pain and hurt along my path. How can I not think this is my message, that pain is my destiny and what I deserve. I have tried so hard to help myself but when I’ve asked others what have I gotten? More fucking pain.

People suck in my world but I don’t want to live alone. Why get up everyday just to struggle? I feel like such a misfit in this world. Quazar is my part that never feels like we have ever fit in anywhere in this life. How could I? I’m always different than everyone else. Those differences are never celebrated but instead hidden in my attempt to belong. 

I have been told that I deserve good things just because I exist. I don’t believe that for one minute. There is nothing in this world we don’t have to earn- in some way we pay for everything. All the focus on self- care and boundaries are great but they should never be at the expense of others. Intention has so much to do with it. Are you self preserving or self centered? 

How will I find my way even if it’s just to something different? I have no clue. It’s not good being me right now. Simply existing day to day is not any kind of life I want to sustain. Joy has been absent for so long now. Hope is fleeting. Self compassion is non existent. I’m not sure how much longer my Soul Survivor will keep sustaining me on my journey. Do I even care anymore? If I don’t, does any of this really matter? 

Is there anyone out there? Today, a nod would do. When I reach out, no one reaches back. Alone. Me, myself, and I. Can Helga come out to play? Take me away from my reality. I’ve had enough for today

Double I

2.28.25

Quazar