Shattered

Shattered

I don’t know how to begin to pick up the pieces of what’s happened. It’s so massive. After I figure that out I need to try to figure out how to put them back together. It’s a huge undertaking and I know I can’t do it alone. Cases of bandaids won’t come close. I’m afraid of what I won't be able to get back

Why are relationships so complicated? Why does it have to hurt so much. I find myself often saying I don’t care. In some cases that’s true. I do find it difficult to care about myself in all ways that I need to. I’m thinking that my real issue is I actually care too much. I have focused all my energy on caring for and about others and have not filled my own heart needs for far too long. It’s empty and rusty, still here taking a beating. I care so much for others but when I try to care for myself with others, my outcome seems to always be pain. 

I wonder how I just don’t accept this as my destiny- to live life alone and unsupported. It happens to me over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…you get the point.

People Equal Pain. PEP.

As I sit here thinking about just how many different things in my life this has affected, how enormous it all is for me, I shed more tears. While I’m thankful for these real feelings dripping from the corners of my eyes, I will ask did I really need a lesson this hard to make them flow? That’s always been my way…the hard fucking way. 

This heart of mine is still leaking. I’m doing all I can. But it’s just plain hard. Trying my best to keep all my pieces and parts contained until we can figure it out. Broken trust. Hurting. 

2.11.25