Exhausted

Exhausted

Today I have a new understanding of the definition of exhaustion. My energy is so low it’s almost nonexistent. My dysautonomia episodes take a lot out of me but today is a whole new level. 

I’ve had chronic pain issues for 20 years. Both knees and one hip have been replaced with the other hip due soon. My back is a mess with multiple levels of discs and stenosis. My hands and shoulders have issues. I haven’t been able to walk unassisted for 5 years now. Having so much osteoarthritis for so long has given me the ability to manage much pain daily. It wasn’t really a choice so I put the work in to make life as comfortable as possible. 

So many people have the wrong idea about mind body connection and pain. It’s easy to say it’s all in your head which is true but that doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real. There are still physical reasons for the pain- they aren’t made up or all in your mind- but can control how you are translating those pain signals. Pain signal manager. It’s something I’ve become very good at.

The biggest issue for me is not as much about managing my pain anymore but managing my energy as pain runs on a large band width. As I get older the amount of energy I start with decreases, causing that ripple effect, forcing choices that aren’t always optimal. I have had to realize the value of rest and become aware of my changing needs. 

The pain of the last few weeks has come from my body, my mind, and deep into my soul. Such a sharp wound, so unexpected, still so open and raw. Bleeding tears, wailing from my depths, waves of shocks, lost and confused. It has taken so much. 

Today is extra hard. Every cell in me is tired. I won’t be getting out of bed unless necessary. I won’t be brushing my hair or teeth or changing out of my PJs. I hope I can get enough nutrition and drink enough water. I have no idea how I will sustain and recover. The problem with depression is it lets very little motivation in. It’s getting harder and harder to pick myself up everyday. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. Things pile up. 

That’s the scariest thought. I’ve only ever really had myself. What happens when my body gives up or my mind quits? There is nobody else coming for me….

So many questions. No energy to find answers. Not sure there are any….

Double I: Isolated and Invisible

Alone in the dark

2.26.25