Endings
New Years Eve. Last day of the year. Can’t say I’m sad to see 2024 end. Yesterday my therapy ended. I’m still having a difficult time wrapping my head around how I got here. We spent time making sure this wouldn’t be happening while she’s on maternity leave. The reality is I’m officially alone until she comes back. I know she won’t be happy to hear this has happened.
I simply can’t understand how someone could fuck with me in this space of mental health. It’s so messed up. I really need the support I get from therapy, right now more than ever. I’m struggling and this is a hard time to lose access. I’m sad and also very mad about being treated like this. The hardest part for me is this had nothing to do with the therapist. I know we both are upset. Reality. Acceptance. No other real options.
Even though I recognize these thoughts are not necessarily true, I am going through an entire spectrum from feeling dumped and abandoned, to everyone in my life leaves me, all the way to broken, unhealable and worthless so what’s the point. My family system can be so cruel to me. The Squad in full effect. It’s hard to fight with them all right now in my current weakened state.
I have considered being in therapy as much needed self care the last few years. Now I don’t know. I might be done. I don’t want to continue being hurt in these spaces I visit for help. That seems to be a theme lately, hurting more than helping. This includes groups, workshops, and all the other places I have been going for support. Lots to think about. I always try to keep my promise to myself about not making permanent decisions when I’m in such a fucked up head space or under the influence. Just one of many harm reduction things I have in place for myself. This will be no different. I have no deadline, no time limit.
I’m still very depleted physically and today spent mentally as I think of going forward on my own. Rest. Nutrition. Hydration. Can I count that as 3 self care items? I’m going to give myself some much needed credit as I continue to replenish. I think I can manage a shower today.
It’s daunting for me right now as I think of what’s ahead. It will be a most difficult challenge to hold myself up, to care enough, to just manage every moment upcoming. I will need to use every available tool, method, substance, resource, or whatever I’ve learned if I’m going to have a chance for myself. I’m not very confident but this hasn’t been the best week for building much up in myself.
Isolation begins. What will it mean? A beginning, an end, or just a waste. More struggles and hardship. I have no answers. Just many thoughts. So many thoughts. I’ll try to keep sharing.
Sitting with it all in the early morning on this last day of 2024.
12.31.24
No comments:
Post a Comment