Too Big

 Big

I’m still here, still struggling to figure things out. Lately life has seemed so big, too big. I made the mistake of allowing all of my parts to gather together to be seen. It was overwhelming. All I could see was how much I have going on that needs updating. It was way too much at once. No wonder I feel discouraged.

Imagine being overwhelmed by your own internal system. Mine is so large I just can’t take it all in at once. It’s not helpful. I could see my entire life all right there, the pain, the shame, the guilt, the grief, the losses, all my wounds and then all their friends, the parts trying to protect. 

I start to doubt everything. I don’t trust myself and I’ll look to change something- focus or direction- which is part of my avoidance that I’m so attached to. I’m also going places I’ve never been out loud. Just another reason to avoid. Being aware doesn’t always keep me on track. 

Keep it small. I need to listen to myself there. I know that my internal system is large but no need to have it all going on at once. Nothing will get accomplished if I try to take it all on. I say it again- Keep it small!

Still here. Still trying. I’ll take that today.

6.29.25

A Life Long Friend

 My Friend Water 💙🩵🤍

One thing I so enjoy about summer is that I get to spend so much more time in and around the water. Water has truly been a friend for me for many years now and still to this day provides so many different things for me. 

I grew up swimming. I took swimming lessons at the YMCA starting at age six. They had different levels to progress thru depending on your skills. There was a certain requirements to move into the next level. These levels were polliwog, guppy, minnow, fish shark and I got a patch for completing each. This also was the start of my competitive swimming.

I was on our local swim teams. In the Midwest we had winter team which was the indoor circuit and summer was the outdoor pools. My small town had the benefit of an endowment to build an Olympic sized public pool so I got to practice and compete in that pool as our home town pool. 

We had a pretty good team for the most part. Competition was amongst age groups. I swam the freestyle but my specialty was the butterfly, where broad shoulders served me well. Lots of good memories of the teams and fun we had together. I still have a box of my medals that I won over the years.

Swimming in the lakes and the streams and even creeks were a regular summer activity too. Wherever the wet stuff was, you were sure to find me and a few friends having fun in, on it and around it. Camping and fishing and swimming with my Dalmatian Emily are some more fond memories around water. I will save my ocean times for another post by simply saying Kauai Hawaii. Wow! 

Water now is a huge resource for my mental health. I feel so safe in the water. The way it’s warm and contains me and cools me off, lowers my fire level, when needed. I’ve talked about my love for isolation tank floats but the pool is a whole another animal for me. It’s been a little slow going for me and my pool time due to the skin issues, but it’s getting close to me being unlimited and I can’t wait.

It also assists my body so very much. The ability to support and actually free me from some restricted movement while on land can feel so liberating to my struggles. That breaking down of my body threatens my independence so I’m thankful that the pool helps me keep managing each day for now. 

My pool time is mornings and then usually not again until evening as our brutal heat has arrived. My little ferals hang out with me by the pool. It makes me smile that they feel comfortable enough to spend the time with me. It’s quite our routine now as I cool off some areas for them with water from my garden hose before heading into the pool. I love floating and watching the stars. 

Of course I’m not going to write about water without acknowledging how important it is for hydration, for life force. Our body is around 60% water and it plays a vital role. I must say that water is something I have always liked to drink and for many years now I rarely drink anything other than water. A good habit I created…one of a very few that has travelled this far with me. 

I will give myself a kudos for my overall relationship with water. It really has been a life long friend and ally to me and I look forward to enjoying it to the max these next few months.

I’m not great but I’m still trying. That’s all I can ask of myself today. 

6.18.25

Dark Night

When the darkness becomes simply the night,

I can see the stars breaking thru to

Twinkle and shine,

Smooth and silent I float,

Encircled by the wet and warm comfort of the water that holds me.

Reveling in the weightlessness and freedom provided to me by

An always struggling physical existence.

Acutely aware of the desire and need to

Catch my breath.

The ability to find my way thru the shit that tries to keep me trapped.

Is it good to be back? 

6.17.25

 

Monsters Inside

Monsters

My trauma is so loud right now I can’t hear much of anything else. Trapped inside. 

6.11.25

Monster Of Mine

 

Lost Hope

 Lost Hope

It’s Summer and it’s supposed to bring the light but it seems here I am back in the dark. Leonard Cohen famous quote “ there is a crack, a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” Seems my cracks have been sealed up for the time being.

I fight so hard most days to find that light, those glimmers that give me hope and keep me moving forward. And then just like that they’re gone for a while, unable to find anything in my dark. Thick and heavy, stuck in my own shit, it’s all come undone again. The endless cycle. Nothingness. 

When my body and my brain are malfunctioning at the same time, it’s hard to keep up with any type of maintenance when there’s little hope of resolution. Over and over. More. New. Will it ever end? Crawling because I don’t know what else to do. It hurts so much, losing everything you thought you had. 

Hopelessness and despair are big to carry, easy to overwhelm. The constant search for the light can exhaust even the strongest of souls. I used to ask others to hold hope for me. It was very powerful to know that when I couldn’t find any for myself, that someone else was out there still holding that hope for me. I don’t have that anymore. Let down and abandoned, I doubt I’ll ask again as I can’t seem to find any that want to hold on. I fear another rejection will push me over that edge and I’ll never come back. It’s the darkest when you’re alone but it’s safer this way. If I don’t care does it really matter? 

Today is hard. I’m trying to find some hope but I’m too tired to look. Maybe I can try again tomorrow. Maybe not. I just don’t know. 

Fucking depression. 

6.8.25

Lost

Where Did I Go? 

I wish I had an answer for that question but honestly I just don’t know. So many questions running through this brain of mine. Not just where am I but who am I?

I’m feeling so very lost about my life lately. It’s a strange place to be and I’m not sure why I’ve landed here in this space. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Do I even belong here?  Things have become so confusing for me and I have no idea what I will do next, what will happen, but it doesn’t feel good in any way. 

Empty. I feel such a void inside me, darkness, zero life force,  no reason to care as there is simply nothing in there. Am I really living on that edge of hopelessness as I don’t see how I will find anything to keep sustaining myself, my Self, my life. A Zombie, aimlessly wandering, all consuming yet still unknown. 

Oh dear Lola my depression, you can be so cruel and unrelenting. How do I possibly continue to carry on when I have no faith that anything will ever change. A vicious cycle of push and pull and narrow escapes from the reality that I keep finding the same answer; there is no answer. Just that darkness that fools me every time like self charades, a game with no possible winners, rigged for loss. 

Currently I seem to be wandering endlessly because I don’t see the light. So much I desperately want to find but know I never will when I search from despair. I’m blinded by my own Self, searching for parts unknown, can’t see to get out of my own way. 

That’s just it….I don’t know! Please help me see. Help me feel. Help me know. It’s almost self torture at this point. Self defeating for certain. Sabotaging Self is something I’m very good at. Will I ever find what I’m looking for? Doubtful since I have no clue what that is. 

I must be asking too much. Just like every other day of my life. Nothing is inevitable. Still not comfortable in my own skin. The itch continues. Feeling sucks. So tired. 

Highs, lows, and not much else in between. Life with no joy is death walking. I can’t find a way out. Please send a key. 

6.7.25

Trapped in a time

Within the depths of my mind

Should I let go?

I just don’t know. 

It’s so painful being here.

This is Blog Post #150 🥳

#150 

Self- Reflection with my Cats

This is post #150 for me. I never imagined how this blog would become important for me and my journey. It started out as a place to share my experience with cancer and now has become whatever I need it to be for mySelf. I hope you find something useful here. Thanks for reading.

For my 150th post I would like to share my reflections comparing and contrasting myself to each of my current fur kids. It has been said that you come together with your pets because they manifest qualities about yourself that we may love or just want. I thought I'd try to test that theory.

Please know I fully understand what personification and anthropomorphism is. I respect everyone's right to communicate and believe whatever they want with and about their animal friends, their pets.

I currently have 6 house cats. I often say I only have 5 and one foster but it’s time to acknowledge that he's no longer a foster and not going anywhere so reality is I have 6 cats that live with me and all are spayed and neuters. No pet gonads at my house! Let's meet my gang and how I relate to them. I have 3 girls and 3 boys. I have a set of triplets. 

The Girls

First up is Itty Bitty Kitty. Nickname Bitty Bits. She's black and white around 13 years old. Her face reminds me of Batman in some ways. She was a feral that showed up at my house as a tiny kitten. I witnessed her being grabbed and shaken by a neighborhood dog and was able to get her loose. After that I provided a shelter for her and made sure she was safe and able to heal. I couldn't bring her into my house because of my dogs at the time. She became somewhat friendly and 2 years later she showed up limping badly. I thought she had a broken leg so I trapped her and took her to the vet. Luckily it was just an abscess and she became an inside cat from them on, never any issues with her integrating. 

Itty Bitty summary: Former feral, survived, found an opportunity, reformed, living the good life now, first in line for meals, first to claim a spot on my bed, and the loudest purr of them all 

Me: Definitely a wild child, survivor of much, made my opportunities after cleaning my act up, have tasted some of the good life. 

Next is Baye Baye. Nickname Bay of the Way. She's a Siamese with a grumpy face. She's one of the triplets that were born in my back yard to a feral mother. The litter was about 4 weeks when I brought them in to socialize them. She was a very tiny thing and our first encounter was when I picked her up she hissed and spit so much I just had to laugh. That was the start of our relationship. 

Baye Baye summary: Vocal, bitchy, a real nag, not liked by many in the house, can be sweet and loyal, and claims to be misunderstood.

Me: Vocal when needed, can be bitchy(we all have bitch mode) but take the time to get to know me and I'm a very kind and loyal friend, often misunderstood. 

Last of the girls is Sassy. Nickname Sassy McFrassy. The runt of the triplets. She's a pretty gray tabby who has many unique qualities. She has this habit of picking things up and moving them around the house. I often find things in my bed. Some of her favorite items to move are an old dog leash she discovered and a old furry toy. The oddest item I found in my bedroom was a small bag of little potatoes she found in the kitchen. Made me smile.  

Sassy summary: Quirky, odd, and weird. She's a favorite of the boys but she takes no shit. Hit and miss with her sisters. she's generous with bringing me gifts!

Me: Quirky, odd, and weird. Doesn't take too much shit. I learned from early abuse how to use sex to manipulate the boys.

The Boys

Tommy. Nickname: Tom the Bomb or Tommy Obama. He is the foster who isn't going anywhere. Tom showed up in my yard as a small kitten, dragging his back legs seemingly paralyzed. I don't how he got in as my yard is fully fenced and he couldn't jump. No matter I took him in and got him vetted. It turned out he had a spinal infection that was causing the loss of his back legs. A retired friend of mine offered to adopt him as he needed more care than i could give as I was working at that time. So I thought he had a great home and future life. She treated the infection, and did PT for him and and he regained full function of his body. Then I got a call one day if I didn’t come get the cat he was going to the pound. Why? What happened? He was a young energetic cat who just wanted attention and would cause her to fall. I was so sad for him but I wasn't going to let him go to the pound after all he had been thru. After a year in a home of his own, Tom came back to me and as much as I tried I never found a different home so he's a part of our family now. 

Tommy summary: Big boy, clutzy for a cat, rough, he means well but his approach of zero boundaries can be annoying. He loves to stretch out back to back with me in bed (nice winter heater), BFF is Willy Wils. 

Me: I can be perceived as rough due to walls I have constructed. I have worked hard to respect other's boundaries, but as a teacher I sometimes need to push a student a bit out of their comfort zone to enable them to learn. Seems to be effective done gently. Now if I only could apply the same skill to mySelf.

Willy Wils. Nickname: Silly Willy or My Gingy Boy. Wils came from a parking lot. There was a young man giving away this kitten and on a whim I took him. A few months earlier I had lost a litter ginger boy named Cheddar to FIP. It was heartbreaking as Cheddar was such a cuddly sweet kitten who would sleep under the covers with me. So when I saw a ginger kitten I couldn't help myself. Not replacing Cheddar but just wanted that ginger vibe back in my house. 

Willy Wils summary: Sweet, mischievous, Ginger boy. He gets along with everyone. He looks up to his big brother Luigi, plays hard with his BFF Tommy, adores Sassy, and loves to give Baye Baye a hard time. He can even get old lady Bitty to play with him. He insists on smelling and or tasting everything I eat. His food obsession is unlike any cat I've ever seen as he likes everything from pizza to Poptarts. He will appear from a dead sleep when he knows food is around.  

Me: I'm envious of his ability to get along with all the different personalities in our house. The different approaches he uses for each relationship are something I enjoy watching. He's such a pleasant energy to be around and him being a cat foodie makes me chuckle for sure. I share most of the time! We have a special agreement with yogurt as it's one of his favorites and during my cancer recovery that sharing was our private time together. 

Last but certainly not least is Luigi. Nickname is Weege or Luigi Winky Woo or Bubba. He's a handsome gray cat that could pass as a Russian Blue.  He is the third triplet and also the ruler of the house. He puts them all in their place when needed and he is respected by the rest. Tom tries challenge for position on occasion but not successfully yet. He's a big boy these days, looks somewhat like a Buddha (see picture below). He's a mamas boy, quiet and super sensitive. I often observe him for clues on my energy. He's also the official guard cat and door bell as when someone comes up our side walk he will growl and runaway. 

Luigi summary: Big, quiet, sensitive, mamas boy. Keeps everyone in line and is a gauge of how things are going in our household, what kind of energy is around. 

Me: I am smitten with this big sensitive boy. They say you shouldn't have favorites but I will admit I do. I can relate to his sensitivity and we push each other beyond comfort at times with our antics towards each other. There's just something unique and indescribable about our bond.

So many different reflections I can find when I watch my kitties living their life. Myself, Self, my parts- so many different things I see in my kitties. I've had many pets over the years which I hope to share more about in the future It's so interesting to watch and reflect on their behaviors with each other and with me. 

 Cats are unique in how good they are at reading energy. Dogs are masters of body language but cats feel you and what you're putting out. You can’t hide it from them. Maybe they can help me with embodiment and felt sense that I struggle so much with. Hmmmmmm.....interesting thought to ponder.

Happy 150th Post to Me! I will take this as a win today. I'm still not in my best health but happy to share something personal and fun. I hope you enjoyed meeting my gang!

Please be safe out there!

Happy Pride 🏳️‍🌈

Some additional pictures for your enjoyment!

To Bee or Not to Bee

To Bee Or Not to Bee

 This is how I’ve spent my last 6 days. Itchy, scratchy, painfully miserable. I have been in a full body break out rash. When I say full body I mean no part of me on the outside was unaffected- eyelids, fingers, feet, you name it and there was a rash. I was completely covered. There’s been no escape from it. 

This all started when I apparently stirred up some bees while raking some leaves up in my yard. Before I knew it at least a dozen were on me and attacking. My choice was to jump in my pool which luckily isn’t too cold this time of year as it’s swim season. I know they tell you that’s not a good strategy but I am unable to run so way I could out run them. I found 4 drowned in the pool and I had wait and keep swatting as I’d surface for air but they eventually all were gone. 

My stings were all on my back. I know I had at least 5 attack and sting but what happened to me next was so unexpected. A few hours after the attack I started breaking out in a rash. I wasn’t too concerned but it kept getting worse.

By Thursday I could barely stand it. I talked with my PCP who called in some meds. When I woke up Friday it’s was at its worst. I tried everything I could think of to find some relief but it was a huge challenge. Battling with depression and trauma doesn’t give much space for added ailments but like every other shitty thing that happens to me, I just have to deal with it as my only true option to rid myself of it all is to die.

This my actual arm and leg on Thursday. It got worse Friday and Saturday. Today I’m happy to report that the rash is less angry and my skin is peeling en mass. I’m hopeful that it’s headed in the direction of healing and not resetting for another go around. I’m already on the edge. 

In IFS they say there’s no bad parts. I like to call them challenging and not so challenging. This is definitely extra. I believe strongly and understand the mind/body connection. I’m quite sure that my current mental health challenges are involved with the severity of some of my health issues. Am I causing these issues? I don’t believe I am creating but I do know my mental status can be very unhelpful during any of my episodes of unwellness and can make them more intense. 

The best I can say about this histamine attack is it kept my mind in a different space but this definitely isn’t helpful to restore my connections with my body. Having to deal with the effects of such a large amount of histamine being released is something I don’t wish on anyone. 

Just another fucked up thing to add to my story. Like I really needed this one. Trying to find something to be thankful for today that I can believe so here it is:

I’m thankful for the beautiful cloudy rainy day we are having here today. The lower temperatures  make my skin a tiny bit happier. I’ll take it. A 1% improvement is always better than zero! 

What else is this old woman to do? Dr. Donna and Numb Helga making a house call tonight! 

Hanging in and holding on. Be safe out there.

Me, mySelf and I

6.1.25 

Enough

Enough. What exactly is enough? Websters dictionary says the following-

Adjective: equal to the demands or needs; sufficient

Adverb: in or to a sufficient amount or degree

Noun: a sufficient quantity

Good enough

  Strong enough

     Pretty enough

       Smart enough

         Big enough

           Dark enough

             Happy enough

               Thick enough

                 Clean enough

                    Hard enough

                     Close enough

                         Colorful enough

                           Friendly enough

                              Small enough

                                 Light enough

                                    Free enough 

                                      Tough enough

                                         Not enough 

                                            Tall enough 

                                              Cold enough

                                                 Give enough

                                                     Proud enough

                                                        Wealthy enough

                                                           Hot enough

                                                              High enough

                                                                 Proof enough

                                                                    Said enough

                                                                       Sincere enough

                                                                          Heard enough

                                                                             Clean enough

                                                                                Needy enough

                                                                                   Large enough

                                                                                      Strange enough

                                                                                           Quiet enough

                                                                                               Old enough

                                                                                                                           

                                        How much is enough?

                                        Enough is enough 

                                        or

                                        Never enough.

Will I ever find what I'm looking for?

5.28.25

     

       

                                     

Memorial Day

Memorial Day

 It’s Memorial Day here, a day to celebrate those who have given their lives to keep our country free. For everyone who has had this extended weekend I hope you have enjoyed it. I haven’t felt too festive and it seems like others haven’t either. Those very things we fought for are being taken from us every day. My country and my heart both broken in unexpected ways.

I’ve spent every evening this past week sitting outside enjoying the beautiful weather and the sights and sounds that go on in my yard. While of course I enjoy watching and listening to the birds and the cats as I wait for the pool to be ready, it’s been incredibly silent this weekend.

I live in an old middle class neighborhood with a variety of people. Most summer weekends I hear people out enjoy theirselves with family and friends. This weekend, crickets. Silence. No kids, no music, no singing karaoke, no drinking, and no smells of BBQ feasts with fun and laughter. Just the quietness of what’s happening to our country.

It makes me very sad that we now seem to be living in a world of fear, where people stay silent because they’re afraid of being different. This country, the United States of America, who once bragged of and welcomed diversity, has now become openly filled with hypocrites, bigots, racists. Heartbreaking to watch people being persecuted just for existing. Our constitution being violated and threatened daily. 

Seeing all the destruction and cruelty happening to my country certainly doesn’t help as I deal with all my internal battles. It’s hard to find those glimmers, those moments of hope, the places to go to gain life force, some sustenance to continue. But thankfully I continue on, continue on my search to find enough light to stay. It challenges me like no other, this battle for life. 

I struggle on. Not sure what to expect. Not sure what I’m looking for. The only sure thing is it suck’s where I’m at. 

Fear, Doubt, Trust, and WTF

Fear, Doubt, Trust and WTF

I had a crisis of WTF last night as in What the fuck am I doing? Doubt trickled in and fear grabbed ahold and now I’m feeling the desire to run away and just go back to imprisoning myself, my Self, to keep it all away by silencing.

Doubt: to call into question the truth, to be uncertain of, to lack confidence, to consider unlikely, an inclination to not believe or accept. 

Yes all of the above. Fucking trauma brain and depression. I’m questioning myself here- parts in disarray, a little internal disagreement. l'm feeling very insecure in my choices and wondering what’s wrong with my communication skills. I only speak one language, but lately I wonder what exactly is coming out of my mouth as the feedback doesn’t seem to match my words. So what did I really say? Is my mind so full of fog that my words don't match my meaning?

Something amiss. So confused. Am I going too fast, pushing too hard, or truly just don’t know what I’m doing? Zero confidence currently and trying to figure out why. What changed? I’m not sure but I’m going to do my best to continue to comprehend the roadblock

Fear. Those monsters inside of me scare the shit right out of me. Not going to lie. They all want me to die. I am afraid that they will scare everyone away. They are very loud. They are very strong. They are very powerful. I don't currently have the capacity to keep them from destroying me. That's why I don't let them out often. I need help and I will freely admit it; they know it. That can be very problematic.

Things had felt lighter lately which was easy to notice by the tone of my writing not just here but also in my journals and thoughts in my mind. Of course it's been great having some support and safety and co-regulation. But now what is happening? Why am I feeling the desire to pull back, to hide, to quit asking for help?

I don't have those answers yet. I'm still sitting with this and it's always helpful to write it out. In some ways I am worried that I will confront my monsters, my shadows and then be left alone again to deal with them. That terrifies me as they see my vulnerability as they look for the ways in to hurt. 

Self-sabotage...that's something I will explore in the coming days as it's a recognized behavior, a part I call Demon Denise who tries to ruin things in the name of avoidance. I don't want to run I don't want to hide but its all I know because failure and then pain is what I usually find when I don't. 

I hear my Self saying patience. They say it’s a virtue but that's not a quality I've mastered yet, at least not for myself. I have a lot of patience when out in public as I realize it's the only peaceful way for me. Inside my mind is a totally different reality. Waiting is hard. Going slow is just as hard. Neither is optional.

So what exactly am I doubting and not trusting? Right this moment my answer is most everything as I'm back wondering about it all. Grief still very prevalent. Being vulnerable is hard and we don't like it much. Scared of the known and unknown. 

Still trying to figure this out, what is really going on today and what am I so afraid of? Retreating and locking my doors has never been the answer but still a common strategy in my world of avoidance. Looking closer, going deeper, being totally honest, being naked in the true sense of the phrase the naked truth. Hoping to locate whatever, whoever this is. Come out come out wherever you are. 

Trying to stay out of the basement this weekend. It seems I have fallen down the steps again. Picking up my pieces of my shattered heart, my fractured life. 

2.23.25

Finding My Way Back to the Light

Finding My Way Back to the Light

This year, 2025, hasn’t been my best. That’s an understatement for certain. Recently I spent some time reading past entries here on my blog and my many journals. I find it a good thing to revisit from time to time, to see where I’ve been, where I went, and where I am currently. Awareness of my Self and my patterns can be so helpful when trying to make changes or updates in my system.

I have to say I really was surprised at what I read and I’m glad to be here writing this today. It’s been super dark in my world the past few months. The depths that I visited were in many ways terrifying but at the time I had no concept of just how far into the darkness I had fallen. So close to death.

Drowning in my depression is the name of the above picture. Such a great visual and the title fits so perfectly to how I feel at times. The stories and lies that depression tells; it’s hard to sort through what’s real and what’s not when I’m in a low cycle. This time hit me particularly hard. Honestly there were moments when I questioned whether I’d make it especially since I was totally alone after being so let down and abandoned by my therapists. 

Pain is when you know no one is coming and you only have yourself. My Self is very tired but thankfully Soul Survivor, that part of me that will me to live when nothing else can; that finds just enough to make it to the next minute, the next hour, the next day, and today. 

While I don’t want to question or throttle that survival part of me, I have been asking myself what has helped me especially this year, this fucked up challenging year like no other that I’m having. I think I found part of the answer in what I call glimmers. 

Glimmers….glimmers are described as micro moments of regulation that fosters feelings of well being (term coined by Deb Dana, who works with Polyvagal Theory Stephen Porges).  To put it simply these are tiny moments in your day that bring you joy. 

I first heard of glimmers while reading about attachment styles and theory. It was one of those things where I was really drawn to the word and explanation so I filed it away in my busy brain thinking this might be something useful in the future. 

They started showing up in my life as things that could break thru that darkness, that crushing weight of nothingness, the lies of Lola and Worthless, Cinder and Vanessa, Denise, Sloven and Lydia. Who are these characters? They are my critics. Parts of me that are “protecting” me. They are my shadows and they can be loud and relentless in their pursuit of keeping me trapped in the depths, blocking the light to any path or escape from the deception and lies of depression and what it attracts. Prisoner. Imprisoned. Self prison. Death

Being in therapy the last few years has given me a great deal of knowledge and awareness. It has enabled me to learn and create tools and coping strategies to help me combat this darkness that can, at its worst, totally overtake and suppress any normal thoughts. It’s hard to live with it at times as it can challenge me in ways I never thought possible. But I’ve found my way back once again.

Our brains focus on the negative. That’s an absolute fact. I know I do it. I could do 100 things and 99 be great and I’ll only focus on the one that was less than. Knowing this has helped me become more aware of ruminating or getting stuck in those dark spots and to try to take action to help. That’s where those glimmers come in.

Finding and/or creating safety for my Self is something I work on most days. When I’m in a low depressive state this is where I go to all the somatic type grounding tools. Things like orienting to the surroundings, saying things out loud, holding myself, water, and moving locations are some ways to break that rumination and stickiness of my thoughts, black and white thinking, cognitive distortions, automatic negative thoughts, all those things you learn about in therapy about how your brain can fool you. 

Once I started seeing how these things can help bring me back, to create less suffering, I realized I could take it one step further when I started seeing glimmers. Instead of just breaking the pattern, once I'm out of it I can actually add something good, even some joy for the moment. 

Glimmers are all around if you’re looking. They are just moments in our everyday life that go unnoticed because we rarely stop long enough to see them let alone enjoy them. I wrote of a wonderful glimmer I found and enjoyed the other day…the box. 

What I hadn’t really thought about is how all my glimmers(and my writing) have helped me find some of that color again, to find space to breathe without that crushing weight, to pull out of the darkness that had such a grasp. Why do glimmers help? It all adds up. Even micro moments of letting joy in, smiling, enjoying whatever that is. My nervous system remembers. Neuroplasticity is rewiring my brain. It notices and feels each of those moments I am creating and remembers how this felt so safe. Micro moments accumulate to create bigger; similar to a leaking faucet, it will eventually fill up the bucket as it continues to drip. 

So my buckets are filling, one glimmer at a time. As I take them in I try to find more each day to replace the emptiness and hopeless that come with depression. As with anything, I have to keep reminding myself to look for those moments, those glimmers. 

Some of my favorites are enjoying a lap purr party with one of my cats, rainbows, watching the hummingbirds play around my feeders, sunset or sunrise, the smell of fresh rain, holding a favorite crystal, eating a good piece of pepperoni pizza, crafting a Sigil, the smell of bread baking while driving by a big bakery in town, a clerk who remembers my name, the WTForecast weather app(try it, you'll laugh!), choosing what Zox I will wear for the day (https://zox.co/), cloud watching, hot chocolate, the smell of favorite essential oils, birds singing, candle magic, finding constellation and meteorites in the night sky, and listening to classic rock with headphones and my Woojer vest. 

My list could go on because I have been using glimmers for awhile to help myself, my Self. I didn't realize how much they have been adding up and I will give them their due credit for assisting in my survival this year. Some are more than micro-moments for me now. Glimmers are the opposite of triggers and the much preferred response for me! Feel a trigger, seek a glimmer.

So are you ready to try adding glimmers into your life? From Deb Dana's website:

This Basic Glimmer Practice helps you learn to notice and name glimmer moments, to stop and feel the spark of joy a glimmer brings.

See: What are the cues that you have found a glimmer? What happens in your body that lets you know you are in a glimmer moment? What do you do when you feel that spark of energy? What thoughts arise? What emotions do you feel?

Stop: Now that you know the cues, use them to notice glimmers as you move through your day. Glimmers happen regularly, but because they are micro-moments, you need to be on the look out for them. Look for predictable glimmer moments in specific places, with particular people, at certain times. Find the ways glimmers routinely appear. Be open to the unpredictable glimmers that may also appear. When you recognize one of the cues you identified, stop and find the glimmer.

Appreciate: Create an easy way to acknowledge a glimmer as it happens. You might repeat a simple phrase or make a small movement like hand on your heart or a finger pointing towards the glimmer, each time you find a glimmer. Notice all the different feelings your glimmers bring. Spend several seconds in appreciation letting the glimmer land in your system.

Remember: Find ways to keep track of your glimmers. Experiment with ways to build your collection and create a personal glimmer library.

Share: When you share your glimmers with someone else, they come alive again in the remembering and retelling. You might text your glimmers to a friend or make talking about glimmers a daily ritual. You could find a glimmer buddy or create a glimmer group. 

The darkness of depression brought me to my knees and almost won. But I'm here and still fighting. Any little light in the darkness helps. They can light the way to a different path and fill the voids with joy that has been absent for so long.

None of this is easy. It’s been a really hard period of my life this year but I will continue fighting. I will continue my writing. I will keep finding my glimmers. They give me hope. Without hope I’m back in the dark. I hope you will find some too.

5.20.25