Fucked Up

 This…..☹️

Deep In It

 

 I don’t think anyone still reads my blog. I get it. It’s not fun to read about others pain. I am struggling badly. I feel closer to death than other time in my life. I don’t enjoy being here any longer. Everyday is hard. Fucking hard. My life has me trapped. I am so tired.  I feel like a prisoner of my own mind. No joy. No pleasure. Just musts and shoulds and I am tired. So tired. I’m giving up. I hate now and see nothing next. Very few options in my sight. I just can’t find my way out. 

Hopeful Silence

 I’ve been quiet here. So much happening within. Discovery and recovery. Uncovering and unburdening. Getting naked from the inside out. I’m grateful to be trying something new and hopeful that it can help me find some answers. Healing is hard work. Surviving is harder. 

Monsters

 The monster inside

Deep within

Under

the basement

It escapes for just a brief time

And I have to start all over again

3-24-23

Heavy Answers

I have been trying to process a lot of heavy things that I’ve been carrying for so many years recently. Trauma. I find it hard to even say that word and associate it with myself. So many things I just don’t want believe about myself. Reality. Being honest and really seeing and admitting to my truths is just a first step. Grief is not something I had considered in this context. But it is something that I feel is right there, under the surface, waiting to be set free. 

The disconnect of my feelings and emotions between my mind and my body can be oh so uncomfortable at times. I recently had an epiphany of sorts relating to this connection. I have had chronic pain for quite a few years now from arthritis in my hips, shoulders, hands and back. I’ve learned how to accept a certain pain level and shut down those feelings of pain. So for someone like me, how do I reconnect my brain and body and not return to intolerable pain levels? Have I shut it all down even prior to this depression? There’s has to be an answer for people like me. I need a different approach than the norm. 

The search continues. Lack of connection within self. More questions. Few answers. I’m not unhappy about it. At least I keep asking questions. Someday they'll all be answered. 

Started on 3-8 finished 3-19-23

Perfect Date

 My perfect date! My kind of connection. Listening and vibrating. What more do I need?!! 🤭

3-2-23

She’s Back…….

                                                                                     

After 133 days (19 weeks) I saw my therapist today. Anxious. Yes. Concerned. Yes. Grateful. Yes. Happy. Yes. I was surprised at how easy it was. I had expected more resistance from myself but there wasn’t a need. It doesn’t seem like too much repair will be necessary. We both came back as different people but it still felt pretty comfortable.  

Navigating maternity leave. Not something I want to do again in the near future or ever: keeping it real. I just need a better plan in place. Better plan...haha...how about having an actual plan. That is being more honest. I am pretty discouraged with others right now. I will need to really put some thought into this.

I truly thought I could just take a break. I had convinced myself that it would be fine. Never one to shy away from admitting my mistakes, boy was I wrong on this one. The very first weeks I was panicky. I was in a type of withdrawal. It was difficult and confusing to go from having such an outlet to having nothing. I wrote pages and pages in several different journals those first few weeks. 

Of course I missed the feedback and knowledge but what I missed the most was the safe space that took many months and a lot of work to build. I hope it still exists. I have so much more I need to share. It's been quite the 133 days.

2-28-23

Me.

 

 Trust

Trust. TRUST. Trust. One of my least favorite words. I don’t seem to have much trust in anything or anyone right now. I recognize this as pretty big problem because that anyone includes me. I don’t trust myself. I am questioning most everything; the decisions and choices I am making in every aspect of my life. 

I can’t remember a period that I have felt this confused for so long with no idea what to do about it. As excited as I was about my new job, at the end of week 3 now, I have many questions if this is the right place. To be having doubts about my abilities to do a job that’s not new scares me. 

I have been realizing there are many things I can no longer do. My brain constantly lies to me about these things but I do see my reality. While I am working hard to change it, it seems I have been more accepting of my truths; mostly that my body is unable to function well. But then I worry if acceptance will make me complacent and I will quit trying to get better.  

I have not been able to walk unassisted for 3 years now. Having limited mobility can be very frustrating. Pain and weakness have been my daily for 3.5 years. Of course its super difficult for me to ask for help. I wonder if that in itself is why I have not made much progress physically. I push myself to do things I shouldn’t be doing to my body. Hurting instead is healing. At times there seems to be no other options. Still lots of Ghosts. Goes both ways now.

Trust. Where am I going to find my own? It’s lost or buried. Oh how I hate just floating along. Pointless. I can’t seem to change how I feel about that. Should we not all have some purpose for our lives?

Self. Trust. Broken. Fuck. 

2-24-23 

 Connection

I have to admit my forward progress has slowed tremendously the last few months. I’m not going to beat myself up over it for once. I suppose I could call that progress if it’s true. 

I have been doing my best to work on myself when I’m able. It’s been much slower going but it can come to a screeching halt when I hear two concepts about healing and self love.

 One is you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I have believed this for most of my life and since I’m pretty devoid of self love I just assumed I’ve been bad at loving others; failure in relationships. But recently I’ve been reading something different which is that others can actually help you love yourself. My thought: maybe. Of course my choices of people makes a difference, but that still causes me an issue.

Connection with others. That’s second thing I hear so often: you can not heal without connection. Boom. POW. Wham. Batman. Another steel door on my house. I just don’t desire connection. At all. I am perfectly honest with myself about it. Everyone I have ever trusted has betrayed me. At some point they have all used things that I have shared to hurt me. Why would I want to continue trusting or being open when this is my result?  Rigid thinking, yes. I am not willing to make myself vulnerable. I am unwilling to be open. I plain and simple have no desire to bring more pain upon myself. That is what is connection represents for me…PAIN. 

So my rabbit hole…I need connection to heal and connection can help me with self love. I still don’t want it! See the four letter P word above. Which leads me to: I guess I will never heal and Something is the matter with me since I don’t want connection. 

Stop signs. I don’t know if I can turn them in to green lights. 

2-14-23

Knowledge

 Knowledge 

I was recently fired from a job I was at for 4 years. I was let go because I don’t have any acceptable initials at the end of my name aka a degree. This was an interpretation of the accreditation rules and was mentioned to me 8 months ago. I was called, told of the “rule” and then they tried to strong arm into enrolling in a program. I politely declined. Not one other mention of this until I was called into a meeting and fired. 

To me this entire situation was handled so unprofessional. The company did some very questionable things to hide problems from the accreditation board. I was out on medical leave at the end of last year, which was approved. I came back, was called to a ZOOM meeting where I fired. My direct manager, the regional dean, HR, and campus director were all in attendance. Not one of them bothered to turn their camera on to speak with me. I was fired looking at a Zoom screen with dark boxes. That is fucked up. I was a good employee, always got good reviews and was even told there was no issue with my performance. 

Back to the degree. I guess I haven’t mentioned I’m an instructor. I teach at a career college(technical school) about the job I’ve been doing for 29 years. I’m almost ready to retire. Taking general education classes to finish a degree doesn’t make sense for me. It’s not going to make me a better teacher in the subject matter that I deal with. My results speak for themselves as my students do well and most are out in the world working in their new career.

I have no qualms with education. I respect your degrees and I consider myself a life long learner.  When something interests me I will soak up all I can about the subject. It just seems to me that we undervalue experience. I find that so unfortunate as peoples experiences are such wonderful lessons.

So let me ask….would you rather have an instructor with 29 years of actual experience in the field or 3 years and an Associate degree? 

2-7-23

Sauce

 Sauce

It’s Sunday afternoon and I smell sauce. Tomato sauce. My Italian tomato sauce recipe that’s been stored in my head for 52 years and counting. I haven’t had the pleasure of the aroma for a very long time. I haven’t even had a thought of making sauce for a few years. I have to say it smells so good. Vine ripened tomatoes, sweet onion, mushies, sweet basil oh the yum! 

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am starting a new job. Yes I said new job. You see a month ago I was fired from the old place. The reason had nothing to do with my performance but simply a matter of not having enough initials at the end of my name. I have a lot to say about that topic and will save it for another post. The only thing that has bothered me about getting fired is the loss of the paycheck. I have not been sad one bit about being gone from there. 

I have never been fired in my entire life but if this is what it’s like, it’s been a good thing for me. As many times as I was told, I still didn’t realize the damage to myself that was happening while I was working there. My recovery has entailed much more than I ever imagined. It’s going to take me some time to get back all that I gave up. 

I feel strange today because I actually feel good about tomorrow. This is new and a bit of wonderful so sorely lacking but this job started out in such a positive light. I was contacted by an old boss and I interviewed for this job 2 weeks ago. I received an offer and after thinking it thru, I had resigned myself to not accepting the position. Essentially I knew realistically that my physical self could not manage the job that was presented.Nothing the matter with my brain but my body is important too. I have been working so hard to heal. I told them I couldn’t accept and why. I was then asked to please wait until the end of the day before calling HR. A couple hours later they called me back and gave me everything I asked for to accommodate my needs. I was blown away! Tears flowed freely which in this Zombie depression is significant. Speechless, but managed to get out a yes of course I’ll accept and thank you. They let me know that they value my skills and actually want me as an employee. VALIDATION! That has felt amazing. But I hesitate because I need to make sure I figure out how to not make this an old pattern.

I have super low self esteem. I have discovered that I have lived my my entire life thinking my self worth and value was tied to productivity and how much I could do for others mostly. I was never encouraged or really allowed to foster anything within myself; not allowed to develop being myself. Never good enough(a work in progress). I looked externally for that value with no understanding that my worth comes from within. For so many years I was able to manifest these external rewards that I thought kept me sustained. Four years ago I lost all of that when I could no longer be self employed due to my health. After 22 years I had to go back to work for someone else. I felt lost and empty. I’m sure my brain started crashing at that time but it didn’t let me notice until I got cancer and it finally said HELP ME please! I can’t handle this any longer.

I guess my confusion is am I putting too much on getting this job? Can I just feel good about it and realize I also need to be balanced with it. I hope I’m making sense. I really need something to feel good about so I will stay aware and maybe not over value? Hmmm. Input please….(16 weeks now PS😟)

A fresh start tomorrow doing a job I know and enjoy with new people around me. I will go with my head up and a intentional smile on my face with high hopes of it staying there. Fighting those little voices of how is this goodness happening to me. 

It’s been a long time since I made my sauce. I know it’s going to taste delicious! Just like tomorrow…..it’s been a long time.

2-5-23

My 15 minute DYI

 Five Days

I am starting this by saying how disappointed I am in how my Procreate drawing uploaded above. I will figure out why it looks so blurry and fix it! Update (Just click on the picture to see it clearly 😉) On to the inspiration. 

People don't believe you when you tell them you’re alone. Of course that doesn’t mean I live on an island and don’t interact and with anyone. There are a few who will help me when it’s convenient for them. But as far as a support system I haven’t had one in place since my brother died.

Here’s my most recent DYI. I was told my brake light was out. I stopped at AutoZone and purchased new bulbs. Next day I watched a few how to YouTube videos and then proceeded to my car for the install. I could not replicate those YouTube instructions so I watched a few more. I realized I needed a 10mm wrench and I did not have. I put out an ask for help and got zero response. Surprise. Plan B. I ordered the wrench from Amazon. With Prime delivery it came the next day. Back to the car to remove light assembly. Voila! I can now get to the bulbs to change them but guess what? I was given the incorrect bulbs for my car at AutoZone and now my tail assembly was disconnected. I could put it all back together, drive back to AutoZone, hope they have the right bulbs, come back and take it all apart and replace but I’m choosing the easier for me Plan C. Back to Amazon to order new correct bulbs. Prime next day. Bulbs arrive late. It’s now day 5 of my 15 minute DIY project. But hallelujah! I got everything installed, working, and put back together properly. 

THIS IS MY LIFE. Alone. I’m proud of myself for figuring it out and finishing but it’s not easy to live like this. Especially now with my health struggles. Sometimes I don’t have a plan B or C. What then? I’m scared of that day coming. 

2-3-23

PS: Still doesn’t convince me for connection 

The group of people called therapists

 Finding a Therapist…my personal experiences 

My therapist has been on maternity leave for 15 weeks and 3 days now. Yes I’m counting. I’m hoping only 3 more weeks until she returns. I will make a separate post about this soon. I made a mistake by not finding someone else to see while she has been gone. My plan was to just take a break and work on improving my daily life. That didn’t work out well for me. 

I did try finding someone else and my experiences were honestly fucked up! I reached out to a total of 22 different therapists that I found from searching several hundred. I excluded the 12 who courteously replied by email they weren’t taking new clients even though their listing stated otherwise. All of them offered free consults which I took advantage of. Three of them didn’t bother to show up at the scheduled time even when confirmed and no communication they weren’t coming(so unprofessional). One challenged me for asking her questions and then told me I wasn’t right for her practice because I asked(I thought therapy was a collaboration not a dictatorship). Two showed and said they had no space for several months(why take the consult when I need someone now?). One told me to try Better Help. One I contacted thru a low cost service told me she gave away her last sliding scale spot the night before but could see me at full price(I call BS on the night before). 

Ten rejections. Ten failures. Hopeless. Empty. This is how I felt after these encounters. Sure I am responsible for my own feelings but here’s what I’d like to say to any therapist that might be reading this:

I am so happy that mental health is in the public eye now more than ever and people are getting help, which means you all have an abundance of clients/patients available to make your living. Update your info online. When it says taking new patients I assume you are. While I respect and honor your right to help who you choose, PLEASE pause and check within yourself when making those choices out loud. There are many like me truly hurting and first impressions, actions and words can be very impactful. Treat your consults as professional, delicate and gentle as a session. None of us know what’s really going on in each other.

From my experiences I don’t have a very good opinion of therapists in general. I never found anyone to help me get through this time. It has been hard being alone again with all my thoughts. I can only hope I’ll get mine back in three weeks. I don’t know what I’ll do if that doesn’t happen. 15 weeks, three days and still counting.

2-2-23

Rest

Ups and Downs 

Rest

I often say I’m living the roller coaster of life. It’s a good visual of reality, as life provides us a wide variety of experiences. We need all of them; good, bad, ugly, sad. I’ve ridden that roller coaster for many years but it’s different now. Being on Life’s Coaster with depression makes the dips go lower, darker, and the peaks are so much harder to climb. Many days are exhausting.

One of the most important things I’ve learned from my therapist is about rest. Yes it sounds simple but honestly I never truly understood that Rest is doing something. I need to repeat that.,, rest is doing something! My thoughts on rest used to tell me it was a waste of time. It never dawned on me to make it an actual activity. Not just an activity but one that is vital for good overall health of mind, body, and soul. 

A big part of this is self awareness. Simply paying attention to what your thinking, what your body is saying. Stop and pause to assess. And then LISTEN 👂. When I actually started to do this I was so surprised by how many things I was trying to tell myself but just ignored. Not surprising since I don’t do a very good job taking care of myself. 

Over the past months, I’ve gotten better at the listening for when I need rest.  I try very hard to honor my need for rest as a part of my self healing. Rest can be as simple as take a few breaths or change the scenery, sit down or actually lay down and sleep. It’s a reprieve, a get away, a refresher. You’re not resting if your mind is racing! 

My body has been telling me things for years and I hadn’t really heard a word it said. I guess the cancer demanded I change that. I must say I don’t believe I gave myself cancer but I do think it definitely was a desperate cry to self to wake up and make changes before it was too late. My health hasn’t been the best. Resting because I need it is now understood and  utilized as a big part of my Self care. 

I am starting to feel a tiny bit better.  I’ll take it. Any healing is better than zero. 

Who knew that you could learn about rest from your therapist? Thankful for the lessons 

2-2-23

2023

                                                                         2023

Yes I’m still here. Still struggling. Hope to start sharing again here. I have a lot more to say. 

1-25-2023