Connection

I have to admit my forward progress has slowed tremendously the last few months. I’m not going to beat myself up over it for once. I suppose I could call that progress if it’s true. 

I have been doing my best to work on myself when I’m able. It’s been much slower going but it can come to a screeching halt when I hear two concepts about healing and self love.

 One is you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. I have believed this for most of my life and since I’m pretty devoid of self love I just assumed I’ve been bad at loving others; failure in relationships. But recently I’ve been reading something different which is that others can actually help you love yourself. My thought: maybe. Of course my choices of people makes a difference, but that still causes me an issue.

Connection with others. That’s second thing I hear so often: you can not heal without connection. Boom. POW. Wham. Batman. Another steel door on my house. I just don’t desire connection. At all. I am perfectly honest with myself about it. Everyone I have ever trusted has betrayed me. At some point they have all used things that I have shared to hurt me. Why would I want to continue trusting or being open when this is my result?  Rigid thinking, yes. I am not willing to make myself vulnerable. I am unwilling to be open. I plain and simple have no desire to bring more pain upon myself. That is what is connection represents for me…PAIN. 

So my rabbit hole…I need connection to heal and connection can help me with self love. I still don’t want it! See the four letter P word above. Which leads me to: I guess I will never heal and Something is the matter with me since I don’t want connection. 

Stop signs. I don’t know if I can turn them in to green lights. 

2-14-23