Trust

Trust. TRUST. Trust. One of my least favorite words. I don’t seem to have much trust in anything or anyone right now. I recognize this as pretty big problem because that anyone includes me. I don’t trust myself. I am questioning most everything; the decisions and choices I am making in every aspect of my life. 

I can’t remember a period that I have felt this confused for so long with no idea what to do about it. As excited as I was about my new job, at the end of week 3 now, I have many questions if this is the right place. To be having doubts about my abilities to do a job that’s not new scares me. 

I have been realizing there are many things I can no longer do. My brain constantly lies to me about these things but I do see my reality. While I am working hard to change it, it seems I have been more accepting of my truths; mostly that my body is unable to function well. But then I worry if acceptance will make me complacent and I will quit trying to get better.  

I have not been able to walk unassisted for 3 years now. Having limited mobility can be very frustrating. Pain and weakness have been my daily for 3.5 years. Of course its super difficult for me to ask for help. I wonder if that in itself is why I have not made much progress physically. I push myself to do things I shouldn’t be doing to my body. Hurting instead is healing. At times there seems to be no other options. Still lots of Ghosts. Goes both ways now.

Trust. Where am I going to find my own? It’s lost or buried. Oh how I hate just floating along. Pointless. I can’t seem to change how I feel about that. Should we not all have some purpose for our lives?

Self. Trust. Broken. Fuck. 

2-24-23