Sauce

 Sauce

It’s Sunday afternoon and I smell sauce. Tomato sauce. My Italian tomato sauce recipe that’s been stored in my head for 52 years and counting. I haven’t had the pleasure of the aroma for a very long time. I haven’t even had a thought of making sauce for a few years. I have to say it smells so good. Vine ripened tomatoes, sweet onion, mushies, sweet basil oh the yum! 

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am starting a new job. Yes I said new job. You see a month ago I was fired from the old place. The reason had nothing to do with my performance but simply a matter of not having enough initials at the end of my name. I have a lot to say about that topic and will save it for another post. The only thing that has bothered me about getting fired is the loss of the paycheck. I have not been sad one bit about being gone from there. 

I have never been fired in my entire life but if this is what it’s like, it’s been a good thing for me. As many times as I was told, I still didn’t realize the damage to myself that was happening while I was working there. My recovery has entailed much more than I ever imagined. It’s going to take me some time to get back all that I gave up. 

I feel strange today because I actually feel good about tomorrow. This is new and a bit of wonderful so sorely lacking but this job started out in such a positive light. I was contacted by an old boss and I interviewed for this job 2 weeks ago. I received an offer and after thinking it thru, I had resigned myself to not accepting the position. Essentially I knew realistically that my physical self could not manage the job that was presented.Nothing the matter with my brain but my body is important too. I have been working so hard to heal. I told them I couldn’t accept and why. I was then asked to please wait until the end of the day before calling HR. A couple hours later they called me back and gave me everything I asked for to accommodate my needs. I was blown away! Tears flowed freely which in this Zombie depression is significant. Speechless, but managed to get out a yes of course I’ll accept and thank you. They let me know that they value my skills and actually want me as an employee. VALIDATION! That has felt amazing. But I hesitate because I need to make sure I figure out how to not make this an old pattern.

I have super low self esteem. I have discovered that I have lived my my entire life thinking my self worth and value was tied to productivity and how much I could do for others mostly. I was never encouraged or really allowed to foster anything within myself; not allowed to develop being myself. Never good enough(a work in progress). I looked externally for that value with no understanding that my worth comes from within. For so many years I was able to manifest these external rewards that I thought kept me sustained. Four years ago I lost all of that when I could no longer be self employed due to my health. After 22 years I had to go back to work for someone else. I felt lost and empty. I’m sure my brain started crashing at that time but it didn’t let me notice until I got cancer and it finally said HELP ME please! I can’t handle this any longer.

I guess my confusion is am I putting too much on getting this job? Can I just feel good about it and realize I also need to be balanced with it. I hope I’m making sense. I really need something to feel good about so I will stay aware and maybe not over value? Hmmm. Input please….(16 weeks now PS😟)

A fresh start tomorrow doing a job I know and enjoy with new people around me. I will go with my head up and a intentional smile on my face with high hopes of it staying there. Fighting those little voices of how is this goodness happening to me. 

It’s been a long time since I made my sauce. I know it’s going to taste delicious! Just like tomorrow…..it’s been a long time.

2-5-23