Parts Parts Parts

         

 Parts Parts Parts

Every part is different. 

I haven’t really spoken about parts here much. Yes I do work with my “parts”. Parts works seems to be a new buzz word this past year kind of like mindfulness was for a bit. Neither are new concepts. 

I found parts works not quite 3 years ago. I’ve read 23 books about IFS/Parts Work, been to many workshops, drop in groups, paid groups, numerous websites and Facebook groups, all in the name of learning about my parts. For me, finding IFS was like discovering my missing language. It has given me the ability to communicate with others what is going on inside my system and they can actually understand! 

It also has made a change in my system which is hard to describe but I’ll try. I used to live my life compartmentalizing all facets of it. Everything was pretty separate. With IFS/Parts work, those compartments have now become apartments, with windows and doors. And now my parts can see, and know each other, can come and go, no longer in isolation of their compartment, waiting for me to let them out.

I do this mostly on my own as my therapist is not trained in this modality but we manage. That’s why I go to groups and drop-ins and workshops; to check in with a trained person. It’s a pretty interesting way to interact and get to know yourself. 

Have I mentioned that my therapist is on maternity leave again? Yep baby number 2 while I’m still with her. Harder even this time because of how the strength of our relationship evolved. But I wasn’t going to make the same mistake this time and go it alone. That wasn’t so great for me. Thankfully, I have someone to help me through this time. I’m very happy to have her.

One thing I have been thinking about since she’s been gone is something she has said to me on several occasions. She wonders if she is holding me back, would I be better served with someone who knows parts work or other modalities she isn’t trained in. I tell her the same thing every time. Of course I can find someone who does parts work/IFS, but I can’t replicate our relationship that we have been building the last 3 years. I am usually very considerate and thoughtful of others but I haven’t considered am I forcing her to learn this because it’s something I want? Is that the right thing to do for either of us? I am still pretty passionate about it and utilize it constantly in my daily talk about parts. The concepts are understood. She always puts what I need first…always. That is something I can’t deny as she has shown me over and over. Unintentionally I know I’ve done things that others would be offended by but she never is (or she doesn’t tell me she is). I think she knows me and hopefully understands my intentions and is always supportive. So.. Why am I chasing other things…why isn’t what we’re doing, what she offers enough? I never thought of it this way. My thoughts are just finding things to help myself. I am so used to having to do everything for myself, that hyper independence, I just do it everywhere in my life, even when I am paying a professional for help. Like helping the landscaper do the yard- that’s so me! I also love to learn and IFS is fun to learn! Lastly, one hour therapy session a week is slow going when you have 60 years of uncovering to do. Of course I’m going to work on my own. It’s never personal against another. I am very appreciative of peoples help, my therapists especially. 

 I don’t know what the right thing is here but I do still strongly believe in our relationship over anything else and pretty sure most therapists do too. Things to ponder and work through while she is gone. Trailheads as they call it in IFS. It can sometimes be clearer when you’re not in the middle of it. 

I had another thought after I went away for a few minutes….IFS is something you can do a lot on your own. Certainly fits my narrative. OMG SMH 🤦🏻‍♀️. Do I gravitate to these things so I don’t need others or because I’m afraid of losing what I have or both? Probably. Yep. 

Parts, parts, parts. Busy day today. LOL <<< at least there’s that 🙂

The roller coaster of life with Lola

Last day of November and New Moon. Explains my busy brain….out with the old, in with the new. Hope it starts working…..get that New Moon broom out! 

Still alone with my thoughts

I might be a crazy cat lady but my cats don’t think I’m crazy 

I think I’m done being here for today.

Maybe not. 

Options. 

11.30.24

Hello?

Is There Anyone in There…Just smile if you can hear me

 Where are you Self? Especially Self Compassion. I still haven’t found it enough to recognize it often. As I continue peeling back the layers, uncovering and remembering all is part of the process but not sure I was ready to hold all these things by myself. That’s why they’ve been hidden for so long. Avoidance and distraction are running the show a lot. I need to feel safe. Trying to resource that safety for myself is challenging. Yes, I know I have already went thru all of it. That doesn’t make it easier when it’s never been processed or dealt with. Trauma is not what I went thru. It’s what is leftover. Imagine it being left over, hidden, and untouched for the most part for 60 plus years. 

Resources. Where do I find more? Of the 168 hours in this upcoming week, I will have 2 whole hours for conversation within my therapy and some text messages during my hockey games. Everything else and everyone else is now gone for various reasons. If you’ve been reading you know I struggle wanting connection as people equal pain. I still try. I talk with myself often but don’t have all my own answers. I wake up in the middle of the night in full conversation with myself. I need input and guidance from others. I don’t seem to find much right now. My choices in others aren't the best. It’s why no one is left here with me. When givers quit giving, the takers move on.  

Why do I keep coming here, to this page. It’s familiar. Lots on my mind. Safe space to brain dump. If I’m here writing I’m not doing other things. Lost. Searching. Hoping? Didn’t have that yesterday. Hmmm. 

11.30.24

People Suck

Totally my experience with people. 

I only really ever have myself. 

I know it’s not enough. 

It’s all I’ve got. 

Still trying.

Sadly here in the US it appears that rudeness and not caring is what people really want. Hate seems to be OK and now normalized. Just more reasons for my people equal pain stays a fact in my system.  

 

This kind of sums up the attitude I see and experience right now. And you know what, it really makes me want to care even more. I want to care more about others but don’t care much about myself? My thoughts make no sense at times but it’s what it says. Conditioning? I just don’t want to be part of the hate, to fuel the anger. I carry so much of it inside me, against me. How will I survive if it’s outside and all around too. Where do I go to find some kindness and joy? I have no answers. Do you? 

11.30.24

Go Buckeyes

 

Hope needed

 Please continue to hold hope for me. I can’t find any right now but I’m counting on you to still be out there holding on so I don’t let go. I’m not ready yet.

My Black Friday

11.29.24 

Survival

 Survival. I believe we all have that innate sense of survival built in, but I have to ask at what cost? Should we just continue on no matter what? Finding shit behind every door. What if you woke up one day and realized you have lived your entire life in survival mode? This is me. I did everything the absolutely fucking hard way. Yes, I have survived to this day, but I have effectively eliminated all people from my life. 

Now I find myself here, alone. Just like I planned it. Reality.  Not going to lie…it suck’s big time. I don’t know how to find my way to a different path. I’m doubtful there is one. It makes it hard because I do know that I can’t do this alone, yet it’s all I have. Current state of my health…poor. Mental and physical both still a struggle with zero answers in hand. 

The survivor in me is still strong but oh so tired. And some days oh so sad. I know it’s a mistake but how do I change after all these years. The fights and struggles and challenges just keep hammering me so hard, trying their best to defeat me. While I thought I was winning, I realize now that all I have been doing is deceiving myself, losing my actual Self in the name of the battle. Going in circles, finding myself in same place and spaces in my mind and my body. Blinded by my own self; like a prison. I can find no doors that swing either way. Will I ever find a door? Will anyone knock? Will I hear? Will I open it? Fuck off. 

How much longer will I keep up the facade, trying to fool myself long enough to justify not caring. I know that might be being a little hard on myself but no one else lives in this body of mine, this brain of mine. I get I need to help myself. I try so hard. But I feel like I’m losing. I rarely find answers and I seem to just go in circles, stuck in the tortuous cycles of depression. I reach out but…So lost and alone. What do I do? Where do I go? If I don’t care how can I expect anyone else to? Am I even asking the right questions? 

We heal in connection. So fucking sick of hearing that. I have never found this to be true for me. EVER. People equal pain. Love hurts. People suck. Why would I want them close? To give them another opportunity to crush me? Every single person in my life has hurt me. Most by using my words against me. Is it any wonder that I find myself alone? Is there any question why I don’t want to share myself with others? And zero question why love is hard for me. I am not surprised. Survival. I wrote about choosing to be alone in this blog early on. I never mind being alone. Lonely is a different story that I don’t see how to solve.

The two constants I hear about healing from those supposedly in the know: 

You must love yourself

You heal in connection.

I don’t stand a chance.

Can anyone still help me?

Survival. Hard. Ugly. Test. Struggle. Challenge. Extra. Let me out. 

I don’t want to do it anymore. At least not the hard way. It’s the only way I know. I still love to learn. Need a teacher. Is anyone out there? Please. I can’t hear you. 

11.29.24

Darkness All Around

 

How do I do this when I only find the dark. No light. No joy. Kindness and compassion are long lost, no longer my friends. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Peeling back the layers I have found so much, opening the past and stirring some deeply held shame and pain. So blocked and resistant. Are we so afraid of something good? The truth is I’m not sure I know how that feels…..good.

Harshland has been our reality for so long. It’s hard to recognize and be aware of how the name fits. Internal conversations rated R or worse. Another place I thought I had improved but I was fooling myself. Discouraged and somewhat disillusioned currently with the whole awareness thing. I am super fucking aware of so many things…WHAT NOW? Nothing seems to change. I guess I’m not processing all that I am aware of. Because I don’t know how…..I don’t have all my fucking answers. Where might I find them? Feeling so lost. 

Safety is elusive. Most has been altered or lost. Truly challenging to restore by myself or even my Self. Still trying. Looking for safety amongst the familiar has me here again. Alone with my thoughts.

I still hate myself 

11.26.24

After writing this, I came across this from Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle on FB. Love this guy for all his shares on trauma and addiction. Thankful for his thoughts tonight. So relatable. You can tell he lives it. 

We don’t need to be perfect. 

But we do need to show up for ourselves. 

We need to be on our side. 

We need to have our own back. 

That’s easier said than done, when we’ve been conditioned by complex trauma to hate and distrust ourselves. 

It feels like a risk. 

Being on our own side can feel “selfish.” Or “narcissistic.” Or “fake.” 

We can’t let that stop us. 

If we’ve been conditioned to sh*t on ourselves or shame ourselves or abandon ourselves under stress, NOT doing that is going to feel dangerous. 

It’s going to feel disingenuous. 

As it turns out: showing up for ourselves can be very emotionally complex. 

Trauma Brain is going to tell us it’s “stupid.” 

It’s going to tell us we’re “unworthy.” 

It’s going to tell us we “deserve” to be abused or abandoned— after all, that’s probably why the people who were supposed to support and love us didn’t, right? Right? 

Wrong, actually. 

That’s BS— Belief Systems— being pushed by our trauma conditioning. No more; no less. 

But it feels very real. I know. 

Show up for yourself. 

Refuse to attack or abandon yourself. 

Resist the pressure. It’s gonna feel like an itch— that’s how conditioning works— but don’t scratch it. 

�That self-hate and self-distrust is a symptom. And we don’t shame ourselves for symptoms. 

What do we meet symptoms with? Say it with me: radical compassion and infinite patience. 

You can do this. I don’t care how old you are or how late in the game it feels. 

You can do this. 

Today can be another day— or Day One. 

Start today. 

Have your own back— no matter what.

Comfort in The Dark

Comfort in the Dark

 Something feels different this time. The dark and empty seem to be welcoming me and I’m not resistant. It makes me wonder. Am I giving up. Letting go. Acceptance that nothing I’m doing leads me to any other place but here. Is this really all there is for me? My Soul Survivor is distant and oh so silent. Hopelessness is powered by the nothingness of existence only. 

 Endless wandering; 

still no one is ever really there. 

Nothing stops the pain and 

we still don’t care. 

11.26.24

Struggling with Giving Up

How do I keep going? It’s getting increasingly difficult for me to see anything that’s even slightly hopeful ahead. I cultivated most of this hell I find myself in. A life of being by myself, alone and one that I do understand is not sustainable. But at this point I don’t see any way out. 

I’ve dug a huge hole for myself and I don’t see a way out. While I may be able to experience some back fill, the reality is not looking good for escape. Everyday I am reminded of how much I have failed myself but I’m too numb to care much anymore. Hopelessness is what brings on the darkness. Any yes I do believe I find comfort there now. No one will see me there. I don't think anyone looks. 

Tired.

11.24.24

Stuck

 So discouraged and disillusioned today. It feels like I never get anywhere. Stuck in the muck, Going in circles, with clouds clinging. I keep coming back to the same places and spaces. Ugh. What’s the fucking point anyway??? Scream…….. No comfort in our own skin

Is this what there is for me? Up and down and all around and unknown day to day. what will we say, what will we do- who knew? I just don’t know why I keep trying so hard. Survival I suppose. But at what point do you just quit? Am I on autopilot and just deluding myself? Hope is often so hard for me to find. Perhaps that’s the delusion. What is real?

So far away today. 

In to the dark. Is that my comfort zone? 

Still alone

11.23.24

My Friend Depression

 Depression. Fucking depression. It’s hard to find words when you’re stuck in the shit. I want to feel but it’s too much and then I run, as far away as I can, sometimes right out of my mind. But I can never get far enough away and it eventually all comes right back. To start over.

It’s 1 PM and my next stop is back to bed. Not common for me at this hour. It’s such a strong pull today and I’m not sure why. Puzzled. But I am going to honor it. I am still wondering if this brain of mine is deceiving me in some way. Or maybe it will help.

You think things are level and managing and then BOOM…..I wish I had an answer for why I keep finding myself here. At least today I’m not in the basement or too close to the edge. Still trying to find good in it all. 

Don’t trust my Self or myself. Jumbled thoughts. Over loaded. No resolution. Need a glimmer. I’ll even take a spark. Small things can loom large.

Alone with my thoughts 

11.22.24

Coming Back to Find a Way Out

 I have not been here for more than a year but today I have no other place to go. So here I am.  Sad when it’s the only place you have to go and you know no one is here. No this isn’t a pity party, it’s a reality check. I’m feeling overwhelmed by I don’t get it. Still in a foggy dark cloud. WTF is the matter with people? 

I’ve written so much about how painful people are for me. And so it continues. Misfit. I never have fit anywhere. Almost, but then it seems some quirk or some trauma response comes out and I’m the problem. I hold boundaries and advocate for myself and then I’m the problem. It hurts to be told you’re always welcome, you’re family,  and then POOF 💨 you’re not, because you’re the problem. Discouraging to keep trying to make connections and then they go away or are taken away. People suck. Why do I fight so hard, try so hard. Fuck relationships. 

Feeling lonely for the first time in awhile. I usually don’t mind being alone but it’s different right now. Low on options. That’s an understatement- trying to fool myself. 

VOID. Truth

11.13.24

Update 11.21.24

Funny thing happened….not actually first choice wanted but certainly call when they need. And I still respond; unsure if it was a good thing yet.