Survival

 Survival. I believe we all have that innate sense of survival built in, but I have to ask at what cost? Should we just continue on no matter what? Finding shit behind every door. What if you woke up one day and realized you have lived your entire life in survival mode? This is me. I did everything the absolutely fucking hard way. Yes, I have survived to this day, but I have effectively eliminated all people from my life. 

Now I find myself here, alone. Just like I planned it. Reality.  Not going to lie…it suck’s big time. I don’t know how to find my way to a different path. I’m doubtful there is one. It makes it hard because I do know that I can’t do this alone, yet it’s all I have. Current state of my health…poor. Mental and physical both still a struggle with zero answers in hand. 

The survivor in me is still strong but oh so tired. And some days oh so sad. I know it’s a mistake but how do I change after all these years. The fights and struggles and challenges just keep hammering me so hard, trying their best to defeat me. While I thought I was winning, I realize now that all I have been doing is deceiving myself, losing my actual Self in the name of the battle. Going in circles, finding myself in same place and spaces in my mind and my body. Blinded by my own self; like a prison. I can find no doors that swing either way. Will I ever find a door? Will anyone knock? Will I hear? Will I open it? Fuck off. 

How much longer will I keep up the facade, trying to fool myself long enough to justify not caring. I know that might be being a little hard on myself but no one else lives in this body of mine, this brain of mine. I get I need to help myself. I try so hard. But I feel like I’m losing. I rarely find answers and I seem to just go in circles, stuck in the tortuous cycles of depression. I reach out but…So lost and alone. What do I do? Where do I go? If I don’t care how can I expect anyone else to? Am I even asking the right questions? 

We heal in connection. So fucking sick of hearing that. I have never found this to be true for me. EVER. People equal pain. Love hurts. People suck. Why would I want them close? To give them another opportunity to crush me? Every single person in my life has hurt me. Most by using my words against me. Is it any wonder that I find myself alone? Is there any question why I don’t want to share myself with others? And zero question why love is hard for me. I am not surprised. Survival. I wrote about choosing to be alone in this blog early on. I never mind being alone. Lonely is a different story that I don’t see how to solve.

The two constants I hear about healing from those supposedly in the know: 

You must love yourself

You heal in connection.

I don’t stand a chance.

Can anyone still help me?

Survival. Hard. Ugly. Test. Struggle. Challenge. Extra. Let me out. 

I don’t want to do it anymore. At least not the hard way. It’s the only way I know. I still love to learn. Need a teacher. Is anyone out there? Please. I can’t hear you. 

11.29.24