Where are you Self? Especially Self Compassion. I still haven’t found it enough to recognize it often. As I continue peeling back the layers, uncovering and remembering all is part of the process but not sure I was ready to hold all these things by myself. That’s why they’ve been hidden for so long. Avoidance and distraction are running the show a lot. I need to feel safe. Trying to resource that safety for myself is challenging. Yes, I know I have already went thru all of it. That doesn’t make it easier when it’s never been processed or dealt with. Trauma is not what I went thru. It’s what is leftover. Imagine it being left over, hidden, and untouched for the most part for 60 plus years.
Resources. Where do I find more? Of the 168 hours in this upcoming week, I will have 2 whole hours for conversation within my therapy and some text messages during my hockey games. Everything else and everyone else is now gone for various reasons. If you’ve been reading you know I struggle wanting connection as people equal pain. I still try. I talk with myself often but don’t have all my own answers. I wake up in the middle of the night in full conversation with myself. I need input and guidance from others. I don’t seem to find much right now. My choices in others aren't the best. It’s why no one is left here with me. When givers quit giving, the takers move on.
Why do I keep coming here, to this page. It’s familiar. Lots on my mind. Safe space to brain dump. If I’m here writing I’m not doing other things. Lost. Searching. Hoping? Didn’t have that yesterday. Hmmm.
11.30.24
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