Harshland has been our reality for so long. It’s hard to recognize and be aware of how the name fits. Internal conversations rated R or worse. Another place I thought I had improved but I was fooling myself. Discouraged and somewhat disillusioned currently with the whole awareness thing. I am super fucking aware of so many things…WHAT NOW? Nothing seems to change. I guess I’m not processing all that I am aware of. Because I don’t know how…..I don’t have all my fucking answers. Where might I find them? Feeling so lost.
Safety is elusive. Most has been altered or lost. Truly challenging to restore by myself or even my Self. Still trying. Looking for safety amongst the familiar has me here again. Alone with my thoughts.
I still hate myself
11.26.24
After writing this, I came across this from Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle on FB. Love this guy for all his shares on trauma and addiction. Thankful for his thoughts tonight. So relatable. You can tell he lives it.
We don’t need to be perfect.
But we do need to show up for ourselves.
We need to be on our side.
We need to have our own back.
That’s easier said than done, when we’ve been conditioned by complex trauma to hate and distrust ourselves.
It feels like a risk.
Being on our own side can feel “selfish.” Or “narcissistic.” Or “fake.”
We can’t let that stop us.
If we’ve been conditioned to sh*t on ourselves or shame ourselves or abandon ourselves under stress, NOT doing that is going to feel dangerous.
It’s going to feel disingenuous.
As it turns out: showing up for ourselves can be very emotionally complex.
Trauma Brain is going to tell us it’s “stupid.”
It’s going to tell us we’re “unworthy.”
It’s going to tell us we “deserve” to be abused or abandoned— after all, that’s probably why the people who were supposed to support and love us didn’t, right? Right?
Wrong, actually.
That’s BS— Belief Systems— being pushed by our trauma conditioning. No more; no less.
But it feels very real. I know.
Show up for yourself.
Refuse to attack or abandon yourself.
Resist the pressure. It’s gonna feel like an itch— that’s how conditioning works— but don’t scratch it.
�That self-hate and self-distrust is a symptom. And we don’t shame ourselves for symptoms.
What do we meet symptoms with? Say it with me: radical compassion and infinite patience.
You can do this. I don’t care how old you are or how late in the game it feels.
You can do this.
Today can be another day— or Day One.
Start today.
Have your own back— no matter what.
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