Not Noticed or Acknowledged: Invisible
It’s been two weeks filled with many lows and lots of unknowns. I’m still trying to recover from the shock of it all, so much unexpected, that I’m just now starting to take notice of how much is really involved. Just being aware of how big my feelings are, gave me a clue into how widespread and massive this wound is. So all encompassing when you give your total trust to someone and it’s betrayed in ways you’d never imagine. Devastated to the point of being frozen, unable to make sense of it all. Of course, no answers just silence, which is incredibly confusing itself.
This has been my first week of choosing to live the double I life. It’s so easy to do in these times. So many people walking around in their own world, never noticing what’s happening around them, oblivious to anything other than their own current reality. Hundreds of people in a store yet no one acknowledges any other. The scripted “did you find everything OK and thanks for shopping with us” during check out are the only words exchanged during my outing. After I leave, no one really knows or cares that I was here. Imagine how many of us invisible people have the same every day.
I realized that as long as I pay my bills, retrieve my mail from my mail box, and keep my yard tidy, no one will notice me in any other way. No one calls me, messages me, or emails me. I’m off social for the most part as the daily news from DC is too full of hate. I have no commitments or appointments to get to, no real schedule to follow. Not one person will take note or be affected by my invisibility; my withdrawal from socializing.
This speaks to my aloneness. People always question me in disbelief when I say I have no one. A few years ago I was at some workshop and the exercise we were being asked to do was to make two lists. One with the names of all the people you love and the other of the people who love you. It was difficult to look at my paper as there was very little on it.
Most of my people on both my lists are deceased. And the few that are living have limited space for me in their life. In other words, conditions must be accepted. This speaks to all the different kinds of love but also shows me what I am and am not willing to accept from and about others.
At my age where do I find a friend let alone any kind of love? I don’t work, I don’t belong to clubs, I don’t go out. Connection sucks for me and being let down by the one person I trusted has made a case in my brain for this double I life: to quit trying and just retreat. I try so hard to connect but my internal bullshit meter Bodine must be delusional as how do we not see it coming. How do I allow myself to keep getting fucked up by others?
I only have myself. No other support currently available. That’s not enough and I know it but I don’t see another way. I’m so tired. Will I fall and not get up? The tears are still falling. To believe someone really cared. Actions speak louder than words. It hurts to be abandoned. I might as well just keep hiding in plain sight. I have to find some fucks to give. Right now that’s an empty bucket. It’s hard enough to reach out but rarely is anyone out there willing to reach in. When they do, they just make me bleed. Closing those Castle doors.
It’s easy to be a double I…
NOT caring about each other has sadly been normalized. People just don’t fucking care. Truth!
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