Unexpected

Unexpected 

Life can be so fucking cruel. My life has been like a roller coaster for quite some time now. I ride the ups and downs even at their extremes. I have been finding all the bumps in my way, planning how to smooth them out and create more balance for myself. 

The last three years my journey has not been alone. I have had the support from a therapist. She has shown up for me like no other and after much work I put my total faith and trust in her. It felt good. There was no reason to doubt. It’s hard to confront yourself but having someone to guide you along the way makes the journey possible.

This week, the car flew off the track. It wasn’t just damaged but totally destroyed. She took that trust, crushed it into a million confusing pieces and abandoned me. 

This isn’t a post to bash my therapist. It’s a post about being let down and hurt. I realize her actions were not intentional towards me but it doesn’t make the consequences I have to deal with any less. 

I would’ve never imagined that the one person who should know how influential they can be, how much damage they can create, would be the one who adds to my pain. It’s a total betrayal of my trust. It’s the same old story for me. I let people in and they hurt me and leave. I don’t wonder why I don’t like connection. My truth: People equal pain. 

It’s only been a few days since I found out that I was being abandoned. It’s been so heavy, so hurtful. The impact is immense as this not only affects me right now, where I am, but it also affects my ability to move forward and find balance or any healing. All that work gone, left to start over on my own. Just when I truly believe there is a path for me to follow, it all goes away. 

Now I have deal with all these questions swirling around my mind about what was actually real. It’s hard to see that any of it was right now. The action of this abandonment has such large consequences in my life. How do I move forward when I can’t trust?

I’ve shed many tears. Still have many more to come. I rarely am able to cry. This is just one thing telling me the depth of this betrayal is beyond most anything else. It only compares with my betrayal of my Self at age 17. I haven’t forgiven myself in 48 years. I don’t know how long this will take. 

I get that hurting others can’t always be avoided. Our choices for ourselves will sometimes not align with what others need. If you truly care about someone, you should make sure that you lessen the impact of your actions on them. 

Unfortunately, that’s not what I got. A direct hit to my heart. To my future. To my life. 

I dont know how long it may take me to move forward from this. I will try to be patient with myself. I will try to not pressure myself. Right now I’m just feeling the grief and loss that comes with the hurt of being so let down. You could’ve done better for me. You should’ve done better for me. 

2.9.25. Such a heavy feeling this broken heart. 💔