Recovery

Recovery

It’s been a truly challenging February in every way I can possibly think of. So many unexpected twists and turns. All those shattered pieces and parts staring at me and I realize I need to take a step back so I don’t get cut any deeper  and cause any additional uproar in my system, an ugly bleeding riot. 

Each day that passes brings awareness of how much this has changed for me; so much no longer there or unable to trust the validity of what I do find. So many questions with no answers moving forward. My dear Cog - who, what, when, where, how? Oh these parts of mine.  

I’m thankful and proud of myself for reviving and creating the habit of writing on this blog again. Yes I’m old but not as fluffy. Yes it’s more of a personal journal with thoughts and opinions but being honest with myself I use it to call myself out on things. To put things online where anyone can see has a certain power.  I like to say you use what you got. For me this blog is something I’ve got, something that’s mine. You learn to be creative when you only have yourself. 

I still have other journals I keep of course. Sharing all your deepest darkest things with anyone takes time. I am feeling the need to retreat, to focus on my grief and loss in a different way. I’m going to call it a cocoon. This image below represents so well what I feel, the pull of isolation, what my parts are needing. 

I will be honoring my need for cocooning. I will make certain I’m not making this a self prison as I often can revert to. This is not that but instead a time for rest and reflection in order to move forward. Safety is so elusive for me. That’s rarely understood or honored by others. 

 I’m not OK, but I’m managing . I’ll be back. Could be sooner. Could be later. Just not sure. 

 Me, myself, and I.

 A solo journey in the dark. When I reach out no one is there. 

 Valentines Day. The day of love. Devoid. 

2.14.25