Stalled

Stalled

 Grief and pain from loss don’t really go well with depression. It’s hard to see beyond this darkness, to loosen the grip of those feelings of hurt and betrayal. Wondering how I can stay breathing let alone find a way out, but instead of a way out of this deep hole, the dirt is being kicked back on top, slowly smothering me, burying me alive. So much has been lost, stripped away without concern for any consequences that have been bestowed upon me. 

It’s still so hard to understand. Ghosted. The silence seems so unconscionable, making it all seem unreal. The tears still coming in uncontrollable waves, unable to find comfort for myself. Isolated and invisible, how I or any of my parts don’t really matter. How life has proved to me over and over that my choices only bring pain and hurt. Worthless. Undeserving of anything good. Sentenced to suffering. 

I try to keep fighting but where has that got me? Right back to the bottom of it all…back to being alone with myself, crying in the dark. A place I have so come to despise, a place of self torture and self sabotage. The people I allow into my life just add to my burdens, my pain. 

How will I ever trust anyone ever again, myself, my Self, included. What you have taken from me. What I allowed to be taken from me. I can’t go back. I can’t seem to find any way forward. I’m broken down and stalled on a path that at one time seemed so full of hope but now no longer even exists. Lost in it, wondering if it was all bullshit or if anything was real. Actions always reveal the truth when your words have disappointed with deceit. Come closer, trust me said the spider to the fly. 

Not much left as my reality has started to set in. Violated in so many ways. Still shocked by the betrayal. More stunned by the silence. Was I used, just an interesting subject to probe, to play with my emotions and alter my life with yet another abandonment? I didn’t deserve this but it’s what I got. It’s what I always end up with. Fucked and left alone. 

This has absolutely totally crushed and destroyed me and I don’t know how I can even begin to recover. I know I need help but can I really ask for it let alone accept it? How can I ever trust another therapist when this one hurt so deep? How will I be able to even consider when I can’t even trust my own ability to do good for myself? The only outcome I ever get is more struggle and pain. Is my message I’m too much and just can’t be helped as that is all I can hear. 

What did I do wrong again? Why keep trying? More tears. Time doesn’t heal. It just keeps torturing me. I’ve been so distraught I find it hard to get out of bed now. Self care is almost non existent with only the bare minimum being accomplished. I don’t know how much lower I can go. One day they will win. I’m trying to stay kind but it hurts so much. So tired. No relief in sight. 

If I don’t care does any of this matter….

Double I

2.24.25