Alone and So Empty

Alone and So Empty 

The roller coaster ride of depression can be so frustrating. It fights against most anything that might shine a light. Today seems ever so familiar and I find myself back into the basement, in the darkness, bombarded with the tortuous voices of the past.

Yesterday was actually a good day. I went for a float in the morning and I collected on an hour with an IFS coach that I had amazingly been chosen as the winner. Floating for me is always so wonderful. I know if I can get myself there it will benefit me greatly- body and mind. I work hard to fight the challenges of not wanting to engage with others on the way. I find strategies I am able to use to get me from my car to my tank room and back to my car in a safe doable way for me. 

The coaching hour was so surprising. What I mean is she was really a fantastic practitioner. My parts and I fully enjoyed our engagement with her. She was so very perceptive and kind. That she was able to hold space for all the parts that showed up was amazing for me in own it’s right. It certainly was wonderful to be able to have an hour of conversation with and about parts and be fully engaged without question. If I’m being honest, I would have to say for me and my parts, she was the best IFS connection I have ever encountered and I was so appreciative of the time she spent with me. Maybe coaching will be something helpful in the future and I wouldn’t hesitate to go back to her. Right now, dealing with my shadows, a trained therapist is needed. 

This morning I woke up feeling so much sadness. We are feeling so alone right now, hurting, feeling abandoned and also desperate but for what is unknown. I’m trying to fight it but it is hard to always welcome this despair. The voices that come with it are so cruel. The Squad in full force. Just die you fat and ugly piece of shit. You suck. You aren’t worth the air you breathe. You deserve everything that comes your way. Come closer and let us push you off the edge and end it all for you- you’ll feel better then. Temptress. 

Just a few of the lovely conversations that happen in Harshland, my internal reality. They scare the fuck out of me because they are right when they say they offer me a solution. Death definitely ends this all. All the pain and struggle will cease. There is zero doubt in my mind about that. 

I have an entire crew that pushes me towards death. I understand what they are saying and have come close to listening on a few occasions. They may win one day. I asked my therapist once if she ever thought suicide was rational. She said she understood that this gave relief to those who had so much pain and suffering. I so appreciate honesty of that depth from anyone. You can’t really understand unless you’ve lived it within yourself or walked beside another on their journey in this fucked up dark black hole called depression. 

The desire and parts that want to live are different than the part that doesn’t want to live or the part that wants to die, the depressed part, the self sabotaging part. They are very challenging and so far I have been able to resist their final offerings. I’m not always going to be strong enough. If I’m not feeling it I won’t push it but instead I will just avoid and distract because what if they win. 

What does that mean for me. Currently I don’t find my life pleasant. No joy. Nothing I see that makes me want to keep fighting. I wake and am often disappointed that I’m still here. I try to find ways to make the day go by with the least amount of shit and get back to bed where I will hope I naturally dont wake up. Then it starts all over again.

Lately, the hours during the day where TV or reading or journaling just doesn’t help are spent putting substances in my body to escape, to pass out, to not cope with my reality. The month of January my chemical disassociation has been excessive and out of the norm for me. I am acutely aware. But drugs have been my only friend. It keeps me here for now. It fits my pattern of poor choices in friends. They all feel good in the beginning but hurtful in the long run. I just don’t have any other answers right now that I’m capable of coming up with on my own. No passion for life, no joy, little hope. My life is a fucking mess and I don’t how to make it any different, any better. 

This being in limbo is hard. I am struggling and I know I need help but I’m not sure where that will come from. I have no confirmation if or when my current therapist will return. I decided to reach out and I’m hoping for a response. I feel selfish for asking but I really need to have an answer. 

Feeling so very alone right now. I still hate connection. The good encounters of yesterday only made me crash hard today and there is no one else here with me to lend support so I don’t fall. I fight to keep the world out because when I let them in they hurt me, they all hurt me. Reality sucks. 

When will I just give in. All the people who love me have gone to the other side. Days like today make it seem I will join sooner rather than later. Depression brain sucks. 

Day 36. Still very alone. 

I don’t think anyone is out there? It sure would be great for you to say hello. My heart is hurting a lot today. 

What “friend” will I choose to journey with today? The stash box is full. 

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