Glad you are here
The posting dates for my blog were stuck for awhile but seem to have corrected for my 2022 posts. This is the first post on my blog. Keep scrolling to read thru DEC 2021
Saturday, September 4, 2021
Unexpected…
This year I have been struggling with my health. It’s not something I am accustomed to, so learning to navigate the healthcare system as a patient has been truly eye opening. Trying to find answers and get treatment for the known has been my mission. Hip and back pain and massive migraines plague me daily along with other frustrating symptoms. COVID restrictions set me behind in finding and receiving treatment. At an appointment in May I asked for an order to get a mammogram as it had been awhile. I usually request a copy of the radiology report along with the films but this time I didn’t. I returned to my primary care about a week after the mammogram and was told everything was normal. I didn’t give it another thought. Two weeks later I received a letter from the imaging company asking me why I hadn’t followed up with as there was abnormal findings on my mammogram. I had another appointment the next day so I took the letter and questioned my provider. The answer I received was truly unacceptable. The truth was she never reviewed my scans. I knew I wouldn’t be coming back to that office. So I had to start again and find a new primary care in a hurry as this issue needed addressed ASAP. Not an easy task when you have to choose from a list in your insurance booklet. I got lucky and found a gem of a doctor.
After a diagnostic and ultrasound sound and biopsy in July, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So unexpected and difficult to hear. I had to now add cancer to my list of issues and it had to jump to the top priority. Thankfully I knew what surgeon I wanted to see and what my procedure choice would be. I was scheduled quickly and had my surgery two weeks ago. I am healing well from the surgery with a few to be expected issues.
I am still waiting to know if I will need chemo. I am still waiting to know the course of radiation. I also might have a second surgery. I need more info before making my decision. As a patient, waiting is difficult.
Please be your own advocate for your healthcare. Get a copy of your records and read what was written. Ask questions. Call your insurance company to get your out of pocket costs. While I mentioned the issue with my former primary care, I have had an issue with each provider I have dealt with along the way(except my surgeons office) from being over charged to scheduling mistakes to lack of communication. Stress is not my friend while I’m dealing with cancer.
My mind is struggling to make sense of this all.
Strength
I’ve shared my cancer diagnosis with very few people. I’m a super private person but I’m trying to tell more because I know I can’t do this alone. One thing that has been a trigger for me and not in a good way is when I share my news and they say to me you’re a strong woman. Yes I am a strong woman and proud of it. But what exactly does that mean? I have been grappling to redefine my perception of that term.
I’ve always been a strong woman for as long as I can remember. I look like I have it all together and nothing fazes me. I am fiercely independent, outspoken and headstrong, and I’m not one to take shit from anyone. If you are my friend I am loyal, dependable, and always have your back often putting you before myself.
I’ve had no other choice than to be strong. I’ve had only myself to pick me up when I’ve been knocked down and continue on. I’ve never been afraid of making decisions because I know they need to be made, not because it was easy. I’ve been through many things in my life that others may have found unbearable. I’m hardened by those events as they’ve been filled with enough hurt to last my lifetime but I rarely complain or share these hardships.
But strength is often confused with hardness. I can be perceived as cold, curt, and unapproachable. Having only myself to stand up for me has made me learn to push my feelings deep inside so I can pretend they don’t exist. Over the years this behavior has made it difficult for me to open up to new people; instead shutting the door to guard my heart.
Most assume I never need anything. I too had convinced myself that I could be an island and do it alone. Being strong all the time takes a toll. I have just finally admitted that strong people need help and support. Behind my smile and I’m OK is truly pain. I often cry alone until I fall asleep or can’t cry anymore. I am so tired right now. Exhausted from everything that has been going on for me in this challenging year of 2021. This rock has many cracks right now. It’s hard to admit these things but I have to be able to be honest with myself and others if I’m to make changes for my mental and physical well-being.
Having emotions doesn’t make me weak.
Asking for help doesn’t make me weak.
Saying I am not OK doesn’t make me weak.
Needing support doesn’t make me weak.
I am working on believing these things. While you may have the best of intentions I ask you to please use caution when saying things like: you are so strong, you got this, think positive, you’re only given what you can handle. What if I need to feel like I don’t have to be strong, at least temporarily? What if I need to be allowed to cry, be sad, be mad, or to just let go? These are things I haven’t allowed myself to do for so long.
Please allow me to be human so I can find my way back.
Mind Full
This is one of my favorite pictures. So simple but speaks to me so loudly. My mind is always working. Sometimes so fast that I can’t keep up. Maybe that’s why I love learning. I always assumed this is not the norm for everyone but it’s always been my normal. I used to hope that one day I’d be able to plug into a projector and show the movies in my mind. I thought that would be so awesome to have an actual visual, to see my own imagination, and my reality. It’s hard to quiet my mind. It’s been on overdrive for the past few weeks, saturated with stressful and anxious thoughts about what’s happening to me. I sometimes look down and realize words are coming out of my hands. An Italian thing? Am I going crazy? Two weeks ago I broke. Temporarily. I just could not handle any more input. This week it happened again, my thoughts were dark. I get scared. This has affected me in so many unexpected ways. So much harder than I have imagined. Being alone isn’t beneficial during these moments.
8-31-21
I’ve never been successful at the ledge because I’m afraid of heights
I went to the ledge today. It has been such a long time since I was here.
It looked so different.
Massive.
I walked back and forth most of the morning, stuck.
Drowning in the stories in my mind.
I had an appointment to get to.
We both knew something was not right.
The nature of the appointment delivered with honesty and compassion brought me back.
I was able to focus and walk away from the ledge.
I’m sure she didn’t realize the rescue.
But……I am still afraid of heights.
___________________________________________________________________
This is just all so overwhelming to me. So much to take in. My mind just keeps going and filling with so many different scenarios. It’s hard to turn off, to control, to redirect. Not having information, not knowing a plan for what’s next is definitely a source of this fragile mess of confusion.
What are some coping mechanisms you have used in your life when things become overwhelming?
Being Alone
Loneliness, isolation, life changes
I made a conscious choice to live alone. For the most part I’ve enjoyed it over these many years. I’m admittedly set in my ways. I hadn’t really ever felt lonely but I realize that has now changed. While I’m sure many people are blaming COVID I know that my recent life’s changes are the main culprit. COVID definitely hasn’t helped.
After 22 years in Jan 2020 I had to give up my Surgical Assistant business due to my back and hip issues. It was a difficult decision and more so the transition from self employment and doing my own thing to having a boss and a structured work schedule. I made the choice because I need an income to survive. I like teaching and I had worked part time for this company for a couple months before accepting the full time position so I knew what I was getting in to. What was unexpected was COVID.
In March 2020 I was sent home with a laptop and had to suddenly adjust to teaching online via live video classes. I was fortunate that I had a really great group of students so we all figured it out as we went. I went many weeks at a time without ever leaving my property. My students were my only real contact with other people. I settled into this isolation not realizing I was cut off from normal conversations. Yes I lectured 5 hours a day for 4 days a week. Of course we had interactions and discussion during class but student teacher is not a substitute for conversation amongst adults.
COVID 2020 was good to me because I was able to get a paycheck while working from home.
COVID 2020 was not so good for me because it halted my treatments for my back and hips.
COVID 2020 was not good for me because the isolation from others has made me retreat even more deeply inside of myself.
Working in the OR for so many years always provided that human interaction for me. Even with the serious nature of the work there was always a lot of conversations from current events or politics to down right laugh out loud hilarious subject matter. Smiles, handshakes, hugs, and many other greetings were freely given. All this was part of why I loved working in the OR. But I had to walk away. Shortly after that COVID stormed into all our lives
I thought I was fine; comfortable with this isolation. Now I feel differently. Lonely for the first time in so many years, longing for people to converse with. I’m unsure whether I have people to share my thoughts with that are willing to listen and share back. I’m trying to navigate this new reality and I don’t want to make irrational decisions about my health. I want to have input from others as just talking with myself doesn’t allow for that. My thoughts are all over the place. I certainly respect the knowledge of the physicians I am seeing but I am still the one that has to process the info and decide what to do. It’s hard to ask for help. It’s hard because I don’t really know who is willing to be a part of my support system and what they are willing to offer. Who is willing to be honest with me? To kick my ass when needed? To check in to see how I really am? Where do I look to find those people?
Alone with my thoughts.
9-6-21
Nothing good
The last few weeks have been full of so many peaks and valleys. For me one thing hasn’t changed. I cannot find one thing good about cancer.
My emotions have been raw and fragile. I left a recent doctors appointment and sat in my car and cried. Some of the things said to me were so inappropriate and insensitive. I really was dismayed that this provider was one that deals with cancer patients every day. One thing that I have realized having to see different specialists is that they sometimes they forget that there is that there might be more going on in a person’s life than the issue that they treat. That is the case for me.
Finding out I had cancer was just another thing to add to my plate. Emotionally it has pushed me right to the edge. I’ve had to really be honest with myself if I wanted to be able to get off that ledge. I realized how tired I was of living in pain physically and mentally. I realized how poor a quality of life I was living. I needed to start finding answers to set me on a different path. This cancer needed to be addressed first.
Everyone’s cancer journey is unique. We all understand that some people certainly have a more aggressive type or poorer outcome. But that shouldn’t have anything to do with your individual journey. My thoughts or feelings during my own journey shouldn’t be compared to another. But yet here was a doctor doing just that to me. Saying I need to be more grateful. It could be so much worse. And more. I felt they were trying to make me feel that my thoughts and feelings were invalid. They were dismissive of the rest of my story. It was very upsetting. I’m in a vulnerable state. It was uncalled for especially by a healthcare professional who I’m supposed to look to for care and support. I will never be grateful to have cancer.
I will never apologize for having feelings. I’m not looking for sympathy but being one who has practiced being strong in all the wrong ways, ie rarely showing feelings perceived as weakness, I have been trying to allow myself to let some of the crap out. To be told to be positive, be grateful, be strong, I’ve done that most of my life while shoving the rest deep inside. It’s left me in a fucking mess. I’m trying my best to let myself just feel how I do. Everyday is different. I am grateful but not about having cancer. I do think positive but not about having cancer. I am strong. Just not every day. Cancer can do that to me. I’m allowed. I’m pretty sure it’s a step in the right direction in order to heal myself.
I still cannot find one good thing about cancer. If you do, you’ve not had it or you’re just fooling yourself. It’s been a mind fuck for me. I’m getting there.
9-21-21
I think I’m doing OK and them BAM. Those thoughts of what’s the point come flooding right back in. I’ve tried to be conscious of what’s happened or what’s different on these days. I believe today’s trigger was I received my last actual paycheck from work. It was the last of my vacation/sick time. While I have applied for short term disability I have no idea how long that takes or if I will even be approved. So that check brought out not only that I now have zero income but also reminded me of the job itself.
I haven’t really talked about my job much because it is another source of stress that I’ve shared with few. That truth is I was being bullied and intimidated for the last several months. It certainly didn’t help my health being in that environment for so long. I tried a few times to express this but my concerns and complaints were not taken seriously and I essentially was told I was part of the problem. That is until 2 days prior to me taking medical leave. The truth eventually comes out and it was apparent those last couple days. I even got an apology but by then my focus was completely on my health.
I am definitely concerned that my absence will not have solved anything but instead will have made things worse because it will not have been addressed. I don’t really have an option of not returning as I am in a position where having health insurance is a requirement. Just thinking about that day brings stress and anxiety. It also stirs up those thoughts of what’s the point. Why am I putting myself through all this?
Why? I don’t have family. Very few friends. No one who really knows me well. I think if I wasn’t here maybe a few people might feel sad but within a week or two my memory would be all but forgotten. It’s hard on some days to find reasons to get out of bed. I get so tired. I wonder if I’m just done. How much more can I endure? How much do I want to? It’s just the truth.
9-25-21
Dark or Light
It’s the night before
A major change is about to take place
I’m pretty calm about the event but
Unsure of what will transpire
I know there will be pain to endure
To get healing
My mind accepting of this change
Time will be what tells me
About the journey
So desperate for success
In many unknown ways
The difficulty that’s been encountered along the way
Has been hard
But new and interesting
Trying to find understanding
But is that really it?
Today is hard. So much has changed. When I think back to my diagnosis and then my visit to my surgeon I was so sure of myself and what path I wanted to take. But then more knowledge flooded my mind and I knew I was wrong.
So much time to digest all the scenarios of how life was going to be for me. So I changed my mind and went a new direction. Everything was telling me to have a mastectomy. Screaming it. Was I crazy or irrational for this new choice?
I need to fix me now. When you’re older you don’t think about 5-10 years down the road. The quality of my life needs to change in the present. Other health issues need to be addressed too. This cancer just showed up and added to my list. I knew I wouldn’t do the radiation that was required. I would worry about the cancer returning. I didn’t want to wait those weeks and delay working on my mobility.
So last week I had the mastectomy. My breast is all gone. It’s been hard managing by myself. The discomfort and pain has been much more than I expected. The drains are not easy to manage in the chosen location. Normal daily activities have been a struggle.
Today was hard. I’ll just go to bed and start again tomorrow.
10-5-21
The power of words
Today is a very low energy day for me. Yesterday left me exhausted. I have to admit that the recovery from this surgery has been the hardest and most painful thing I’ve had to deal with in many years. I couldn’t find relief yesterday until I finally broke down and ingested a combo of drugs that allowed me to pass out. It’s hard to admit my mind and my body have different ideas. Some days I wonder if I can improve on today’s reality.
What’s on my mind today is the word cancer. Just writing it, saying it, thinking it evokes so many different thoughts and emotions for me. But what I’d like to address is what that word does to others. It’s been interesting and surprising and hard and disappointing to watch others react when I tell them I have cancer. It’s almost like I have the plague and need to be avoided. With one word I’ve become someone new. It’s hard to understand but it’s what I’ve observed. People don’t know what to say or they tread carefully or give you the think positive, your strong, you’ve got this- all which I addressed in my earlier post on being strong. People say if you need anything just let me know but what I actually need is for you to just treat me the same as you did before I told you I had cancer. I am not cancer. I am still me. Can we just talk about random stuff whether silly or serious. Ask me how I am that’s fine but know I don’t always want to talk about my cancer and if I do I really just want someone to listen. But instead people step back and avoid interactions. I don’t get it.
My journey so far has been very lonely. I accept it and am just doing the best I can. I know the choices I’ve made and how I choose to be a private person. Doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
With so much time on my hands I’ve been doing a lot of internet reading. I’ve been looking for something to share with others so they don’t have to feel so awkward when talking to me or anyone else with cancer. These 2 pages are well written. Just an FYI: They are from the view of a chaplain of Christian faith but lots of good info for all
https://www.hopehasarrived.com/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-cancer/
https://www.hopehasarrived.com/what-to-say-to-someone-with-cancer/
I hope something I write here might help you or someone you know.
Yes I have cancer but I am not cancer. I’m still the fluffy old woman you knew before!
Don’t be a ghost
10-7-21
I still can’t see in the dark
I wish I could see something beautiful. I’ve been struggling the past few days to find the light, existing instead in the darkness of my mind. I don’t know if there was a trigger I only know I’ve been wandering aimlessly trying to make sense of it all. The days when recovery from this surgery is physically painful I often tell myself I deserve to feel every last bit of it. Why am I putting myself through it all?
Things like having surgery appears to others as moving forward. There are times I believe that then the darkness over takes me and I just think it’s self punishment. Why does my mind tell me these wicked things? The answers can vary from minute to minute.
Where is the desire to do. When I look ahead it seems so empty. Devoid of any images and even thoughts of what it looks like. How can I reimagine the future when it seems like a big black hole?
I’ve been told to see a big blank canvas that can become whatever my heart might long for. But I can’t find any paint. The question is do I really want to. It’s just out of my current reality to see anything ahead. More anxiety and stress.
What makes me blind? Again do I want to know? I can’t honestly answer yes. The darkness can be a comfortable place at times. As much as this doesn’t make sense I don’t feel judged in the darkness yet at the same time the feeling of doom can overwhelm. More mind fuck.
Spending so much time with myself in the dark and I think I’m still so lost. Broken but not beautiful. This may be the end.
10-11-21
I found this article today. I could relate to so much of what was being said. I thought I would share. I am not okay. Some days are better than others. Yes I have started some counseling but so far I have not found it to be a benefit. I hope everyone has access to help.
Cancer is hard – physically and emotionally. The diagnosis alone can trigger fear, uncertainty, and stress, all of which can be exacerbated throughout prognosis discussions, treatment decisions, procedures and just managing the normal activities of daily living with this dark shadow lurking in the background.
Anxiety is also part of the mix, even when a patient moves out of treatment and into survivorship. Undergoing scans to monitor for possible recurrence. A health change even years after getting the “all clear.” Annual physicals with their primary care physician. All these situations can trigger the same overwhelming emotions the patient felt throughout their initial battle with cancer.
For some, cancer feels like a life sentence that carries an enormous emotional penalty. Which is why supporting a patient’s mental health needs is an important component of a comprehensive care plan.
Mental Health Challenges
A cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment can bring forward several mental health issues, the most common being anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorder. While patients who have struggled with these and other mental health disorders in the past are more susceptible, the cancer diagnosis and all that comes with it can trigger symptoms in any patient. It can also exacerbate disorders that had previously been controlled.
While most symptoms will fall on the mild end of the spectrum, they can evolve over time into something more severe and long-lasting. For example, though uncommon, some cancer patients find themselves with symptoms much like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), usually resulting from a traumatic experience during treatment such as an adverse or unexpected surgical outcome.
Many patients also struggle with feelings of guilt related to their illness. Guilt could stem from thoughts about not being able to manage chores or tasks as well as before. They may also experience worry that they are a “burden” to someone else. Guilt is not always rational, but if left unaddressed it can cascade into anxiety, depression, and even anger.
Finally, it’s important to recognize that cancer-driven mental health issues can impact the very relationships patients rely on for emotional support. Feelings of guilt, despondence, detachment and even shame can take control of a patient’s internal dialogue and create distance between them and their loved ones. Again, the emotions aren’t always rational. But when someone is sick, or treatment has taken a toll on their appearance and/or stamina, it is easy to fall into an emotional hole that can overwhelm personal relationships.
Early Attention is Key
It is vital that mental health issues be assessed and addressed as early as possible in a patient’s care plan. Symptoms are not always obvious. The patient who is upbeat and positive at the clinic may be falling apart as soon as they are alone. Or the patient who starts treatment determined to beat their cancer can, over time, become hopeless or overwhelmed.
If patients in need are not given the resources to manage the internal dialogues pecking away at their emotional fortitude, it can have a domino effect that impacts treatment outcomes, long-term health and wellness, and the interpersonal relationships they need in the battle for their lives.
To make that happen, the patient’s clinical team can look for signs that they may be struggling. They can also integrate mental health assessments into their standard practice, approaching it in the same manner they do other health issues – straight forward and empathetic and without judgement. It can be as simple as inquiring if the patient is okay or letting them know it is normal and okay to not be okay – and that resources are available to help them manage their mental health in the same way resources are available to help them manage pain or nutritional needs.
The Mind-Body Connection
Helping a patient with their mental health struggles can be as simple as having someone that is not on their medical care team or in their family or circle of friends who will listen to and reassure them that their thoughts and feelings are normal and understandable; someone who can give them the tools to cope with what they’re experiencing. In some cases, a patient may only require a few sessions for them to feel emotionally stronger. In other cases, more intense or longer-term therapy may be necessary, such as when a pre-existing disorder has been triggered by their diagnosis. What is important is getting the patient the support they need before it spirals out of control.
There is a strong connection between the mind and body. What impacts one will almost always impact the other. For cancer patients struggling with mental health issues, helping them get to an emotionally healthy place can change their entire outlook and empower them to withstand the many challenges they will face whatever their outcome might be.
Written by Ann Leach MSW, LCSW
High and Low…the staircase goes up and down
What looked to be a promising week just didn’t end up that way. After 18 months of delays this was the week I was finally going to start some treatments with pain management to begin working on my mobility. That happened at the beginning of the week and yes finally a positive step for my health. Unfortunately at the same time there has been a set back in my healing from surgery.
Monday brought with it the beginning of issues with my incision. It is coming apart…dehiscence is the medical term. Several spots. One area is deep. Started out small and has grown 4x bigger. Had part of it debrided, cleaned, by my PC. Just makes my heart sink thinking about it all. Hoping beyond it all that it doesn’t get infected. No one wants complications but it’s not something I can control.
That’s just it. I will beat myself up wondering what could I have done different? I will blame myself. Did I lift or do too much? Could I have bandaged it better? It’s probably not totally my fault but my mind automatically goes there. I shouldn’t be surprised as I certainly am not a very healthy being right now. My body or my mind. Of course they go together. 23 days post op and my tissues are still not strong. It’s another reminder of how I have failed myself. Not a very good job care taking. Not reaching out for help.
Ugh. A couple good cries this week for sure. Hard to stay away from those thoughts of what’s the point and why bother. I will try to keep my expectations low this week. I am trying hard not to get overloaded.
10-24-21
12-3-21
I miss my brother so much. He died in 2004. 17 years have passed and in my mind it’s just like it was yesterday. His death was so hard. Watching him trying to fight his cancer and treatments that ultimately killed him. Never once did I imagine he wouldn’t make it. It was so shocking. Unimaginable. But here I was being the “strong” one again. Taking care of what was left. Caring for everyone but me.
He was my best friend. My big brother. The only one who reached out to me when I called home after 3 years of silence. That small act was the beginning of a wonderful relationship with my brother. He visited me on his vacations. We had some awesome times…none more fun than the one now depicted as a full leg tattoo. He eventually bought his first house and moved here with his husband. I loaded up my dogs every Sat and headed to his house. We would spend time in the pool and spa to catch up for the week, play with my dogs and then barbecue for dinner before I’d head back home.
I never doubted my brother loved me. We talked about everything. He knew ALL about me and never once judged. He never made me feel bad about mistakes but instead would help me figure out how to be better next time. He called to check in. He watched games/scores not just of his teams but mine too so he could discuss them with me. I knew he cared and always had my best interests at heart. Watching him with others and hearing from them he made everyone feel special because he truly cared. There’s so much more I could say but know he was the kind of guy most everyone wants to be around.
Then just like that he was gone. It hurt so deeply. How do you replace your brother and best friend. You don’t. I’ve tried.
And now when I think to myself what would Jeff do, I can’t hear the answer. I miss you so much. Can you hear my tears?
12-26-21
Some days I’m just done. Hanging on by a sliver. Not sure why I continue. Pain. Loss. Overwhelmed by the feelings of why bother. Just existing without purpose or direction is hard to tolerate. Should we all just continue because that’s what we’re supposed to do? I’m having a hard time with this. My entire being has been wiped away. The emptiness echos in my mind. The past keeps haunting while the future doesn’t exist. And the present…the present is something I’m very unsure of.
Am I willing to do what is necessary to change, to find worth, purpose, and joy. I don’t know. Again those thoughts of what’s the point. It seems obvious that I don’t care, like, love myself much. Will I still feel the same if I change that narrative?
My life has been lived building a wall brick by brick. What started as protection turned into hiding, sealing myself off so tightly that here I am. Afraid to let anyone in. Not sure what my plan was but I can see how I got here. It’s not anything like I had pictured. Alone. If I don’t care no one will.
So am I done? Still hanging out at the ledge.
I wrote this after therapy last week:
Going thru the motions
and emotions
From a lifetime. Full of voices
along the path.
Can they ever be left behind?
To fix the damage in my mind
Healing my heart
So my life is not just
existence.
Pain that is so deep seated
Dying to end.
12-27-21
2021 is about to end. I can’t say I’m sorry to see it go. For me, the best thing about journaling is being able to look back at my journey; a record much like a photograph. This has been one of the hardest years I have ever endured. I remember how my grandpa used to say you don’t have much of anything without your health. This year has certainly explained that to me if there was any confusion in what he meant.
Being diagnosed with breast cancer has had a profound impact on me. It’s been a struggle like no other. Recovering from two surgeries with the second having wound issues. Pain and fatigue. Seven weeks before it was healed enough and I was able to wear a shirt with no bandages. More doctors visits than I care to count. And I am still dealing with other health issues. But I am glad to be able to say that I currently have.no signs of cancer. Not going to even think about going thru this again. I am adjusting to the new me. With only one breast I am just now figuring out how this all feels.
While the physical healing from surgery is finally winding down, what this cancer has done to my mental health is hard to describe. Hearing I had cancer was an event that my mind has not handled very well. Depression and anxiety/panic attacks have hit me pretty hard. Many thoughts of suicide linger. To say it’s been overwhelming is an understatement. Saturated is a nice way to describe it. Mind fuck is more like it. Most don’t get it. So much from the past triggered. My surgeon told me she often sees signs of PTSD in her patients. I’ve started working with a new psychologist who is a good fit for me. I’m not sure what will happen with me going forward. Just trying my best to be safe from myself. Thoughts still on overdrive.
So goodbye 2021. Your lessons have been brutal.
12-30-21
I can’t see the future in the darkness
The past has passed
Just existing in the present is painful. Not sure how much of this pain I can tolerate.
Or want to.
A 3:30 AM question:
If my mind is malfunctioning does that mean I’m living in an altered reality?
A 3:30 AM Poem
The Maze
Years of intricate construction
Each section finely tuned
Successful for so long but
Only when used alone.
Cracks appear
The maze is slowly becoming one
Utter panic
How can I continue to function
When it’s all falling down
12-31-21
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
-
Giving In or Giving Up How do I continue? Hopelessness abounds. Darkness still prevails. I don’t see a way out but instead just an end. To... -
Trying to find my way I’ve been very reflective and still lacking words to share here. That beacon I saw has come back shining, so I’m hop... -
Resourcing and Safety ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ My Happy Place The depression roller coaster sucks especially when riding those low and dark ti...