Some days I’m just done. Hanging on by a sliver. Not sure why I continue. Pain. Loss. Overwhelmed by the feelings of why bother. Just existing without purpose or direction is hard to tolerate. Should we all just continue because that’s what we’re supposed to do? I’m having a hard time with this. My entire being has been wiped away. The emptiness echos in my mind. The past keeps haunting while the future doesn’t exist. And the present…the present is something I’m very unsure of. 

Am I willing to do what is necessary to change, to find worth, purpose, and joy. I don’t know. Again those thoughts of what’s the point. It seems obvious that I don’t care, like, love myself much. Will I still feel the same if I change that narrative?

My life has been lived building a wall brick by brick. What started as protection turned into hiding, sealing myself off so tightly that here I am. Afraid to let anyone in. Not sure what my plan was but I can see how I got here. It’s not anything like I had pictured. Alone. If I don’t care no one will. 

So am I done? Still hanging out at the ledge. 

I wrote this after therapy last week:

Going thru the motions

and emotions

From a lifetime. Full of voices

along the path.

Can they ever be left behind?

To fix the damage in my mind

Healing my heart

So my life is not just

existence.

Pain that is so deep seated

Dying to end. 

12-27-21