Today is a very low energy day for me. Yesterday left me exhausted. I have to admit that the recovery from this surgery has been the hardest and most painful thing I’ve had to deal with in many years. I couldn’t find relief yesterday until I finally broke down and ingested a combo of drugs that allowed me to pass out. It’s hard to admit my mind and my body have different ideas. Some days I wonder if I can improve on today’s reality.
What’s on my mind today is the word cancer. Just writing it, saying it, thinking it evokes so many different thoughts and emotions for me. But what I’d like to address is what that word does to others. It’s been interesting and surprising and hard and disappointing to watch others react when I tell them I have cancer. It’s almost like I have the plague and need to be avoided. With one word I’ve become someone new. It’s hard to understand but it’s what I’ve observed. People don’t know what to say or they tread carefully or give you the think positive, your strong, you’ve got this- all which I addressed in my earlier post on being strong. People say if you need anything just let me know but what I actually need is for you to just treat me the same as you did before I told you I had cancer. I am not cancer. I am still me. Can we just talk about random stuff whether silly or serious. Ask me how I am that’s fine but know I don’t always want to talk about my cancer and if I do I really just want someone to listen. But instead people step back and avoid interactions. I don’t get it.
My journey so far has been very lonely. I accept it and am just doing the best I can. I know the choices I’ve made and how I choose to be a private person. Doesn’t mean it’s not hard.
With so much time on my hands I’ve been doing a lot of internet reading. I’ve been looking for something to share with others so they don’t have to feel so awkward when talking to me or anyone else with cancer. These 2 pages are well written. Just an FYI: They are from the view of a chaplain of Christian faith but lots of good info for all
https://www.hopehasarrived.com/what-not-to-say-to-someone-who-has-cancer/
https://www.hopehasarrived.com/what-to-say-to-someone-with-cancer/
I hope something I write here might help you or someone you know.
Yes I have cancer but I am not cancer. I’m still the fluffy old woman you knew before!
Don’t be a ghost
10-7-21
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